5 ideas for helping someone you suspect is in an abusive relationship

Throughout my 22-year

career in the domestic violence field, I’ve seen almost anything you can imagine as it pertains to abuse. Being out in the community, I hear more people asking, “What do I do if I suspect someone is being abused?” Or, “What do I do if someone comes to me looking for help?” There is a social stigma associated with domestic violence, and sometimes people feel they are helping, but - although they mean well – the advice can hinder the survivor more. Below are five ideas for helping someone you suspect is being abused or who has come to you for help:

Believe them – Often family and friends are not aware that abuse is occurring in someone’s life, which results in survivors feeling alone and isolated. They may be working hard to keep the abuse from those they care about, which can result in them feeling as if they are living two lives. They may be hiding the abuse due to fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment or a variety of other reasons. When they decide to come forward and ask for help, one of the worst things people can do is say, “Oh he wouldn’t do that.”  Not believing a person is in a domestic violence situation can be devastating for that survivor and push him/her even further into isolation and feelings of shame and embarrassment.

Listen –In many cases, domestic violence survivors have no one to talk to or turn to for support. Abusers constantly shame and isolate their victims. Abusers don’t let their partners spend time with friends or family. This alienation reinforces point one and contributes to the survivor’s feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Just listening can be life saving for that person experiencing abuse. The survivor may not be looking for help, just someone to be with; someone who will listen, believe them and not judge them. In some cases, this is the survivor’s way of thinking out-loud. One thing to remember when listening is that even though you may give advice, the decision is ultimately up to the survivor as to the best course of action to take. Multiple factors  go into the decision to leave or not to leave, and ultimately it is up to the survivor to make that decision, but he/she will still need support and a listening ear - whatever the decision. Research shows that it can take a person an average of seven times to leave a relationship before they are able to leave for good. So patience may be required.

Don’t offer ultimatums – Friends want what is best for each other. It is easy to think your relationship means more to a survivor/friend who seeks advice. However, it can be an extremely difficult decision for a survivor to take that step and leave. Do not force the friend into a decision to leave. Abuse is about power and control. Most likely, for a majority of the survivor’s relationship, she/he has been powerless to the control the abuser has over them. If you push a friend into an ultimatum to leave, you are one more person who is trying to take away the survivor’s power and make the decision for him/her.

Be ready with resources – As a supporter of Hope House, you already know we serve survivors and families who suffer from domestic violence. Our hotline is an easy number to remember – 816-461-HOPE (4673). You can direct them to our website – hopehouse.net. There, we have examples of warning signs, our hotline number and a listing of all our resources so they know exactly how we can help. We also offer support to family and friends. If you feel you need support, please call our hotline and we can talk with you about your needs around your family member or friend who is experiencing domestic violence.

Additionally, you can discuss having a safety plan. If the survivor has a friend or relative they can escape to in times of great fear, talk about this with them. Ask if they have an emergency kit with clothes, money or other necessities if she/he has to escape in a hurry. Talk about avoiding rooms with items that could be used as weapons. If there are weapons in the house, know where they are and avoid them if possible. Discuss possible ways to get support at work if the abuser is harassing them at the office. How can the survivor change his/her use of technology? Some ideas include changing passwords to cell phones and email or on-line accounts, changing on-line accounts to one with only the survivor on it, getting a new cell phone or new computer, checking to see if there are monitoring devices on cell phones, on-line accounts, computers and vehicles. These are just a few ideas you can offer. You can check out our Safety Plan Tips for a more comprehensive list of items to consider in safety planning. Each situation is unique, so it is important to look at all factors and it is ok to be creative in creating solutions for safety.

Be patient – Again, do not be discouraged if nothing happens after your conversation. Fear, children, finances and many other factors can constrain the survivor’s ability to leave. You may not be aware of all the factors in the relationship, so don’t jump to any conclusions that the survivor doesn’t “really” want your help or isn’t listening. Help the survivor document, be a friend and listen, help create a safety plan and be ready to help if they decide to leave and need your help.

Do You Know a DV Victim?

Are your sister and niece
victims?

Can you tell by looking at someone that they are or have been a victim of domestic violence? Absolutely not. Just as you can’t look at someone and know where they are from, or what they do for a living.

Survivors of domestic violence often survive alone and in the privacy of their own homes. It can be so difficult to share their pain and the difficult reality of their family life with others.

Those who have been victimized often feel a sense of shame and embarrassment. To me, the last person who should feel embarrassed is the victim. The one perpetrating the abuse is the one who should be riddled with guilt and shame, but too often that is not the case.

Is your co-worker being
abused?

So, how do we know who is being victimized? It’s not that we want to know out of some perverse sense of wanting all the gory details, but from the place of how can I help? What can I do to make their situation better? How do I intervene? What can I say to them? 

These are all questions I hope that everyone is asking themselves about their loved ones and friends. I encourage you to:

1. Visit our website and learn more about the services Hope House offers so you can share this information. 
2. Visit loveisnotabuse.com, sponsored by the Liz Claiborne Company. It has all kinds of educational information including warning signs to look for.
3. Call our hotline at 816-461-HOPE (4673) any time day or night. Our advocates can give you advice on how to talk to and help someone you suspect is being abused.
4. Better yet, encourage the victim/survivor to call us. We won’t try to make them do anything they don’t want to do. We won’t call the police or insist that they come in to shelter. We’re here to help, even if that’s only lending a compassionate ear.

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

 

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. Many people don’t realize that domestic violence impacts not only adults, but young people as well.

One in three teens will experience violence in their dating relationships. The abuse experienced by teens is similar to the abuse experienced by adults, including physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, and intimidation. Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence, at a rate almost triple the national average.

Teens are not always able to talk about the abuse to trusted adults in their lives. This can be due to a variety of factors including not acknowledging the signs of abuse, fear, embarrassment and fearing they wouldn’t be believed.

A teen’s confusion about the law and the desire for confidentiality are two of the most significant barriers to young victims of violence seeking help.

We must work together to bring attention to the issue of teen dating violence. To do that, we need to provide resources and education to the young people who are experiencing violence. We need to understand the dynamics of domestic violence, recognize it when it happens, and offer interventions. These steps are essential if we are to ever break the cycle.

For more resources regarding teen dating violence there are many websites available. Statistics for this blog came from http://www.teendvmonth.org/. You can also visit http://www.breakthecycle.org/ and the Hope House website http://www.hopehouse.net/ for more information.

Lethality Assessment Program

I am excited to tell you about a program that Hope House is doing in conjunction with the Lee’s Summit, Raytown and Grandview Police Departments called the Lethality Assessment Program.

The program represents the work of Dr. Jacquelyn Campbell of The Johns Hopkins University School of Nursing. In her 25 years of research Dr. Campbell learned:

• Only 4% of domestic violence murder victims ever availed themselves of services.
• In 50% of domestic violence related homicides, officers had previously responded to a call to that home.
• The re-assault of domestic violence victims in high danger was reduced by 60% if the victim went into shelter. 

With this research data, the Maryland Coalition Against Domestic Violence (MCADV) began the Lethality Assessment Program for First Responders. The MCADV chose five pilot sites to take their project nation wide and the Kansas City area was chosen as one of those pilot sites through a collaborative effort called the Safe Family Coalition.

WHAT IS LAP

The LAP project is a two pronged intervention program that consists of a research-based lethality screening tool and an accompanying protocol referral that provides direction for the officer based on the results of the screening process. The project consists of a police department and a domestic violence agency working together.

When police are called to the scene of domestic violence situation they utilize the screening tool. This screening is a series of questions that determines if that victim is at high risk for lethality or being killed based on how the victim answers. This screening gives the officers another tool to use to talk with the victim. They can say to the victim, “I am very concerned for your safety. Research shows that based on the way you answered these questions, there is a high likelihood that you will be killed by your abuser.”

SAFETY PLANNING AND REFERRALS

Once the screening is complete, the officer lets the victim know that he/she will be calling Hope House and talking to the hotline operator; the goal being that the victim will talk to the hotline operator as well. The officer will talk with the hotline operator to assist with safety planning and referrals, even if the victim chooses not to get on the phone.

Many of the victims do talk to the hotline operator; 43% have come into services once they have made contact with the shelter. For some of these victims, this conversation is the first time they have ever had contact with us and had the opportunity to learn about the services that are available.

THE RESULTS

The participating police departments agreed to take part in this five month pilot project (June to October 2009) with no additional funding. All participating police departments chose to continue the program due to the success experienced during the pilot phase.

Of 202 screenings, 146 screened high for lethality (72%). We were told to expect about two calls per week but just in our participating communities we were experiencing approximately one call per day. Kansas City is also participating and they were experiencing approximately two calls per day.

What this says to me is that we are reaching a group of people we were not reaching before. We are offering services to those people who are most at risk of being of killed and are least likely to access services. This program is truly saving lives.

We are so proud of the police departments that continue to participate even with no funding or extra resources. They are committed to ending domestic violence and most importantly, committed to helping the victims find safety, support and hope. To the police departments I say thank you; we could not do this work without you and your efforts.