It's No Laughing Matter: Part III

One of this year’s “funny” Halloween costumes was Ray and Janay Rice. Sadly, there are also images of children in Rice jerseys dragging toy dolls with painted black eyes. Janay Rice posted a response stating, “It’s sad that my suffering amuses others.”

Too often domestic violence becomes the butt of jokes to amuse others. Domestic violence happens every day. It happens here. And, it’s no laughing matter!

This month, Hope House is sharing advocate stories leading up to #GivingTuesday on December 2nd to show DV is real (click here to see Part I and Part II). This week’s story comes from Tanya:

"The client was upset that it had gotten to a point where her abuser physically hurt her. She had already taken so much verbal abuse and manipulation. But, one day, it escalated. She wanted to go out with some friends, but he wouldn’t have it. They got into an argument. He threw out the typical manipulative terms. This time, she stood up to him. But, then he shoved her. When she fell down, he proceeded to lean over her and threaten her even more, telling her she was lucky he didn’t hit her harder.”
Most domestic violence begins with verbal abuse and/or manipulation. Abuse is abuse. If it’s a verbal put-down, a shove, or smack - It’s abuse. Next week on #GivingTuesday, Hope House will spend $3,660 for 122 people to stay in our shelter. Please stand with Hope House on December 2 to show domestic violence is real and #ItsNoLaughingMatter. Donate and share this message with others.

It's No Laughing Matter: Part II

Last week, Hope House introduced Part I of our new #ItsNoLaughingMatter campaign as part of the 2014 #GivingTuesday (click here if you missed it).

Here is another “joke” mocking victims of domestic violence.

Posts and comments like this are starting to become all too common today. In order to help society understand that domestic violence is no laughing matter, Hope House is sharing advocate stories leading up to #GivingTuesday on December 2.

This week, we wanted to share a story from Brittny:

“During a group session at Hope House, one of the clients shared her story. She got into an argument with her ex-boyfriend after he broke into her home. She ran away for help, and in the process he shot her twice. After that, he pulled her into his car and drove off. Not knowing what he was going to do next, she risked it, opened the truck door and jumped out at 70 miles per hour. She didn’t have any other options.  It’s real.”

Notice this story was between an ex-boyfriend and the victim. Violence is 75 percent more prevalent after the victim leaves. On #GivingTuesday, December 2nd, please stand with Hope House to show domestic violence is no laughing matter. You can stand with us today by forwarding this to others. Help spread the word about domestic violence.

Can't wait to give until #GivingTuesday? Give now HERE!

It's No Laughing Matter: Part I

What’s sad is the fact that Hope House found this online as part of a satirical social media page.

From now to #GivingTuesday, December 2, Hope House would like to present the real side of domestic violence. Too many jokes are made these days of domestic violence. But, our advocates see the pain and hardship of it every day.

Take Stefanie for instance. She is an advocate who visited the hospital several times as part of Hope House’s BridgeSPAN program. View her story below:

“It was the middle of the night. The pager went off, so I responded to one of our hospitals. When I got there, the female victim was there on the hospital bed sitting upright. I greeted her and the police officer with a smile. Shortly after introducing myself and hearing her story, the doctor came in. He proceeded to take out a staple-gun to close the gash in her head where her husband had hit her with something similar to a baton. I’ve never seen something like that before and never want to again.”

As part of Hope House’s #GivingTuesday campaign, we are asking you to stand up and show that you know domestic violence is real. Hope House will spend $3,660 to pay for 122 bed stays in our shelter on #GivingTuesday. Please help us December 2 (Can't wait until then? Give now by clicking here)!  

Kander visits Hope House for DV Awareness Month

LEE’S SUMMIT, Missouri -- Missouri Secretary of State Jason Kander visited Hope House today to learn more about the shelter and services provided to clients as part of October’s Domestic Violence Awareness month.

Kander was specifically interested in the success of Missouri’s “Safe at Home” program that is administered through his office to provide victims of abuse residence identification alternatives on public records.

 “We are excited to welcome Secretary Kander to our office and show him the great work we are doing in eastern Jackson County,” said MaryAnne Metheny, Hope House chief executive officer. “Violence is 75 percent more prevalent when victims courageously decide to leave their abuser. That is why we choose to be a Safe at Home program agent.”

Metheny also provided a tour to Kander and law enforcement officials in attendance.

“We appreciate the staff’s help with the Safe at Home program,” said Kander. “Having that help from the frontline is crucial to programs like Safe at Home. So, it’s encouraging to go to places like Hope House where people share such a passion for their work.”

The Safe at Home program has protected more than 2,000 Missourians since it began. It is not to be confused with a witness protection program, but another tool available for victims to protect themselves from their abusers, Kander said.

“Hope House was one of the first agents for the Safe at Home program,” said Metheny. “One of our advocates was the 69th registered agent in the state. Now, she and 27 other advocates educate roughly 30 victims a month as well as local police officers and hospital staff on the benefits of the program.”

Domestic Violence Awareness month began in October 1987, which was the year the first national toll-free domestic violence hotline began. Purple is worn throughout the month to promote awareness.

Hope House is Missouri’s largest domestic violence shelter. Founded more than 30 years ago, the organization provides a 122-bed shelter; a 24-hour crisis hotline; outreach therapy groups and child care services; legal services to assist victims; and a speakers’ bureau to educate law enforcement, hospital staff and volunteers.

For more information about Hope House, please call 816-257-9363 or visit www.hopehouse.net. For the 24-hour Hotline, please call 816-461-HOPE (4673).

Where Are You Now

In June of 2014, the body of Shaunda Thomas was found lying in the middle of a Kansas City apartment complex playground. Murdered by her long-time boyfriend, Shaunda leaves behind her four children, family and friends. In response to their employee Shaunda’s death and the prevalence of domestic violence in our community, Time Warner Cable has designed a program for their work force called “Shaunda’s Voice.” This program strives to provide education and support for those affected by domestic violence.

Anne Vega wrote a poem about domestic violence earlier this year, only to then lose her friend and co-worker Shaunda to such violence just a few months later. Anne shared her poem at the kick-off for the “Shaunda’s Voice” program, and she has been so generous to share it here today.

Where Are You Now

White beaded flowing royal dress

Mermaid, princess, traditional she truly did impress

He took her hand and repeated what the minister said to say

She looked in his eyes and gave him her life that day

She gave her heart, all he ever wanted was her body and soul

Two but one divided, will they ever be made whole

The gown now stained, faded and soiled

A reminder of the hope for happiness now quickly recoiled

Silent days, lonely, dark and painful nights

A child on the way, she believes she must sacrifice her rights

Hiding in the shadows hoping no one would notice

Her blood stained cheeks and weak smile, she keeps up appearances

Words now exchanged are cordial and cool

Except for his words that begin by calling her a fool

Where are you God? she cries in desperation

Is there anyone who can help in this situation?

She musters the strength, packs a bag and is ready to flee 

He runs after her with roses and promises with insincerity

She remembers her vow on that now fateful day

Looks in the children's eyes and agree once more to stay

This viral germ has spread from home to home

With no regard for culture, income, neighborhood or zone

Please join me in the fight to end this destructive spiraling social disease

One by one, looking for signs and opportunities, be compelled to seize

Where is God? I still hear that cry

Oh my daughter, my sister, my mother, my niece, my aunt, my cousin, my neighbor, my friend, He is close by

Ready to save for this was never His plan…..but first you must agree

He needs our full cooperation for you to break free.

Anne Vega 2/1/14

What do YOU think?

Is there anything different that I can say that has not already been said? Haven’t we all heard it over and over this past week? Ray Rice did this, Ray Rice did that. That woman is a gold-digger, she must have deserved it. Why didn’t she leave? Why did she stay?

Is it any wonder that my teenage daughter is confused? She came to me and said that Janay Rice was stupid for marrying him. My daughter!! I’ve worked with domestic violence survivors for over 4 years, and my own flesh-and-blood feels this way! Oh how I have failed!

But wait a minute. If my own child (who is very smart, by the way) thinks Janay Rice made a mistake by loving and marrying an abuser, and she has a mother who is adamantly against DV, then what do other people think? What do YOU think?

Did you know that domestic violence is about power and control? It’s a pattern of abusive behavior used by one partner against another. And it comes in all forms: physical, sexual, emotional, economic, and psychological. So now think back to the awful elevator video we saw of Ray Rice striking Janay. We saw the horrible physical violence. But what was happening that we did not see?

Abusers use certain behaviors to influence another person: intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation. They isolate their victim, frighten, terrorize, blame, hurt, injure, coerce and threaten. So now think back to the awful elevator video again. What we see is that words were being spoken, an argument was going on. Ray Rice spit on Janay twice (which in and of itself is a highly offensive, degrading act), then he struck her. Hard. We don’t know what she said to him, but he didn’t like it. He didn’t have control of what was coming out of her mouth, so he struck her in an attempt to gain control. And it worked. She lay unconscious and boy did he show her.

Right?

And what he showed her is that he is the one in control. Now we see them married and she is standing by his side in the aftermath of his suspension from the NFL. We’ve seen the Instagram message she wrote, stating that she and Ray will “continue to grow and show the world what real love is.”

Breaks. My. Heart.

Here is my message to Janay Rice: Real love doesn’t punch you in the face. Real love doesn’t spit on you. Real love doesn’t drag your unconscious body out of an elevator and just step around it. That isn’t real love. Maybe you have no one to help you leave. Maybe you are afraid of being alone. Maybe you think you can change him. And I’m sure he promised to never do it again. And maybe, just maybe you are scared he will hurt you again. Not to mention that all eyes are on you now, so if you do leave, what will THEY say?

What can WE do to stop the violence? What can YOU do to stop the violence? The mission of Hope House is to save the lives of those affected by domestic violence. Today we offer not just shelter, but we work at prevention, education and we are here to support. Always. YOU can help us. You can speak out against domestic violence. This is a community-wide problem, affecting all income and social statuses. And children who witness domestic violence suffer greatly.  

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to continue working every single day to put an end to domestic violence. Tonight however, my first priority when I get home will be to sit down with my daughter and explain to her that Janay Rice is a woman in love with a man who hurt her. That doesn’t make her a bad person. And it doesn’t make her a stupid person. We don’t know all the reasons Janay Rice stayed, and we don’t have to. But we do need to give her love and support, and be here waiting to help when she’s ready for it.

Stefanie Shanks

Special Events & PR Manager - Hope House

Response to Governor LePage's Letter Regarding Ray Rice

I would like to applaud Maine’s Governor, Paul LePage for his stance on domestic violence. Governor LePage sent a letter to NFL Commission Roger Goodell telling him the punishment given to the Baltimore Ravens running back sends the message that it's OK "for professional athletes to beat women, just for the sake of ratings."

He goes on to say that "Taking thugs and wife-beaters off the field may be bad for business, but you are playing games with people's lives," said LePage, who was beaten by his father when he was young and has made domestic abuse prevention and awareness a priority of his administration.

I was extremely disappointed when I heard of the punishment given to Ray Rice for knocking his then fiancé unconscious in an elevator.  I only know what I have read in the papers but what I read is text book domestic violence and I know that the only way we will ever stop domestic violence is to hold the perpetrators accountable. Domestic violence is about power and control and in this situation it feels very much like Ray Rice continues to have power and be in control and his work place is enabling it to continue. The justice system response in my opinion was light and more of a slap on the wrist, not what you would expect for someone who beat someone so brutally. It was so difficult to watch the video—I wasn’t able to watch it all the way through.

 I have to wonder what would have happened if it would have been a stranger or perhaps another team member he knocked unconscious. Would the punishment have been the same? I think not. From my experience it would have been severe but when we are talking about a spouse or intimate partner, for some reason, in our society the guidelines change and it isn’t as much of a problem or, worse yet, it is her fault. I have said this numerous times when it comes to domestic violence, we as a society are so quick to blame the victim rather than hold the perpetrator accountable. I find this appalling.

I would hope that we could come to a place where we say no matter who you are, no matter what your position, no matter how much money you make it, doesn’t matter. If you are a perpetrator of domestic violence you should be held accountable for your crime. Remember, domestic violence is a crime, it isn’t a family issue, and it isn’t the victim’s fault. Responsibility lies with the one committing the crime.

I ask that we all work together to end this vicious crime and keep people safe. Hold perpetrators accountable through the justice system and in our policies in the work place.

Domestic violence is not ok, period.

Read more here.