5 ideas for helping someone you suspect is in an abusive relationship

Throughout my 22-year

career in the domestic violence field, I’ve seen almost anything you can imagine as it pertains to abuse. Being out in the community, I hear more people asking, “What do I do if I suspect someone is being abused?” Or, “What do I do if someone comes to me looking for help?” There is a social stigma associated with domestic violence, and sometimes people feel they are helping, but - although they mean well – the advice can hinder the survivor more. Below are five ideas for helping someone you suspect is being abused or who has come to you for help:

Believe them – Often family and friends are not aware that abuse is occurring in someone’s life, which results in survivors feeling alone and isolated. They may be working hard to keep the abuse from those they care about, which can result in them feeling as if they are living two lives. They may be hiding the abuse due to fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment or a variety of other reasons. When they decide to come forward and ask for help, one of the worst things people can do is say, “Oh he wouldn’t do that.”  Not believing a person is in a domestic violence situation can be devastating for that survivor and push him/her even further into isolation and feelings of shame and embarrassment.

Listen –In many cases, domestic violence survivors have no one to talk to or turn to for support. Abusers constantly shame and isolate their victims. Abusers don’t let their partners spend time with friends or family. This alienation reinforces point one and contributes to the survivor’s feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Just listening can be life saving for that person experiencing abuse. The survivor may not be looking for help, just someone to be with; someone who will listen, believe them and not judge them. In some cases, this is the survivor’s way of thinking out-loud. One thing to remember when listening is that even though you may give advice, the decision is ultimately up to the survivor as to the best course of action to take. Multiple factors  go into the decision to leave or not to leave, and ultimately it is up to the survivor to make that decision, but he/she will still need support and a listening ear - whatever the decision. Research shows that it can take a person an average of seven times to leave a relationship before they are able to leave for good. So patience may be required.

Don’t offer ultimatums – Friends want what is best for each other. It is easy to think your relationship means more to a survivor/friend who seeks advice. However, it can be an extremely difficult decision for a survivor to take that step and leave. Do not force the friend into a decision to leave. Abuse is about power and control. Most likely, for a majority of the survivor’s relationship, she/he has been powerless to the control the abuser has over them. If you push a friend into an ultimatum to leave, you are one more person who is trying to take away the survivor’s power and make the decision for him/her.

Be ready with resources – As a supporter of Hope House, you already know we serve survivors and families who suffer from domestic violence. Our hotline is an easy number to remember – 816-461-HOPE (4673). You can direct them to our website – hopehouse.net. There, we have examples of warning signs, our hotline number and a listing of all our resources so they know exactly how we can help. We also offer support to family and friends. If you feel you need support, please call our hotline and we can talk with you about your needs around your family member or friend who is experiencing domestic violence.

Additionally, you can discuss having a safety plan. If the survivor has a friend or relative they can escape to in times of great fear, talk about this with them. Ask if they have an emergency kit with clothes, money or other necessities if she/he has to escape in a hurry. Talk about avoiding rooms with items that could be used as weapons. If there are weapons in the house, know where they are and avoid them if possible. Discuss possible ways to get support at work if the abuser is harassing them at the office. How can the survivor change his/her use of technology? Some ideas include changing passwords to cell phones and email or on-line accounts, changing on-line accounts to one with only the survivor on it, getting a new cell phone or new computer, checking to see if there are monitoring devices on cell phones, on-line accounts, computers and vehicles. These are just a few ideas you can offer. You can check out our Safety Plan Tips for a more comprehensive list of items to consider in safety planning. Each situation is unique, so it is important to look at all factors and it is ok to be creative in creating solutions for safety.

Be patient – Again, do not be discouraged if nothing happens after your conversation. Fear, children, finances and many other factors can constrain the survivor’s ability to leave. You may not be aware of all the factors in the relationship, so don’t jump to any conclusions that the survivor doesn’t “really” want your help or isn’t listening. Help the survivor document, be a friend and listen, help create a safety plan and be ready to help if they decide to leave and need your help.

Help Us Win Pepsi Refresh Project

People are buzzing and there is great excitement at Hope House as we have made it into the voting round for the Pepsi Refresh Project. We have tried for months to get our project in with no success, until this month!

What is Pepsi Refresh? Pepsi is funding ideas that “refresh your world”. They say if we can dream it, submit it and get enough votes, they will help make it happen.

We hope to win $50,000 to help provide free legal services to domestic violence victims. We ask that everyone vote for us and share this information with your friends.

You can vote three ways every day:

1) Through this link: http://pep.si/kJS4mL You can log in through your Facebook account, or sign up for a Pepsi account. Or do both and get more votes!

2) Scan this QR code with your smartphone to easily vote by text (download the reader for free from your app store). Or text 107076 to 73774. (Standard text messaging rates apply.)

3) Get Power Votes on specially-marked Pepsi products. Click on “Power Vote for this idea” on the Hope House Pepsi Refresh page. Enter your power code and get up to 100 extra votes.

We need to be one of the top 10 vote-getters in our category to win $50,000. Please support us and vote every day throughout June to help us give our clients the support

Valentine's Day

Next week many people will hear from their significant other how much they are loved and how much they are appreciated. This will be shown with flowers, candy and perhaps a romantic dinner out. Of course, I am talking about celebrating Valentine's Day.

This is a wonderful holiday to celebrate with your loved one and to show them how much you care. However, this can be an extremely difficult holiday for those who have been experiencing domestic violence. The presence of flowers can have a different meaning if the only time you ever receive flowers is after a beating. What if the person who professes to love you also beats you? Calls you horrible names? Forces you to do things you don’t want to do?

 For those who are in our shelter and outreach services, we work to make this day special by celebrating our uniqueness and our special value as individuals. We work with clients to accept who they are and to work through where they have been. We help them dig down deep inside and find that person who is special and worthy of love - especially their own self-love.

When you have been a victim of abuse you can lose your love for yourself. You learn to believe the things that were said about you - that you are unlovable and unworthy of anyone’s love, not even your own. For if you were worth something and lovable, then your partner would not have had to beat you, right? (Of course not! The responsibility of the abuse lies with the abuser, not the victim.)

I ask that as you celebrate Valentine's Day next week, you pause and remember the women and children who are in shelter and services at Hope House. They are working hard to recover from their experiences of abuse, hoping to find themselves and to love themselves again.

Knowing that someone reclaimed themselves and found their voice to profess their self worth and their worthiness of love is the best Valentine's Day present I can receive.

(Note: If you'd like to be a part of a Valentine's Day present we're working on for the women in our shelter, please visit our website www.hopehouse.net.)

 

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

 

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. Many people don’t realize that domestic violence impacts not only adults, but young people as well.

One in three teens will experience violence in their dating relationships. The abuse experienced by teens is similar to the abuse experienced by adults, including physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, and intimidation. Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence, at a rate almost triple the national average.

Teens are not always able to talk about the abuse to trusted adults in their lives. This can be due to a variety of factors including not acknowledging the signs of abuse, fear, embarrassment and fearing they wouldn’t be believed.

A teen’s confusion about the law and the desire for confidentiality are two of the most significant barriers to young victims of violence seeking help.

We must work together to bring attention to the issue of teen dating violence. To do that, we need to provide resources and education to the young people who are experiencing violence. We need to understand the dynamics of domestic violence, recognize it when it happens, and offer interventions. These steps are essential if we are to ever break the cycle.

For more resources regarding teen dating violence there are many websites available. Statistics for this blog came from http://www.teendvmonth.org/. You can also visit http://www.breakthecycle.org/ and the Hope House website http://www.hopehouse.net/ for more information.

The Demand is Rising

On September 15^th Hope House once again took part in the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) Census. This is an annual count of adults and children who seek services from U.S. domestic violence shelter programs during a single 24-hour survey period.

In that same 24-hour period last year, the results showed us that Missouri programs:

• served 2,033 victims.
• provided 1,238 victims emergency shelters or transitional housing.
• provided 795 adults and children non-residential assistance and services such as counselling and legal advocacy.
• answered 515 hotline calls.
• educated 1,410 people in prevention trainings.
• turned away 416 requests for service. 

While the number served is truly amazing, in the entirety of 2009 Missouri programs had to turn away more people than they served due to lack of funding/lack of staff.

I suspect that when the numbers for the 2010 census are released in a few months the picture will be worse.  I am anticipating that we will see more turned away, more numbers served, and a greater demand for services.

Hopefully soon we will see a trend in the opposite direction that will find providers with enough funding to increase their capacity to meet the growing need.

If you want to learn more about the census and what is happening across the country, visit the NNEDV website at www.nnedv.org and click on projects. 

Survivor Treatment Group

Hope House offers a 12 week Survivor Treatment Group to battered women who are out of their abusive relationships for at least three months and attempting to put their lives back together. 

Abusers’ tactics of verbal and emotional abuse reinforce a negative perception of self. The victim begins to see herself as her abuser defines her. She loses her self-identity. The focus of the Survivor Treatment Group is the recovery of a sense of self. We help the client to define her own beliefs, validate her own feelings and develop a healthy regard for her self worth. This allows the client to transform herself from victim to survivor to thriver.

There are five topics addressed with two weeks devoted to each topic. Participants explore issues in their own lives relating to the topic discussed.

Week 1: “I’m Okay, You’re Okay.” A look at power and control in abusive relationships.  Why does it happen? How does it happen?

Week 3: “How Did this Happen to Me?” A look at our own personalities. Where did we get our life ‘tapes’? How did my ‘tapes’ allow me to remain in an abusive relationship?

Week 5: “Whose Fence is this Anyway?”  Establishing healthy boundaries. A look at what boundaries really are and what role they play in establishing and maintaining healthy relationships.

Week 7: “The Secret to it All – Loving Myself.” A look at self-esteem. How do I get there? Tools to help me stop beating myself up.

Week 9: “Letting the World Know I Love Myself.” A look at assertiveness and tools for healthy communication.

Week 11: “Putting it all Together – Letting it all Go.” Putting all the previous information together to let go of the past and start over with power in the present moment.

To get more information about joining this group, call our hotline at 816-461-HOPE (4673).

Theraplay - Enhancing the Bond Between Mother and Child

This week’s guest blogger is Thada Pulliam, one of Hope House’s Child Therapists.

When women arrive at Hope House with their children, there is often a disconnect between them. Mom may have been distancing herself from her child in order to keep her abuser's attention off the child and focused on her.

One of our goals when working with our clients is to enhance attachment, trust, self-esteem and joyful engagement between a mom and her child. To accomplish this, we use Theraplay.

Theraplay is a structured play therapy that focuses on attachment and relationship development.

Theraplay treatment can involve:

• Structured activities such as 1) the 3-legged race where the mom is providing direction; 2) mom directing the child to copy her eye or hand movements.

• Engaging activities:  1) the child hides a cotton ball within their clothes and mom must find it; 2) hand games such as creating a special hand shake, or playing patty cake.

• Nurturing activities:  1) mom checks the hands, arms, legs and feet for hurts, and then applies lotion with soft strokes while singing a lullaby; 2) while applying lotion to feet, mom recites “this little piggy”.

• Challenge activities: 1) mom places an item such as a book or pillow on the child for the child to balance; 2) thumb wrestling.

As a result of these activities, we hope to re-establish a sense of specialness, togetherness and fun between mom and her child.

Coming to Shelter

Coming to shelter can be one of the most intimidating steps a survivor takes on her road to escape abuse. Leaving behind all that she knows and all that she has can be scary.

The first couple of days in shelter will be spent adjusting to the new routines and getting oriented. Kids will need to be enrolled in school, if the decision is made to change schools. If she decides to keep the kids in their home school, that school is contacted to arrange transportation for the child.

Our goal is to make the shelter environment as home-like as possible. We want to make sure she and her children have stability, and feel safe and secure. We provide everything that they need: toilet paper, paper towels, tooth paste, shampoo and other personal care items, clothing, and meals. Residents don’t have to worry about spending money on these things because we are able to get most of the items donated by our caring community.

Each woman in shelter is assigned an Advocate. The advocates work with her to identify her strengths, areas of need, her goals, and obstacles to accomplishing her goals. To help her on that path, we offer individual and group counseling (for both women and children), parenting support and substance abuse counseling.

We do not have a set length of stay for shelter. We feel strongly that everyone’s needs are different. It’s difficult to say that in 60 days a woman will have her needs addressed and now it’s time for her to leave shelter.

We do not tell women what to do or what to think, but help them to determine what they want for themselves as they begin their journey toward a life free of abuse.