5 ideas for helping someone you suspect is in an abusive relationship

Throughout my 22-year

career in the domestic violence field, I’ve seen almost anything you can imagine as it pertains to abuse. Being out in the community, I hear more people asking, “What do I do if I suspect someone is being abused?” Or, “What do I do if someone comes to me looking for help?” There is a social stigma associated with domestic violence, and sometimes people feel they are helping, but - although they mean well – the advice can hinder the survivor more. Below are five ideas for helping someone you suspect is being abused or who has come to you for help:

Believe them – Often family and friends are not aware that abuse is occurring in someone’s life, which results in survivors feeling alone and isolated. They may be working hard to keep the abuse from those they care about, which can result in them feeling as if they are living two lives. They may be hiding the abuse due to fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment or a variety of other reasons. When they decide to come forward and ask for help, one of the worst things people can do is say, “Oh he wouldn’t do that.”  Not believing a person is in a domestic violence situation can be devastating for that survivor and push him/her even further into isolation and feelings of shame and embarrassment.

Listen –In many cases, domestic violence survivors have no one to talk to or turn to for support. Abusers constantly shame and isolate their victims. Abusers don’t let their partners spend time with friends or family. This alienation reinforces point one and contributes to the survivor’s feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Just listening can be life saving for that person experiencing abuse. The survivor may not be looking for help, just someone to be with; someone who will listen, believe them and not judge them. In some cases, this is the survivor’s way of thinking out-loud. One thing to remember when listening is that even though you may give advice, the decision is ultimately up to the survivor as to the best course of action to take. Multiple factors  go into the decision to leave or not to leave, and ultimately it is up to the survivor to make that decision, but he/she will still need support and a listening ear - whatever the decision. Research shows that it can take a person an average of seven times to leave a relationship before they are able to leave for good. So patience may be required.

Don’t offer ultimatums – Friends want what is best for each other. It is easy to think your relationship means more to a survivor/friend who seeks advice. However, it can be an extremely difficult decision for a survivor to take that step and leave. Do not force the friend into a decision to leave. Abuse is about power and control. Most likely, for a majority of the survivor’s relationship, she/he has been powerless to the control the abuser has over them. If you push a friend into an ultimatum to leave, you are one more person who is trying to take away the survivor’s power and make the decision for him/her.

Be ready with resources – As a supporter of Hope House, you already know we serve survivors and families who suffer from domestic violence. Our hotline is an easy number to remember – 816-461-HOPE (4673). You can direct them to our website – hopehouse.net. There, we have examples of warning signs, our hotline number and a listing of all our resources so they know exactly how we can help. We also offer support to family and friends. If you feel you need support, please call our hotline and we can talk with you about your needs around your family member or friend who is experiencing domestic violence.

Additionally, you can discuss having a safety plan. If the survivor has a friend or relative they can escape to in times of great fear, talk about this with them. Ask if they have an emergency kit with clothes, money or other necessities if she/he has to escape in a hurry. Talk about avoiding rooms with items that could be used as weapons. If there are weapons in the house, know where they are and avoid them if possible. Discuss possible ways to get support at work if the abuser is harassing them at the office. How can the survivor change his/her use of technology? Some ideas include changing passwords to cell phones and email or on-line accounts, changing on-line accounts to one with only the survivor on it, getting a new cell phone or new computer, checking to see if there are monitoring devices on cell phones, on-line accounts, computers and vehicles. These are just a few ideas you can offer. You can check out our Safety Plan Tips for a more comprehensive list of items to consider in safety planning. Each situation is unique, so it is important to look at all factors and it is ok to be creative in creating solutions for safety.

Be patient – Again, do not be discouraged if nothing happens after your conversation. Fear, children, finances and many other factors can constrain the survivor’s ability to leave. You may not be aware of all the factors in the relationship, so don’t jump to any conclusions that the survivor doesn’t “really” want your help or isn’t listening. Help the survivor document, be a friend and listen, help create a safety plan and be ready to help if they decide to leave and need your help.

Happy New Year!

2014 is just around the corner, it is hard to believe another year has passed. 2013 was a year filled with challenges as well as the strength and wisdom to persevere and conquer the challenges. We always reflect on the year passed and what the New Year holds in store for us, the possibilities for us as an agency and for the individuals we serve. It is a great time to set goals and reflect on our accomplishments. We will review our programs and make any necessary changes and look to what else we need to do to address the needs of our clients, always with the goal of ending domestic violence.

We will continue to be a voice for those who are struggling and to make a positive impact in the lives of those we provide services to every day. We couldn’t do what we do without the community support that we receive. We are so grateful to everyone who supports us in carrying out our mission. We have so many volunteers and supporters who help us every day and make our services possible. We are so appreciative of all that they do.

I wish you all a happy and safe New Year and look forward to working with you in 2014 to ending the cycle of violence.

Hope House Celebrates 30 Years of Service

It’s 2013, which means Hope House is celebrating its 30th anniversary!

It’s amazing how far we have come in the last 30 years. We have grown over the years to being the largest provider of domestic violence services in the state of Missouri. We have 122 beds between both of our locations and serve over 10,000 people every year through all of our programming.

We started out in a small house on Truman Road and now have two campuses in Eastern Jackson County. We are humbled as we look at where we’ve been, and excited to think about where we’re going.

We will continue to provide the best quality programming possible for the people we work with everyday. They are the reason we are here and why we work so hard. Our purpose is to help give them the opportunity to have a better life and a safe environment in which to live.

Please help us celebrate our anniversary this year. We will have activities throughout the year to commemorate the milestone we have achieved.  We have come a long way but still have a lot of work to do. Will you join us?

What Is Abuse?

I am very aware of how differently that question can be answered depending on who is answering and their frame of reference. I want to spend time today talking about physical abuse. This seems to be what most people think about when they think about domestic violence although it is only one form of abuse that domestic violence victims suffer.

The definition of physical abuse in Wikipedia is: abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.

Most often when we think of physical abuse we think of some very obvious ways such as hitting, punching, slapping, pushing, and choking. However there are other less thought of forms of physical abuse such as biting, denying needed medical care, depriving a person of sleep, or forcing someone to use drugs or alcohol against their will as well as attempts to drown, exposure to heat and cold, and poison. Unfortunately, the ways that abusers physically abuse their partners makes a long list. The clients that we serve have experienced all of these types of abuse, and more.

What we know from our experience in this work is that the abuse often doesn’t start as physical; it often starts as emotional abuse and then over time progresses into the physical realm. Research also shows that as the relationship continues, the abuse will most likely become progressively worse and intensify in severity. What may start out as a push or slap will most likely progress to shoving, punching and worse.

Much of our work with clients focuses on education and safety planning. We want to put them in the best position to make the necessary decisions about their lives and their future. Understanding the abuse is the first step in moving toward a life free of abuse.

Awareness Week for Crime Victims and Volunteers

This week we recognize and appreciate two very important groups of people: crime victims and volunteers. During this week we have an opportunity to pause and reflect on those in our country who have been victimized by crime and to honor those who offer service to them.

It seems fitting to me that we should honor these groups during the same week as they seem to go hand in hand, especially at Hope House. We provide vital services to victims of crime, and we could not begin to do what we do without the assistance of volunteers in every aspect of our agency.

The theme for this year's Crime Victims Awareness Week also seems appropriate for us at Hope House: “Reshaping the Future and Honoring the Past”. We are settling into our new Therapy Building, and enjoying the newly renovated Shelter, and Court and Legal Services Building. We are also celebrating the new Community Partnership Building. There we are creating new relationships with our community volunteers and offering them a place to give of their talents and services.

As we strive to do every day, we will continue to honor and serve the individuals who have been victimized as they work to put their lives back together. We will continue to be thankful for the wonderful and committed volunteers who help us provide life saving services every day. We couldn’t, nor would we want to, do it without them.

Both groups of individuals enlighten us and enrich us through their experiences and their strengths. We honor them and continue our commitment to break the cycle of domestic violence.

Early Childhood Program

Hope House is committed to providing services to both children and their mothers. Often the services we offer to children also benefit mom. Our Early Childhood Program is an example of such a service.

The Early Childhood program offers licensed daycare for those children who reside in our shelter. It offers mom an opportunity to go to work or school without having to worry about the care her children are receiving, and it’s safe and fun for the kids.

A main goal of ours is for the kids to have the opportunity to be kids; to play and not have the worries that have plagued their family prior to coming into shelter. Our daycare offers this opportunity.

The rooms all meet licensing requirements and are stocked with age-appropriate toys that help the kids in their development. Kids spend time learning their colors, their ABCs and their numbers, and have an opportunity to work on their gross and fine motor skills.

It is wonderful to tour the daycare and hear the kids laughing and sharing with each other, or to go at naptime and see all of them nestled on their cots with their favorite toy or blanket to keep them company.

We are able to offer our staff a limited number of slots for childcare; it’s a benefit for staff, as well as another source of earned income for Hope House. An added benefit is that the shelter children are given the opportunity to play with other children who have not been traumatized. It has been an unexpected blessing for us as we are able to support our staff and clients at the same time.

To know that we are playing a part in helping kids recover from trauma and helping them reclaim their childhood is such an important part of our work. We are very proud of our program and the quality of services that we offer the children.

Does a Victim Ever Feel Safe?

I am often asked if a victim of domestic violence ever feels safe. From my perspective the answer isn’t a simple one - just like everything else with domestic violence. The hard truth is that many survivors of domestic violence do not ever fully feel safe. They take steps to protect themselves and to free themselves from their abuser, but are constantly looking over their shoulders and always on alert.

If children are involved there can be a level of fear the entire time the parents have to have interaction regarding the children. Children can be used as a means of control and if custody orders require visits then interaction can be frequent and the level of fear more constant.

Women have fled their home states and moved across the country only to be found and the torment to start again. The feeling of safety ebbs away even more each time a phone number has to be changed or relocation is necessary. Even work can be a place of fear if the abuser knows the location and waits in the parking lot for his current or former partner to walk to her car at lunch or after work.

Women have told me that they only felt safe while their abuser was in prison or after their abuser passed away. Only then did the feeling of safety truly come to them.

Yes, some survivors of domestic violence are able to feel safe and go about their lives without the feeling of constant fear. I am happy for them and thankful for whatever part Hope House or other services might have played in helping that become a reality.

The sad fact is that the level of fear can depend on the abuser and his willingness to stop the abuse. Is he willing to stop tormenting her and let her live her life in peace? The responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim. His actions, and the level at which he is held accountable for those actions, make all the difference.

Donations and Urgent Needs

Can you imagine the amount of supplies it takes to meet the needs of 104 women and children every day? Well, I can tell you it takes a lot!

We do not charge our clients for our services or for the supplies they receive. It is important that they use their resources for things like school, rent, and gas to get work, etc. They do not need to be worrying about buying things like deodorant, toothpaste and shampoo.

Thankfully, neither do we. We do not have to budget for toilet paper, paper towels, diapers and other household needs. If we did, we know we would have to cut some of our services to accommodate the increase in the expenses.

Our supply of household items comes to us in a variety of ways. Individuals and groups will hold drives to bring in needed items; others have hosted parties with admission being a package of toilet paper or bottle of shampoo. Others learn of our needs through our Urgent Needs List, an email list of people who have asked to be alerted when we have an urgent need. We send out the need and instantly people respond. If you'd like to be added to our Urgent Needs List, please email us at blog@hopehouse.net.

We have several easy ways for you to help us get the supplies we need:

1) Go to our wishlist on http://www.amazon.com/ and have the items shipped to us. Seach for Hope House under Wish List, then look for our familiar logo. 

2) Go to our website http://www.hopehouse.net/ and click on the Donate Now button. We will purchase the items ourselves with your donation.

3) Send/bring us gift cards for WalMart, Target or any place that sells the items we need.

Here are some items that are currently urgent needs. This list is also found on our website and is updated as needs change.

Paper Towels
Toilet paper
Adult cold medicine (all kinds)
Pillows
Towels

Wash cloths

Combs/brushes

Size 4 diapers

Ethnic hair care products

We are extremely grateful to the members of our communities who give so generously to help us meet these needs. Without all of you, we would have to turn our resources to these daily needs, rather than focusing on the services which help people deal with the pressing issues in their lives.

Point In Time Survey

The National Network Against Domestic Violence (NNEDV) has released the results from their 5th annual Point In Time Study. This study is done once a year, to calculate the number of people across the country who are receiving domestic violence services on a given day (September 15, 2010).

This study gives us the opportunity to talk about the need in our country, and to highlight the services that are offered. It also allows us to see the unmet need and what work still needs to be done. This gives us information to discuss with our elected officials in order to address the needs of a very vulnerable population.

The national numbers are astounding to comprehend:

• 70,648 victims across the country received safe shelter.
• 33,129 received non-residential services.
• 23,522 hotline calls were answered
• 9,541 requests for services were unmet.

In Missouri on that day:

• 2,114 victims found safety in emergency shelters or transitional housing.
• 740 adults and children received non-residential services including groups and individual counseling.
• 286 people across the state were turned away due to lack of capacity.

Reports from the other programs were consistent with what we are seeing at Hope House: the economy has definitely impacted the number of people seeking services and resources in the community are down. The need continues to be overwhelming across our country.

The NNEDV website (www.nnedv.org ) reports: Across the nation on September 15, 2010, three women were murdered by their intimate partners. 36 babies were born to mothers living in domestic violence shelters. 391 survivors started new jobs. Three men committed suicide – one after murdering his wife, another after a failed attempt to kill his girlfriend, and the third after holding his partner hostage and a standoff with the police.

So we continue to be challenged by the ever increasing need, and we will continue to rise above the challenge and meet the needs of those we serve.

Legislative Breakfast

L-R Missouri Representatives Brent Lasater,
Jeff Grisamore, Noel Torpey, Ira Anders

Hope House hosted a breakfast for our recently installed legislators on January 28th. We had the opportunity to meet our new representatives and re-engage with those who have been in office. 

I love having their undivided attention to discuss what is happening at Hope House. It's a chance for us to say thank you for all that they do for their communities as well as to highlight the work we do, and the obstacles and challenges facing our clients.

We are able to advocate on our client’s behalf and to ensure that their needs are heard. We are extremely fortunate in Eastern Jackson County to have such wonderful representation and concern from our legislators. This is a difficult time for legislators facing another year of budget challenges and having to balance the needs of so many. I appreciate their willingness to come to the table and to hear our concerns.

I want to thank, Representatives Anders, Grisamore, Lasater, McManus, and Torpey; and Senator Kraus for taking time out of their busy schedules to attend our breakfast and tour our facility. I look forward to meeting with them throughout the year as we advocate for those who have been impacted by domestic violence.

Metropolitan Family Violence Coalition

One of the great things about being a domestic violence service provider in the Kansas City metro area is being a part of the Metropolitan Family Violence Coalition (MFVC). MFVC is composed of the six domestic violence agencies in the metro area, both in Missouri and Kansas.

All six of the agencies provide domestic violence services, emergency shelter, advocacy, and court advocacy, and all participate in the operation of the shared metro hotline (816-HOTLINE). The hotline is a critical tool for those who are in need to reach a safe and understanding person to talk to about their situation whether they are in immediate crisis or just need someone to listen.

The hotline is shared in order to provide one phone number for people in need to call, so victims do not have to remember six phone numbers in the time of crisis.

In addition to the hotline, the MFVC also offers the BridgeSPAN program which is a comprehensive hospital-based advocacy program. There are over 36 hospitals in the metro area partnering with the DV agencies to offer advocacy and crisis intervention to those patients identified in the hospital as needing services.

The agencies that comprise the MFVC are committed to meeting the needs of those impacted by domestic violence and working in collaboration to best meet those needs. Our goal is to work together, not in competition with each other. Our challenges are often the same so we can share what has worked and what hasn’t, support each other in our struggles and celebrate with each other in our successes.

We strive to not duplicate services but to offer a comprehensive range of services so that no matter where a person is in the metro, one of the agencies will be able to help meet the need.

I feel so fortunate that there are six very committed and dedicated agencies providing a seamless safety net of services to victims in this area. I have been to other areas and it doesn’t appear there is such a comprehensive collaboration working for victims.

It is our hope that someday we can celebrate the end of violence in our community. Until then, we will continue our commitment to provide quality and comprehensive services to those impacted by domestic violence and we will do it together as a group.

Safe Family Coalition

Domestic violence and child abuse often occur together. Before 2001 there were many agencies that addressed each of these problems as separate issues. At times, these agencies seemed to work against each other, potentially putting women and children in greater danger of harm.

To address this problem, the Jackson County Safe Family Coalition (SFC) was formed. Their mission is to provide a coordinated community response to child abuse and domestic violence that will provide safety, enhance well-being, and provide stability for children and families.

SFC is made up of the many agencies that are involved when domestic violence and child abuse occur together:

• child protection workers
• adult and family courts
• county and city prosecutors
• judges
• domestic violence shelters
• law enforcement
• probation and parole
• social workers
• mental health services providers

SFC has challenged all of the participating agencies to look at our systems and change operations with the SFC mission as a guide. The best way to keep children safe is to keep the non-offending parent safe. This is accomplished by:

• Holding the perpetrator accountable for their actions.
• Providing meaningful help, support, and services for families who are experiencing child abuse and domestic violence.
• Providing legal interventions and services that stop violence and abuse.

SFC has committed to educate agencies and their staffs about resources that are available when they recognize cases of domestic violence with child abuse. SFC also seeks to engage the community by creating awareness about the need to provide a comprehensive array of services that will respond to the unique strengths and concerns of families.

Hope House has been a proud partner of this coalition and will continue coming to the table to keep children and the non-offending parent safe. We are very grateful that so many partners have joined us to make a difference in our communities.

For more information about the Safe Family Coalition, please visit their website http://www.jcsafefamily.org/.