Physical Abuse vs. Fiscal Abuse

               

Most of the news about domestic violence focuses on physical abuse. But, not too many think of the hidden abuses that survivors and families face.

In some cases, fiscal – or financial – abuse can be just as debilitating for a domestic violence victim as physical abuse. The question, “why doesn’t she just leave” is often asked, and one of the answers to that question is finances.

·         Where will the survivor turn with no money?

·         If kids are involved, how will she provide for them if she does not have a job?

·         How can she apply for any mortgage or lease with damaged credit due to the abuser’s economic abuse?

These are questions that come up in 98 percent of abusive relationships. Economic abuse can take on different forms. It could be the abuser’s complete control over the finances, forcing the victim to ask for even a little money or as drastic as intentionally destroying the victim’s credit through credit charges or false claims.

In an article in Forbes Magazine earlier this year, a survivor describes her domestic violence relationship. While she was put on bedrest during her pregnancy, she quickly realized how much her husband was controlling the family finances. Spending more time at home, she started seeing credit card bills and eviction notices in the mail.

When she was able to go back to work, her husband went as far as calling her employer to find out exactly how much she was making. Things got progressively worse and escalated physically. In the end, she left him, but realized she had no economic knowledge. She applied for a job at a bank “on a whim” she says. Now, she is divorced, doing better financially and has a decent savings account.

Stories like this are not unlike those we hear from the survivors and families we help.

Just recently one survivor told Hope House supporters of a time when her husband became physically abusive after finding her secret stash of money she was slowly accumulating in a safe place so she could afford to leave with her children.

The stress of worrying about finances greatly restricts the victim from being able to escape. It destroys self-esteem because the survivor cannot provide for herself or children. And, it could even ruin the survivor’s financial future if her credit has been seriously damaged.

The economic impact of domestic violence is staggering. According to several studies, domestic violence costs the U.S., $8 billion annually in medical costs ($5.8 billion) and lost productivity ($2.5 billion).

The National Network to End Domestic Violence includes a list of examples of financial abuse on its website. Some include:

-          Not allowing the victim access to bank accounts

-          Withholding funds for the victim or children to obtain basic needs such as food and medicine

-          Stealing the victim’s identity, property or inheritance

-          Withholding money or giving “an allowance”

-          Filing false insurance claims

To view the full list, click here.

Tips to consider if you or someone you know is in a financially-abusive relationship:

-          Start acquiring all financial information for you and your family, including: birth certificates, bank statements, and other personal documents. Keep them with a friend or somewhere safe outside of the home

-          Get a copy of your credit report. You are able to get one credit report free of charge annually. Check with the three main credit entities (Equifax, Experian, Trans Union) for details

-          Find ways to earn a little cash on the side and have someone keep it safe for you

-          Work on your budget if you were to leave and plan accordingly

And lastly, if you have more questions, contact our hotline at 816-461-HOPE (4673).

If you would like to support survivors and families of domestic and financial abuse, check out the Purple Purse Challenge fundraising page at www.crowdrise.com/hopehouse3. 

5 ideas for helping someone you suspect is in an abusive relationship

Throughout my 22-year

career in the domestic violence field, I’ve seen almost anything you can imagine as it pertains to abuse. Being out in the community, I hear more people asking, “What do I do if I suspect someone is being abused?” Or, “What do I do if someone comes to me looking for help?” There is a social stigma associated with domestic violence, and sometimes people feel they are helping, but - although they mean well – the advice can hinder the survivor more. Below are five ideas for helping someone you suspect is being abused or who has come to you for help:

Believe them – Often family and friends are not aware that abuse is occurring in someone’s life, which results in survivors feeling alone and isolated. They may be working hard to keep the abuse from those they care about, which can result in them feeling as if they are living two lives. They may be hiding the abuse due to fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment or a variety of other reasons. When they decide to come forward and ask for help, one of the worst things people can do is say, “Oh he wouldn’t do that.”  Not believing a person is in a domestic violence situation can be devastating for that survivor and push him/her even further into isolation and feelings of shame and embarrassment.

Listen –In many cases, domestic violence survivors have no one to talk to or turn to for support. Abusers constantly shame and isolate their victims. Abusers don’t let their partners spend time with friends or family. This alienation reinforces point one and contributes to the survivor’s feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Just listening can be life saving for that person experiencing abuse. The survivor may not be looking for help, just someone to be with; someone who will listen, believe them and not judge them. In some cases, this is the survivor’s way of thinking out-loud. One thing to remember when listening is that even though you may give advice, the decision is ultimately up to the survivor as to the best course of action to take. Multiple factors  go into the decision to leave or not to leave, and ultimately it is up to the survivor to make that decision, but he/she will still need support and a listening ear - whatever the decision. Research shows that it can take a person an average of seven times to leave a relationship before they are able to leave for good. So patience may be required.

Don’t offer ultimatums – Friends want what is best for each other. It is easy to think your relationship means more to a survivor/friend who seeks advice. However, it can be an extremely difficult decision for a survivor to take that step and leave. Do not force the friend into a decision to leave. Abuse is about power and control. Most likely, for a majority of the survivor’s relationship, she/he has been powerless to the control the abuser has over them. If you push a friend into an ultimatum to leave, you are one more person who is trying to take away the survivor’s power and make the decision for him/her.

Be ready with resources – As a supporter of Hope House, you already know we serve survivors and families who suffer from domestic violence. Our hotline is an easy number to remember – 816-461-HOPE (4673). You can direct them to our website – hopehouse.net. There, we have examples of warning signs, our hotline number and a listing of all our resources so they know exactly how we can help. We also offer support to family and friends. If you feel you need support, please call our hotline and we can talk with you about your needs around your family member or friend who is experiencing domestic violence.

Additionally, you can discuss having a safety plan. If the survivor has a friend or relative they can escape to in times of great fear, talk about this with them. Ask if they have an emergency kit with clothes, money or other necessities if she/he has to escape in a hurry. Talk about avoiding rooms with items that could be used as weapons. If there are weapons in the house, know where they are and avoid them if possible. Discuss possible ways to get support at work if the abuser is harassing them at the office. How can the survivor change his/her use of technology? Some ideas include changing passwords to cell phones and email or on-line accounts, changing on-line accounts to one with only the survivor on it, getting a new cell phone or new computer, checking to see if there are monitoring devices on cell phones, on-line accounts, computers and vehicles. These are just a few ideas you can offer. You can check out our Safety Plan Tips for a more comprehensive list of items to consider in safety planning. Each situation is unique, so it is important to look at all factors and it is ok to be creative in creating solutions for safety.

Be patient – Again, do not be discouraged if nothing happens after your conversation. Fear, children, finances and many other factors can constrain the survivor’s ability to leave. You may not be aware of all the factors in the relationship, so don’t jump to any conclusions that the survivor doesn’t “really” want your help or isn’t listening. Help the survivor document, be a friend and listen, help create a safety plan and be ready to help if they decide to leave and need your help.

It's No Laughing Matter: Part II

Last week, Hope House introduced Part I of our new #ItsNoLaughingMatter campaign as part of the 2014 #GivingTuesday (click here if you missed it).

Here is another “joke” mocking victims of domestic violence.

Posts and comments like this are starting to become all too common today. In order to help society understand that domestic violence is no laughing matter, Hope House is sharing advocate stories leading up to #GivingTuesday on December 2.

This week, we wanted to share a story from Brittny:

“During a group session at Hope House, one of the clients shared her story. She got into an argument with her ex-boyfriend after he broke into her home. She ran away for help, and in the process he shot her twice. After that, he pulled her into his car and drove off. Not knowing what he was going to do next, she risked it, opened the truck door and jumped out at 70 miles per hour. She didn’t have any other options.  It’s real.”

Notice this story was between an ex-boyfriend and the victim. Violence is 75 percent more prevalent after the victim leaves. On #GivingTuesday, December 2nd, please stand with Hope House to show domestic violence is no laughing matter. You can stand with us today by forwarding this to others. Help spread the word about domestic violence.

Can't wait to give until #GivingTuesday? Give now HERE!

It's No Laughing Matter: Part I

What’s sad is the fact that Hope House found this online as part of a satirical social media page.

From now to #GivingTuesday, December 2, Hope House would like to present the real side of domestic violence. Too many jokes are made these days of domestic violence. But, our advocates see the pain and hardship of it every day.

Take Stefanie for instance. She is an advocate who visited the hospital several times as part of Hope House’s BridgeSPAN program. View her story below:

“It was the middle of the night. The pager went off, so I responded to one of our hospitals. When I got there, the female victim was there on the hospital bed sitting upright. I greeted her and the police officer with a smile. Shortly after introducing myself and hearing her story, the doctor came in. He proceeded to take out a staple-gun to close the gash in her head where her husband had hit her with something similar to a baton. I’ve never seen something like that before and never want to again.”

As part of Hope House’s #GivingTuesday campaign, we are asking you to stand up and show that you know domestic violence is real. Hope House will spend $3,660 to pay for 122 bed stays in our shelter on #GivingTuesday. Please help us December 2 (Can't wait until then? Give now by clicking here)!  

International Women’s Day - March 8th

This year, International Women’s Day is focused on inspiring change. The UN’s theme is Equality for Women is Progress for All. For us, the change or progress we advocate year round is to end domestic violence. And we're not alone...

Tomorrow there will be events worldwide, celebrating women and inspiring others to get involved. Some women-focused companies are leading the way when it comes to connecting International Women’s Day and the issue of domestic violence. When it comes to speaking out, both Avon and Mary Kay are leading the way.

Avon has celebrated the day by advancing the cause to end domestic violence through its Foundation for Women, celebrity promotional videos and ads, their annual Communication Awards which give accolades to those who speak out against domestic violence and by selling bracelets to raise funds for the cause.

Mary Kay is also committed to changing the lives of women and children by helping to end and prevent domestic violence through The Mary Kay Foundation, sponsoring groundbreaking documentaries on the subject, lobbying congress and sponsoring events like this year's Make Over Day—offering complimentary makeovers to women across the nation on March 8th, International Women's Day.

Locally, MK Studio is doing a Makeover Day Saturday, March 8th, to support Hope House. MK Studio has set a goal to give 100 Makeovers in one day -- Advanced Glamour Makeovers at 10am and Classic Glamour Makeovers at 1:30pm and 3:30pm. Guests are asked to bring any of the following items to donate to Hope House: Toilet paper, paper towels, baby wipes, adult and children’s Tylenol. MK Studio will also have specials during the day to benefit Hope House. MK Studio, 410 SE 3rd Street, Lee’s Summit, MO.  For a free makeover call (816) 797.8013 to secure your spot.

For more information about International Women's Day go to internationalwomensday.com. 

Happy International Women’s Day! Go celebrate and make it count!

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine’s Day! Today is the day many people will enjoy romantic dinners, chocolates, lovely cards and beautiful flowers. They will be told how much they are loved and appreciated by their significant others, parents, children and other important people in their lives.

Valentine’s Day is a wonderful holiday meant to celebrate love and loving relationships. However, this can be an extremely difficult holiday for those who have experienced domestic violence. The presence of flowers can have a different meaning if the only time you ever receive flowers is after a beating. What if the person who professes to love you also beats you? Tells you that you are ugly, worthless and a horrible person? What if your partner forces you to do things you don’t want to do? It can be difficult in those situations to celebrate today.

We work with our clients every day to help them see their inner beauty and their value and worth as an individual. We help them to reclaim their sense of self and find the love for themselves they have lost somewhere in the mess of domestic violence. We don’t need others to love us to be worthwhile individuals. While love from another can be wonderful and fulfilling, we can be o.k. by ourselves and truly love ourselves for who we are. This is the value we work with clients to find and to reclaim.

Today as you celebrate Valentine’s Day remember your worth as an individual and please remember the people that we are working with in our services. They are working hard to recover from the abuse they have suffered and learning to live with new traditions and new found skills. Please consider making a donation to Hope House to help us further our work with amazingly strong and beautiful people--people worthy of love. The best Valentine’s Day present I will receive today is knowing that I helped someone, in some small way; find her voice and her sense of self- worth and love she has for herself. 

To donate, go to hopehouse.net and click on the donate button. 

Happy New Year!

2014 is just around the corner, it is hard to believe another year has passed. 2013 was a year filled with challenges as well as the strength and wisdom to persevere and conquer the challenges. We always reflect on the year passed and what the New Year holds in store for us, the possibilities for us as an agency and for the individuals we serve. It is a great time to set goals and reflect on our accomplishments. We will review our programs and make any necessary changes and look to what else we need to do to address the needs of our clients, always with the goal of ending domestic violence.

We will continue to be a voice for those who are struggling and to make a positive impact in the lives of those we provide services to every day. We couldn’t do what we do without the community support that we receive. We are so grateful to everyone who supports us in carrying out our mission. We have so many volunteers and supporters who help us every day and make our services possible. We are so appreciative of all that they do.

I wish you all a happy and safe New Year and look forward to working with you in 2014 to ending the cycle of violence.

Jackson Katz Part II

Last week I discussed what I learned in the Jackson Katz workshop and I would like to take more time today to discuss an approach that Dr. Katz developed called The Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) Mode. This is a gender violence, bullying and school violence prevention approach that encourages young men and women from all socioeconomic, racial and ethnic backgrounds to take on leadership roles in their schools and communities.

I found this program to be engaging and very effective. It has been used in schools with the focus on students with their friends, their peers, their fellow students. The program looks not at the “victim” or the “perpetrator” but at the bystander. What do the people who are witnessing a violent act or situation do? How do they respond? What do you do if you are in the hallway and you see a guy push a girl into the locker—you aren’t close friends with them but you know them? No one in the hallway is doing anything. What do you do? What can you do? What are your choices? So many people think there are only two responses: intervene physically to stop it or do nothing. What if there are other options? Through this program students are able to see that there are different ways to respond. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. They are shown that each individual can learn valuable skills to build their personal resolve and to act when faced with difficult or threatening life situations.

From his website Dr. Katz describes the program this way: The heart of the model is interactive discussion, in single-sex and mixed-gender classes and workshops, using real-life scenarios that speak to the experiences of young men and women in high school, college and other areas of social life. The chief curricular innovation of MVP is a training tool called the Playbook, which consists of a series of realistic scenarios depicting abusive male (and sometimes female) behavior. The Playbook—with separate versions for boys/men and girls/women—transports participants into scenarios as witnesses to actual or potential abuse, then challenges them to consider a number of concrete options for intervention before, during or after an incident.

Many people mistakenly believe that they have only two options in instances of actual or potential violence: intervene physically and possibly expose themselves to personal harm or do nothing. As a result, they often choose to do nothing.

But intervening physically or doing nothing are not the only possible choices. The MVP Model seeks to provide bystanders with numerous options, most of which carry no risk of personal injury. With more options to choose from, people are more likely to respond and not be passive and silent—and hence complicit—in violence or abuse by others. Some suggestions to come out of the group process: Talk to an adult. Check in with someone who is experiencing bullying or violence. Or check in with someone who is doing the bullying and let them know that's not acceptable. Many young men and women, and people in US society in general, have been socialized to be passive bystanders in the face of sexist abuse and violence. This conditioning is reflected in the oft-heard statement that a situation "between a man and a woman" is "none of my business."

I found this program exciting and I would love to see it implanted in the local schools here in Eastern Jackson County. Let’s help young people learn that they can get involved and they can have a role in ending the violence. To learn more about the Bystander Approach visit the website: www.jacksonkatz.com . To learn more about Hope House and the services we offer visit our website: www.hopehouse.net . I encourage you to get involved and to make a difference.

Guest Blog by Christine Urbanek

Recently a friend of mine, whose daughter had returned to an abusive relationship, asked me for some help. After returning home to a supportive family last year, my friend’s daughter had saved enough money to get an apartment and make a fresh start. So how did she end up back in the very same bad relationship she had so resolutely fled? She did so for what she felt were good and responsible reasons around affordable childcare, but it put her right back where she had been. And it happens all the time.

So, why do victims sometimes return to or stay with abusers? There are several reasons (nnedv.org):

• Abusers work very hard to keep victims in relationships and under their control.
• Fear of death or more abuse if they leave. A victim’s risk of getting killed greatly increases when they are in the process of leaving or have just left.
• Batterers are very good at making victims think that the abuse is their fault. Victims often believe that if they caused the violence, they can also stop it.
• Victims stay because they are made to think they cannot survive on their own, financially or otherwise. Often abusers create a financial situation that makes leaving nearly impossible.
• Survivors sometimes want the abuse to end, not the relationship.
• A survivor may return to the abuser because that’s the person she fell in love with, and she believes his promises to change. It’s not easy for anyone to let go of hopes and dreams.

And here are the facts (nnedv.org):

• Nearly one in every four women are beaten or raped by a partner during adulthood.
• 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.
• Three women are killed by a current or former intimate partner each day in America, on average.
• Over 22 percent of women surveyed reported being physically assaulted by a current or former partner in their lifetime.
• Women who were physically assaulted by an intimate partner averaged 6.9 physical assaults per year by the same partner.
• Approximately 37% of women seeking injury-related treatment in hospital emergency rooms were there because of injuries inflicted by a current or former spouse/partner.

Given this information, perhaps the best place to start to end domestic violence is prevention. So here is a list of red flags (nnedv.org). Get to know them. Look around. Be aware. And if you see this in your relationship or that of a loved one, take action.

Red Flags of Abuse (nnedv.org):

• Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.
• Does not honor your boundaries.
• Is excessively jealous and accuses you of having affairs.
• Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails and texts you throughout the day.
• Criticizes you or puts you down; most commonly tells you that you are "crazy," "stupid" and/or "fat," or that no one would ever want or love you.
• Says one thing and does another.
• Takes no responsibility for their behavior and blames others.
• Has a history of battering.
• Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on their partner; for example, "My ex was a total bitch."
• Grew up in an abusive or violent home.
• Insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.
• Seems "too good to be true."
• Insists that you stop participating in leisure interests.
• Rages out of control and is impulsive.

If you find yourself in a violent relationship, please call the Hope House hotline at 816.461.HOPE (4673) for help. If you feel the need to do more research before making that call, we recommend the following websites for more in-depth information about recognizing domestic violence, creating a safety plan, protecting your identity and getting help.

Hope House

Missouri Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence

National Network to End Domestic Violence

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence