Physical Abuse vs. Fiscal Abuse

               

Most of the news about domestic violence focuses on physical abuse. But, not too many think of the hidden abuses that survivors and families face.

In some cases, fiscal – or financial – abuse can be just as debilitating for a domestic violence victim as physical abuse. The question, “why doesn’t she just leave” is often asked, and one of the answers to that question is finances.

·         Where will the survivor turn with no money?

·         If kids are involved, how will she provide for them if she does not have a job?

·         How can she apply for any mortgage or lease with damaged credit due to the abuser’s economic abuse?

These are questions that come up in 98 percent of abusive relationships. Economic abuse can take on different forms. It could be the abuser’s complete control over the finances, forcing the victim to ask for even a little money or as drastic as intentionally destroying the victim’s credit through credit charges or false claims.

In an article in Forbes Magazine earlier this year, a survivor describes her domestic violence relationship. While she was put on bedrest during her pregnancy, she quickly realized how much her husband was controlling the family finances. Spending more time at home, she started seeing credit card bills and eviction notices in the mail.

When she was able to go back to work, her husband went as far as calling her employer to find out exactly how much she was making. Things got progressively worse and escalated physically. In the end, she left him, but realized she had no economic knowledge. She applied for a job at a bank “on a whim” she says. Now, she is divorced, doing better financially and has a decent savings account.

Stories like this are not unlike those we hear from the survivors and families we help.

Just recently one survivor told Hope House supporters of a time when her husband became physically abusive after finding her secret stash of money she was slowly accumulating in a safe place so she could afford to leave with her children.

The stress of worrying about finances greatly restricts the victim from being able to escape. It destroys self-esteem because the survivor cannot provide for herself or children. And, it could even ruin the survivor’s financial future if her credit has been seriously damaged.

The economic impact of domestic violence is staggering. According to several studies, domestic violence costs the U.S., $8 billion annually in medical costs ($5.8 billion) and lost productivity ($2.5 billion).

The National Network to End Domestic Violence includes a list of examples of financial abuse on its website. Some include:

-          Not allowing the victim access to bank accounts

-          Withholding funds for the victim or children to obtain basic needs such as food and medicine

-          Stealing the victim’s identity, property or inheritance

-          Withholding money or giving “an allowance”

-          Filing false insurance claims

To view the full list, click here.

Tips to consider if you or someone you know is in a financially-abusive relationship:

-          Start acquiring all financial information for you and your family, including: birth certificates, bank statements, and other personal documents. Keep them with a friend or somewhere safe outside of the home

-          Get a copy of your credit report. You are able to get one credit report free of charge annually. Check with the three main credit entities (Equifax, Experian, Trans Union) for details

-          Find ways to earn a little cash on the side and have someone keep it safe for you

-          Work on your budget if you were to leave and plan accordingly

And lastly, if you have more questions, contact our hotline at 816-461-HOPE (4673).

If you would like to support survivors and families of domestic and financial abuse, check out the Purple Purse Challenge fundraising page at www.crowdrise.com/hopehouse3. 

5 ideas for helping someone you suspect is in an abusive relationship

Throughout my 22-year

career in the domestic violence field, I’ve seen almost anything you can imagine as it pertains to abuse. Being out in the community, I hear more people asking, “What do I do if I suspect someone is being abused?” Or, “What do I do if someone comes to me looking for help?” There is a social stigma associated with domestic violence, and sometimes people feel they are helping, but - although they mean well – the advice can hinder the survivor more. Below are five ideas for helping someone you suspect is being abused or who has come to you for help:

Believe them – Often family and friends are not aware that abuse is occurring in someone’s life, which results in survivors feeling alone and isolated. They may be working hard to keep the abuse from those they care about, which can result in them feeling as if they are living two lives. They may be hiding the abuse due to fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment or a variety of other reasons. When they decide to come forward and ask for help, one of the worst things people can do is say, “Oh he wouldn’t do that.”  Not believing a person is in a domestic violence situation can be devastating for that survivor and push him/her even further into isolation and feelings of shame and embarrassment.

Listen –In many cases, domestic violence survivors have no one to talk to or turn to for support. Abusers constantly shame and isolate their victims. Abusers don’t let their partners spend time with friends or family. This alienation reinforces point one and contributes to the survivor’s feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Just listening can be life saving for that person experiencing abuse. The survivor may not be looking for help, just someone to be with; someone who will listen, believe them and not judge them. In some cases, this is the survivor’s way of thinking out-loud. One thing to remember when listening is that even though you may give advice, the decision is ultimately up to the survivor as to the best course of action to take. Multiple factors  go into the decision to leave or not to leave, and ultimately it is up to the survivor to make that decision, but he/she will still need support and a listening ear - whatever the decision. Research shows that it can take a person an average of seven times to leave a relationship before they are able to leave for good. So patience may be required.

Don’t offer ultimatums – Friends want what is best for each other. It is easy to think your relationship means more to a survivor/friend who seeks advice. However, it can be an extremely difficult decision for a survivor to take that step and leave. Do not force the friend into a decision to leave. Abuse is about power and control. Most likely, for a majority of the survivor’s relationship, she/he has been powerless to the control the abuser has over them. If you push a friend into an ultimatum to leave, you are one more person who is trying to take away the survivor’s power and make the decision for him/her.

Be ready with resources – As a supporter of Hope House, you already know we serve survivors and families who suffer from domestic violence. Our hotline is an easy number to remember – 816-461-HOPE (4673). You can direct them to our website – hopehouse.net. There, we have examples of warning signs, our hotline number and a listing of all our resources so they know exactly how we can help. We also offer support to family and friends. If you feel you need support, please call our hotline and we can talk with you about your needs around your family member or friend who is experiencing domestic violence.

Additionally, you can discuss having a safety plan. If the survivor has a friend or relative they can escape to in times of great fear, talk about this with them. Ask if they have an emergency kit with clothes, money or other necessities if she/he has to escape in a hurry. Talk about avoiding rooms with items that could be used as weapons. If there are weapons in the house, know where they are and avoid them if possible. Discuss possible ways to get support at work if the abuser is harassing them at the office. How can the survivor change his/her use of technology? Some ideas include changing passwords to cell phones and email or on-line accounts, changing on-line accounts to one with only the survivor on it, getting a new cell phone or new computer, checking to see if there are monitoring devices on cell phones, on-line accounts, computers and vehicles. These are just a few ideas you can offer. You can check out our Safety Plan Tips for a more comprehensive list of items to consider in safety planning. Each situation is unique, so it is important to look at all factors and it is ok to be creative in creating solutions for safety.

Be patient – Again, do not be discouraged if nothing happens after your conversation. Fear, children, finances and many other factors can constrain the survivor’s ability to leave. You may not be aware of all the factors in the relationship, so don’t jump to any conclusions that the survivor doesn’t “really” want your help or isn’t listening. Help the survivor document, be a friend and listen, help create a safety plan and be ready to help if they decide to leave and need your help.

Lesson Learned From Clinton - Stop The Victim Blaming

With the tragic loss of Sandra Sutton (in Clinton, Missouri) due to domestic violence, there has been more discussion about domestic violence, how does it happen, why does it happen, why don’t people leave, and why don’t they call the police. There are so many questions because domestic violence is so complicated. There are no easy answers and the answers can challenge our way of thinking and shatter our vision of a peaceful and happy existence.

If someone has never experienced domestic violence or been exposed to it, the thought that someone who is supposed to love another person could hurt them in a violent way is hard to understand and wrap your arms around. The thought that someone could be kept in a box for months is something that even those of us who work in the field of domestic violence have to take a break and regroup. It takes your breath away as you imagine that horror. It made me sick to my stomach to imagine the horror she experienced. It made me cry.

That type of act is hideous and unthinkable. But yet, it happened here in our state of Missouri. This is the case we know about. Unfortunately, it is probably happening to someone else and we just don’t know it.

But why does it happen? Why does a relationship get so out of control?

That is where the difficulty in understanding comes in. There are so many reasons. But, even when you hear the reasons, it is hard to make sense of it. Even if you understand the origin and the thought process, coming to terms with such heinous acts is difficult.  How does a person get so out of control that he does something like that to his partner? Then, the even more unthinkable happens; she gets away and he hunts her down and murders her and her 17-year-old son.

How does someone do that? How does someone become so filled with hate and rage that they can do that? The answer is so simple, yet very complex – power and control. He had to have complete power over his partner, he went to unimaginable lengths to control her, and when he lost that control he committed the ultimate act of domestic violence: murder to regain that power and control. If he couldn’t control her and have complete power over her, then no one else would either, especially her. He wouldn’t allow her to make her own decisions and to live her life the way she wanted. He made sure of that when he murdered her and her son.

The important thing to remember is, it was not her fault!

She is not responsible for being murdered or kept in a box. She escaped and he tracked her down and he killed her. She is not to be blamed for this horrible act. It doesn’t matter if she called the police or didn’t call the police, or if she filed for a protection order or didn’t file for one. It was NOT her fault.

We cannot blame the victim for the things that happen to them. We must focus the attention on the perpetrator of the violence and the crime. But yet, somehow in domestic violence situations we blame the victim. We look at what she did or didn’t do and make it somehow her fault instead of looking at the perpetrator and placing the responsibility there and there alone.

If we are ever going to end domestic violence, it will be when we hold perpetrators accountable and break the cycle of violence. We must take responsibility as a society that domestic violence is allowed to happen. Whether it is a push, punch or kept locked-up in a box; it is wrong and must be stopped. We must work together to address the issue, we must shift the conversation from why didn’t she leave, why didn’t she call the police, get a protection order, to violence is not okay, and we must stop it. We must not allow our conversations to continue the abuse of the victim by blaming her, and we must all agree that violence is never the answer, violence is not okay.

If you want to learn more about domestic violence and the resources that are available and how you can help, please visit www.hopehouse.net. If you are in need of help please call the metro domestic violence hotline: 816-HOTLINE.

Stalking Awareness Month

January is Stalking Awareness Month. It is a month dedicated to education and bringing awareness to the issue of stalking.

• 3.4 million people are stalked each year in the United State.
• Intimate partner stalking is the most common type of stalking and the most dangerous.

At the suggestion of the Stalking Awareness website http://www.stalkingawarenessmonth.org/ I googled “track girlfriend” to see what would come up. I was not at all surprised to find websites and articles that give details on how to “track” someone “you love”.   It is very scary to me how easy it is to track someone’s movements. Most often the person doesn't even know they’re being stalked.

Cell phones are an easy and often used way to stalk someone. It is so easy to install a tracking device on a phone without the person even being aware. There are apps available for download and no way for the owner to know it has been installed.

I have read that some shelters across the country are taking clients’ cell phones as they enter shelter. The staff takes the phone apart so any tracking mechanism is disabled.  Abusers have shown up at their location due to the cell phone tracking devices! 

Thank goodness, at Hope House, we have not experienced this issue but we absolutely talk to our clients about technology, the advances that have been made in the past few years, and the various ways that someone can be “tracked”.

Stalking is a very dangerous crime and one that needs to be taken seriously. Most stalking victims know their stalkers. 60% of stalkers have stalked before. This has become a major issue in our society.

I encourage you to visit the website http://www.stalkingawarenessmonth.org/ to learn facts about stalking and ideas on how you can participate in bringing more awareness to the issue.

Stalking Awareness Month

January 2011 marks the 8^th annual Stalking Awareness Month. During the month of January programs will bring awareness to the issue of stalking and what people can do to stop it.

3.4 million people are stalked in this country each year. Often the perception is that it is celebrities that are stalked by crazed fans. While this does happen, it is not the majority of stalking cases. Three out of four victims know their stalker. Nearly one third of victims are stalked by a current or former spouse or girl/boy friend.

The impact of stalking takes many forms but the emotional and physical toll on the victims is tremendous. The constant threat of someone following you, watching your moves and threatening you places a heavy toll on stalking victims. People who are stalked are always afraid and constantly looking over their shoulders. It is difficult to find peace and rest when fear is always present.

• 46% of stalking victims fear not knowing what will happen next.
• 29% of stalking victims fear the stalking will never stop.
• The prevalence of anxiety, insomnia, social dysfunction, and severe depression is much higher among stalking victims than the general population, especially if the stalking involves being followed or having one’s property destroyed.
• 2/3 of stalkers pursue their victims at least once per week, many daily.
• 78% of stalkers use more than one means of approach.

If you know someone who is being stalked or you are a victim, there are resources available. A great resource is the Stalking Resource Center at www.ncvc.org and also at www.stalkingawarenessmonth.org. As always, Hope House can help answer questions and assist with safety planning. Our 24-hour hotline 816-461-HOPE (4673) is always available.

 

Source: The Stalking Resource Center. (June 2009) Stalking Fact Sheet 2Tjaden, P., & Thoennes, N. (1998). Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women survey. National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Research in Brief. Washington, DC: U.S. Department

End the Silence on Domestic Violence

If you haven’t been watching Dr. Phil (on ABC) the past couple of months you may have missed his very exciting announcement about his partnership with the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) and his new initiative called End the Silence on Domestic Violence. He launched a season long campaign to bring attention to the issue of domestic violence.

His shows have addressed the many aspects of domestic violence: red flags to look for, teen dating violence and the danger when leaving an abusive relationship. His attention to this topic is encouraging and brings much hope to those of us in the field.

It is so helpful to have a national celebrity talking about the issue, bringing it to the forefront and allowing it to be discussed openly. It is a legitimate topic to address and I appreciate his attention.

I am so pleased that Sue Else with NNEDV has partnered with Dr. Phil as she understands this issue like no other. She worked at Hope House for 18 years and is always bringing the issue to the forefront. Her efforts in this are greatly appreciated.

Many lives will be impacted by the discussions that have taken place and will take place over the course of the season. It is so helpful to have those with such a large audience talking about the issue, raising the awareness and directing people to the available resources.

Hope House will be here offering the services to those in need and helping Dr. Phil and NNEDV end the silence. For more information on Dr. Phil’s efforts, visit his website. For Hope House resources, please visit hopehouse.net.