I am often asked if a victim of domestic violence ever feels safe. From my perspective the answer isn’t a simple one - just like everything else with domestic violence. The hard truth is that many survivors of domestic violence do not ever fully feel safe. They take steps to protect themselves and to free themselves from their abuser, but are constantly looking over their shoulders and always on alert.
If children are involved there can be a level of fear the entire time the parents have to have interaction regarding the children. Children can be used as a means of control and if custody orders require visits then interaction can be frequent and the level of fear more constant.
Women have fled their home states and moved across the country only to be found and the torment to start again. The feeling of safety ebbs away even more each time a phone number has to be changed or relocation is necessary. Even work can be a place of fear if the abuser knows the location and waits in the parking lot for his current or former partner to walk to her car at lunch or after work.
Women have told me that they only felt safe while their abuser was in prison or after their abuser passed away. Only then did the feeling of safety truly come to them.
Yes, some survivors of domestic violence are able to feel safe and go about their lives without the feeling of constant fear. I am happy for them and thankful for whatever part Hope House or other services might have played in helping that become a reality.
The sad fact is that the level of fear can depend on the abuser and his willingness to stop the abuse. Is he willing to stop tormenting her and let her live her life in peace? The responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim. His actions, and the level at which he is held accountable for those actions, make all the difference.
January, 2011 marks the 10 year anniversary of the Hope House Civil Legal Assistance Program. In January, 2001, Hope House hired a full-time paralegal and began contracting with a full-time attorney, Mary Weir, to represent victims of domestic violence in civil legal matters. Over the last ten years the legal program has represented thousands of women in obtaining orders of protection, custody of their children, child support, divorces, name changes, and in other civil legal matters. Throughout this ten year period, the program has been primarily funded from a grant through the Office on Violence Against Women (OVW). However, there were actually two years when the OVW funding didn’t come through and Hope House, recognizing the immense need for direct legal services, managed to continue the program on its own. While Ms. Weir has continued on as the contract attorney over the ten year period, there were also times when the funding permitted Hope House to expand the program to two full-time attorneys and extra support staff. Hope House is happy to announce that we are in the process of once again adding a second attorney and our paralegal of eight years, Shannon Pollard, continues in her full-time position. In addition to the direct legal representation the legal program provides, the contract attorney also successfully argued to the Missouri Supreme Court in 2004 for the protection of the identity and records of all persons served by domestic violence agencies in Missouri. Frequently, the legal program receives comments or letters from women expressing their gratitude for helping them obtain safety, security and empowerment in the face of a daunting legal system. We know that this program has not only changed women and children's lives, it has saved them.
In domestic violence situations, visitation and exchange of children is a very dangerous time. Knowing that the custodial parent is obligated to honor the court order allowing visitation, the abuser often uses the opportunity to continue to stalk, abuse and to terrorize the victim/custodial parent.
Knowing this, Hope House started the Guardian Program in November of 2002. Our program is designed so that visits and exchanges are safe for everyone. The custodial and the non-custodial parents arrive separately, park in separate parking lots, and leave at different times so that there can be no opportunity for abuse or stalking to occur.
The program consists of a Program Coordinator, therapists, and an off-duty police officer who is there to ensure everyone’s safety.
The program has three components:
1) The exchange of children when there is no court order for supervised visits. This most often occurs Wednesday evenings, and/or Friday evenings for weekend visits with the kids returning on Sunday. In exchanges the children are taken from the custodial parent to the non-custodial parent by the staff person; the parents never interact.
2) When the court has ordered the visits to be supervised, the program is able to offer two levels of supervised visits.
a. The first is less intensive and can be offered in a group setting with other families.
b. In more severe situations, a judge may order that the non-custodial parent can’t be around any other children. In those situations, the visit would be limited to just the one family.
The Guardian Program has offered safety, support and hope to hundreds of children as they visit with their non-custodial parent. It gives them the opportunity to begin the healing process, and if they desire, to rebuild a relationship with the offending parent; the choice is theirs.
