It's No Laughing Matter: Part III

One of this year’s “funny” Halloween costumes was Ray and Janay Rice. Sadly, there are also images of children in Rice jerseys dragging toy dolls with painted black eyes. Janay Rice posted a response stating, “It’s sad that my suffering amuses others.”

Too often domestic violence becomes the butt of jokes to amuse others. Domestic violence happens every day. It happens here. And, it’s no laughing matter!

This month, Hope House is sharing advocate stories leading up to #GivingTuesday on December 2nd to show DV is real (click here to see Part I and Part II). This week’s story comes from Tanya:

"The client was upset that it had gotten to a point where her abuser physically hurt her. She had already taken so much verbal abuse and manipulation. But, one day, it escalated. She wanted to go out with some friends, but he wouldn’t have it. They got into an argument. He threw out the typical manipulative terms. This time, she stood up to him. But, then he shoved her. When she fell down, he proceeded to lean over her and threaten her even more, telling her she was lucky he didn’t hit her harder.”
Most domestic violence begins with verbal abuse and/or manipulation. Abuse is abuse. If it’s a verbal put-down, a shove, or smack - It’s abuse. Next week on #GivingTuesday, Hope House will spend $3,660 for 122 people to stay in our shelter. Please stand with Hope House on December 2 to show domestic violence is real and #ItsNoLaughingMatter. Donate and share this message with others.

It's No Laughing Matter: Part I

What’s sad is the fact that Hope House found this online as part of a satirical social media page.

From now to #GivingTuesday, December 2, Hope House would like to present the real side of domestic violence. Too many jokes are made these days of domestic violence. But, our advocates see the pain and hardship of it every day.

Take Stefanie for instance. She is an advocate who visited the hospital several times as part of Hope House’s BridgeSPAN program. View her story below:

“It was the middle of the night. The pager went off, so I responded to one of our hospitals. When I got there, the female victim was there on the hospital bed sitting upright. I greeted her and the police officer with a smile. Shortly after introducing myself and hearing her story, the doctor came in. He proceeded to take out a staple-gun to close the gash in her head where her husband had hit her with something similar to a baton. I’ve never seen something like that before and never want to again.”

As part of Hope House’s #GivingTuesday campaign, we are asking you to stand up and show that you know domestic violence is real. Hope House will spend $3,660 to pay for 122 bed stays in our shelter on #GivingTuesday. Please help us December 2 (Can't wait until then? Give now by clicking here)!  

50 Obstacles to Leaving

All this week, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has been posting “50 Obstacles to Leaving” in bites of 10 a day. I thought it would be helpful to combine all 50 and repost them here as a reminder of what those living with domestic violence are dealing with and why you should never blame the victim.

1. Advocate: The victim doesn’t have an enthusiastic supporter on their side so may feel discouraged or hopeless.
2. Batterer: The batterer is wealthy, famous, powerful in the community, etc., and can afford to hire private counselor and pressure decision-makers.
3. Believes Threats: The victim believes the batterer’s threats to kill them and the children if they attempt to leave.
4. Children’s Best Interest: The victim believes it is in the children’s best interest to have both parents in the home, especially if the abuser doesn’t physically abuse the children.
5. Children’s Pressure: The children put pressure (independently or by the abuser’s influence) on the abused parent to stay with their partner.
6. Culture and Race: Because of differences in race or culture, the victim worries about being treated unequally by the justice system if they come forward, or believes stereotypes about acceptable actions in their own culture.
7. Denial: The victim is in denial about the danger, instead believing that if they could be better partners, the abuse would stop.
8. Disabled: Victims who are disabled or physically challenged face obstacles in gaining access to court and social services, and may be isolated from basic info about resources.
9. Elderly: Elderly victims may hold traditional beliefs about marriage and believe they must stay, or are dependent on the batterer for care even in the face of physical abuse.
10. Excuses: The victim believes the abuser’s excuses to justify the violence, blaming job stress or substance abuse for example.
11. Family Pressure: Family members exert pressure if they believe there’s no excuse for leaving a marriage or if they’re in denial about the abuse.
12. Fear of Retaliation: The batterer has shown willingness to carry out threats and the victim fears harm to themselves or the children if they leave.
13. Fear of Losing Child Custody: The batterer has used the threat of obtaining custody to exact agreements to their liking.
14. Financial Abuse: Financial abuse can take many different forms depending on the couple’s socio-economic status—ex. If victims have been forced to sign false tax returns or take part in other unlawful financial transactions.
15. Financial Despair: The victim realizes that they cannot provide for themselves or their children without the batterer’s assistance.
16. Gratitude: The victim feels gratitude toward the batterer because the batterer has helped support and raise their children from a previous relationship, or take care of them if they have health, medical or other problems.
17. Guilt: Batterers have convinced victims that the violence is happening because it’s their fault.
18. Homelessness: Homeless abuse victims face increased danger, as they must find ways of meeting basic survival needs of shelter, food, and clothing while attempting to elude their batterers.
19. Hope for the Violence to Cease: This hope is typically fueled by the batterer’s promises of change, pleas from the children, or family’s advice to save the relationship.
20. Isolation: The victim has been cut off from family, friends and colleagues and lacks a support system or people to stay with.
21. Keeping the Family Together: Victims believe it is in their children’s best interest to have their father or a male role model in the family.
22. Illiterate Victims: Illiterate victims may be forced to rely on the literate batterer for everyday survival.
23. Incarcerated or Newly Released Abuse Victims: Such victims often don’t have support systems to assist them with re-entry to the community. Parole officers may require that they return home if that appears to be a stable environment.
24. Law Enforcement Officer: If the perpetrator is a law enforcement officer, the victim may fear that other officers will refuse to assist or believe them if they come forward.
25. Lesbian and Gay Victims: Victims may feel silenced if disclosing their sexual orientation (to qualify for a protective order) could result in losing their job, family, and home.
26. Low Self-Esteem: Victims may believe they deserve no better than the abuse they receive.
27. Love: Since many batterers are initially charming, victims fall in love and may have difficulty altering their feelings with the first sign of a problem.
28. Mediation: Mediation can put the victim in the dangerous position of incurring the batterer’s wrath for disclosing the extent of the violence.
29. Medical Problems: The victim must stay with the batterer to obtain medical services, especially if they share insurance.
30. Mentally Ill Victims: Victims face negative societal stereotypes in addition to the batterer’s taunts that the victim is crazy and nobody will believe anything that they say.
31. Mentally or Developmentally Challenged Victims: These victims are particularly vulnerable to the batterer’s manipulation and are likely to be dependent on the batterer for basic survival.
32. Military: If the victim or the perpetrator is in the military, an effective intervention is largely dependent on the commander’s response. Many commanders believe that it is more important to salvage the soldier’s military career than to ensure the victim’s safety.
33. No Place to Go: Victims can’t find affordable housing or there is no shelter space.
34. No Job Skills: Victims without job skills usually have no choice but to work for employers paying minimum wage, with few, if any, medical and other benefits.
35. No Knowledge of Options: Victims without knowledge of the options and resources logically assume that none exist.
36. Past Criminal Record: Victims with a past criminal record are often still on probation or parole, making them vulnerable to the batterer’s threats to comply with all of their demands or be sent back to prison.
37. Previously Abused Victims: Sometimes previously abused victims believe the batterer’s accusation, “See, this is what you drive your partners to do to you!”
38. Prior Negative Court Experiences: Victims don’t believe that they will be given the respect and safety considerations that they need in court.
39. Promises of Change: The batterer’s promises of change may be easy to believe because they sound sincere. Victims are socialized to be forgiving.
40. Religious Beliefs: Beliefs may lead victims to think they have to tolerate the abuse to show their adherence to the faith.
41. Rural Victims: Victims may be isolated and simply unable to access services due to lack of transportation, or the needed programs are distant and unable to provide outreach.
42. Safer to Stay: Assessing that it is safer to stay may be accurate when the victim can keep an eye on the batterer, sensing when the batterer is about to become violent and, to the extent possible, taking action to protect themselves and their children.
43. Students: Students in high school or college may fear that untrained administrators will deny their requests for help. If the perpetrator is also a student, the victim often does not want them to be expelled from school.
44. Shame and Embarrassment: The victim doesn’t want to disclose the abuse or may deny that any problem exists.
45. Stockholm Syndrome: The victim may experience this syndrome and bond with the abuser.
46. Substance Abuse or Alcohol: Either the victim or offender’s substance abuse may inhibit seeking help, often for fear that the children will be removed.
47. Teens: Teens are at greater risk for abuse in their relationships than any other age group. Peer pressure, immaturity, no knowledge of resources, and low self-esteem all factor into the decision to stay.
48. Transportation: A lack of transportation condemns victims to a choice between welfare and returning to their abusers.
49. Unaware that Abuse is a Criminal Offense: This can occur often if family, friends and community professionals minimize the crimes.
50. Undocumented Victims: Victims facing complex immigration problems if they leave are often forced to stay with the batterers who may control their INS status.

---

If you find yourself in a violent relationship, please call the Hope House hotline at 816.461.HOPE (4673) for help (a local call for the Kansas City metro area). If feel the need to do more research before making that call, we recommend the following websites for more in-depth information about recognizing domestic violence, creating a safety plan, protecting your identity and getting help: 
Hope House
Missouri Coalition AgainstDomestic & Sexual Violence
National Network to End Domestic Violence
NationalCoalition Against Domestic Violence

These 50 Obstacles were adapted from Sarah M. Buel’s “FiftyObstacles to Leaving, a.k.a., Why Abuse VictimsStay”—50 different reasons that she has encountered throughout her 22 years of work in the domestic violence field and were taken from a week's worth of posts from The NationalDomestic Violence Hotline.

Hope House Staff

An advocate takes a call on the hotline.
 

I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge all of the staff who works at Hope House. When I first meet people and they learn I work at Hope House I often hear, “Oh, isn’t that hard work?” and “How do you do it?"

My response to this question is the staff I work with are the ones who are doing the hard work. Hope House would not be what it is today without the dedication of the individuals who work here.

This work is not easy, that is very true. Direct service staff work long and crazy hours and are confronted with trauma every day. They hear stories from survivors every day that most people would probably never hear in their lifetime.

When you work at Hope House you never know what the day is going to bring or what crisis is around the corner, but the staff take it all in stride. They are gracious and caring and work to ensure that client needs are met. Even those who do not do direct service make a tremendous impact on the lives of the clients. They may not know it, but they do.

I am grateful to all of the staff who is committed to helping our clients and who make Hope House a great place to work. We are able to laugh and have fun, as well as focus on the seriousness of our client’s needs. I consider myself fortunate to have such a wonderful team to work with.

A Day In the Life: Women's Advocate

Our guest blogger today is Lori, a Hope House Women's Advocate.

As a Women’s Advocate here at Hope House, I have many different roles.  No day—or hour for that matter—is ever the same. 

Today when I came into work, I spent the first few hours providing general support to the women and children who reside in shelter: 

• helped a client her medications
• helped a client take her child’s temperature
• put new sheets on the beds for an incoming family
• assisted a group of clients in working out a laundry schedule

Advocate answers the hotline.
Photo by nota @ sxc.hu

In the midst of all of that, I answered the 24-hour hotline, which is where most women first access Hope House services.  The woman on the hotline told me that her husband is verbally and physically abusive towards her. Her husband has been drinking tonight and she knows that she and her children are not safe staying at home. We make arrangements to bring them in to shelter.

When this woman and her children arrived in shelter, I made sure they had something to eat, and that they had no immediate medical needs. Then, I completed an intake process with her where I gathered general information about her situation and needs.

Tomorrow, I will meet with her again to provide her with information about power and control, red flags, the cycle of domestic violence, and safety planning.

I spend the next couple of hours of my shift meeting individually with the women who are assigned to my caseload.  During these individual meetings, I assist the women in recognizing their personal strengths and in setting goals. I provide a variety of resources and information to empower the women to make progress towards their personal goals.

No two days are ever the same in shelter, so I have learned to be very flexible. Although working as a Women’s Advocate can at times be a busy job, being able to provide support and assistance to the women in shelter is my passion. It’s most definitely a rewarding job!

Lethality Assessment Program

In May we were able to work with the Safe Family Coalition to deliver cookies to all of the police officers that have been a part of the Lethality Assessment Project (LAP) as a way to say thank you for their commitment to those who are impacted by domestic violence.

The LAP was started as a pilot project with the cities of Lee’s Summit, Grandview, Raytown and Kansas City police departments. The police partner with the local domestic violence agency in carrying out the program, which is based on research on lethality for battered women.

The program is simple: when police respond to a domestic violence scene, they ask the victim a series of research-based questions. The way the victim answers these questions can determine the level of lethality for that victim. Based on the answers, the police officers will talk to the victims about safety and the concern that they have for the victim.

The officers then call our hotline and speak to an advocate with the goal of getting the victim to speak to the advocate. They will safety plan, discuss resources - such as shelter - and to make a follow up appointment to further discuss the situation.

The program has worked extremely well. The pilot project ended in October of 2009, but all participating departments have continued with the program. We have also added the Blue Springs police department to the list of participating departments.

We know that only 3% of domestic violence homicide victims had ever availed themselves to services prior to their deaths. We, as DV programs, have worked to reach this group of victims but have not had much success. Through this program, we are able to reach this very high risk group of people.

We are grateful for the participation of all of the police departments, the administration and the officers that complete the surveys. With the support of the officers on the street, we are working to save lives.

Legislative Breakfast

L-R Missouri Representatives Brent Lasater,
Jeff Grisamore, Noel Torpey, Ira Anders

Hope House hosted a breakfast for our recently installed legislators on January 28th. We had the opportunity to meet our new representatives and re-engage with those who have been in office. 

I love having their undivided attention to discuss what is happening at Hope House. It's a chance for us to say thank you for all that they do for their communities as well as to highlight the work we do, and the obstacles and challenges facing our clients.

We are able to advocate on our client’s behalf and to ensure that their needs are heard. We are extremely fortunate in Eastern Jackson County to have such wonderful representation and concern from our legislators. This is a difficult time for legislators facing another year of budget challenges and having to balance the needs of so many. I appreciate their willingness to come to the table and to hear our concerns.

I want to thank, Representatives Anders, Grisamore, Lasater, McManus, and Torpey; and Senator Kraus for taking time out of their busy schedules to attend our breakfast and tour our facility. I look forward to meeting with them throughout the year as we advocate for those who have been impacted by domestic violence.