Each time I hear about the way
society views domestic violence it get’s my blood pressure up. Here in the west
we do a lot of finger-wagging at cultures where women are not treated with the
respect we think they should be afforded. I’m calling us (the western world)
out on that.
Is it worse that girls in Africa are kidnapped for
going to school? Yes. Is it worse that, in less-evolved parts of the Islamic world, girls are beaten or
killed for going to school or learning to read? Yes. Is it worse that in many
cultures, where arranged marriages exist and someone marries for love, ignoring
the families’ social contracts, the woman is then killed to protect the family
honor? Yes. Is it worse in places where girls are sold into sexual slavery? Yes
(though it happens here too). Is it worse in south Asia and the middle-east
that a woman can legally be punished for the “crime” of being raped.
Absolutely.
However, as bad those places may be--and the
treatment of women is abhorrent in those places in my opinion--we have a
long, long way to go here as well.
Take the recent murder of a five year old girl in
Leavenworth, KS last week. I’ve been following domestic violence (DV) related
stories for years now, due to my wife’s job at Hope House. I can spot them in
the news with a high degree of accuracy. You can too. When the report came out
that a man had allegedly kidnapped a child and was led on a chase and he then
allegedly killed the child when police had cornered him. I knew the story. It’s
not unusual in cases of DV, especially if the woman is in the process of
leaving, for the abuser to take her or even her kids out. That’s the most
lethal time, when he thinks she is going to leave. It’s about control. Killing
the mother’s kids is the ultimate abuse to a mother. Killing the mother herself
is the ultimate control.
Women rarely get murdered. When they do, a vast
majority of the time, DV is a factor. Then the victim blaming begins. This is
the part that bothers me the most. I try to not read the reader comments on
news stories because of the depressing ignorance and vengeance-airing that
occurs in such forums. However, as I read that story’s comments I was not
surprised by the comments of “why didn’t she leave him?” and, “they should
charge her (the mother) too (in the death of the little girl).” In DV nobody
every asks, “Why didn’t he stop abusing her?”
In DV situations where a man is abusing a woman,
statistically she will leave seven times before actually leaving for good. Like I said,
the time when she is leaving is highly dangerous. It’s a time of high
lethality. If she has kids, whether they are his or not, she may come back or
delay leaving for good because she may figure if she has to take a beating so
her kids have a place to live, so be it. That’s sad but kind of admirable in a
way. But one must remember that DV is learned behavior. Both parties likely
witnessed it growing up. If you see that as part of life, you accept it, right
or wrong.
Many people hide behind traditional social norms of
the man being in charge. Many hide behind religious beliefs for women being
subservient to men. But, when you strip it all away, are those views any less
wrong than honor killings (which are backed up for the same reasons)?
Recently the NFL gave Baltimore Ravens running back
Ray Rice a slap on the wrist for knocking his the fiancée unconscious at an
Atlantic City casino. He got a two game suspension. Two games. Had he been
busted for steroids he’d have gotten twice that. What does that teach little
boys about consequences? What does that teach little girls about their value?
She didn’t press charges. Why didn’t she press charges? Remember this is
learned behavior. This is part of life for her. Sadly I predict she will be hit
again. Will she live in luxury? Yes, not that that matters in the long run.
Most women who are survivors of DV do not live that lifestyle.
They live in your neighborhood. They work with you.
They go to church with you. They’re in some part of your family. About 50
percent of the human population of planet Earth is carrying XX chromosomes
(that means they’re women FYI). One in four of those women will experience some
type of DV (emotional, or physical) in her lifetime. Those are your daughters,
friends, nieces (my wife and I have five nieces), granddaughters...DV crosses
all socio-economic and racial lines. Let us not throw away half of the
population.
Breaking the cycle of DV is the most important part
of fixing the problem. Boys who witness abuse are more than twice as likely to
be abusers. Yet programs, which try to intervene and mitigate the damage done
to these young witnesses, are poorly funded and not far-reaching enough. At
times it’s like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with rocks.
Shelters are the last resort for victims of DV. Survivors
go there after they’ve exhausted all other options, like family and friends. In
the KC metro, organizations like Hope House, Rosebrooks, Safehome, etc., also
serve as court advocates, and have legal outreach programs too. They help get
women out of dangerous situations. It would be awesome if places like those
didn’t have to exist. But they do. No court advocate or anyone on their legal
team has a day without multiple cases. Not one bed goes unused in the shelter.
Ever.
Supporting entities which try to stop or prevent
domestic violence is not sexy. The DV shelter in your community is not fancy.
It needs money to keep its doors open. Not your cast-off out of date clothes
and broken TVs. The well-heeled in your city don’t get giddy over having their
name on the building which protects abused humans. The DV shelter in your
community is not a warm and fuzzy charity. Domestic violence is a scary,
disturbing and sometimes confusing topic. It is real life and death. I
sometimes wonder if Sarah McLachlan (who I love) did PSAs which showed women
(and men) with broken wrists, bruised faces, and cigarette burned skin if it
would help. Probably not. The ignorant would blame the victim again. It takes
time to break out of DV relationships. Sometimes people need a little help.
Stop blaming the victims and let them become survivors.
Parents it’s up to you. Your kids are little
sponges. Teach them respect. Teach them to communicate. Teach them boundaries.
Teach them right and wrong. Give your kids good examples. It’s on you. In the
words of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, “…teach your children well.”
Chad Leabo
