Valentine's Day

Next week many people will hear from their significant other how much they are loved and how much they are appreciated. This will be shown with flowers, candy and perhaps a romantic dinner out. Of course, I am talking about celebrating Valentine's Day.

This is a wonderful holiday to celebrate with your loved one and to show them how much you care. However, this can be an extremely difficult holiday for those who have been experiencing domestic violence. The presence of flowers can have a different meaning if the only time you ever receive flowers is after a beating. What if the person who professes to love you also beats you? Calls you horrible names? Forces you to do things you don’t want to do?

 For those who are in our shelter and outreach services, we work to make this day special by celebrating our uniqueness and our special value as individuals. We work with clients to accept who they are and to work through where they have been. We help them dig down deep inside and find that person who is special and worthy of love - especially their own self-love.

When you have been a victim of abuse you can lose your love for yourself. You learn to believe the things that were said about you - that you are unlovable and unworthy of anyone’s love, not even your own. For if you were worth something and lovable, then your partner would not have had to beat you, right? (Of course not! The responsibility of the abuse lies with the abuser, not the victim.)

I ask that as you celebrate Valentine's Day next week, you pause and remember the women and children who are in shelter and services at Hope House. They are working hard to recover from their experiences of abuse, hoping to find themselves and to love themselves again.

Knowing that someone reclaimed themselves and found their voice to profess their self worth and their worthiness of love is the best Valentine's Day present I can receive.

(Note: If you'd like to be a part of a Valentine's Day present we're working on for the women in our shelter, please visit our website www.hopehouse.net.)

 

Why Do They Stay?

Our guest blogger this week is Kerry Oliver, Hope House Board Member.

It’s the BIG DAY in your life and you are marrying the man of your dreams! Your family is all there, you’ve spent more money on the wedding and reception than you planned, but it’s all going to be worth it. You have a few things that are in the back of your mind that are not quite what you expected from the man of your dreams, but you are thinking that will change after you are married.

As the months and years go by, the control of what you are allowed to wear, where you are allowed to go, who you are allowed to talk to, when you can see your family… first it felt like he really cared and really loved you.  But as the look in his eyes became more foreboding and his grip on your arm started to leave bruises, you are thinking this is not quite what you expected from the man of your dreams.

After he hits you for the first time, his tears come, he apologizes, says he didn’t know what came over him and his kindness makes your life together feel better than ever. You feel you have turned the corner into the arms of the man of your dreams.

He hits you again. This time there’s no tears and no apology. He says it’s your fault. Hmmmm? Did you do something different? Is there some rule or boundary you have violated? You know marriage is about give and take, and sharing responsibilities….ok, maybe it was my fault. You say you are sorry, but you are thinking this is not quite what you expected from the man of your dreams.

The fear that keeps you awake at night, praying that you have done nothing wrong that will set him off, is with you constantly. Your job is at risk, you have no friends left to talk with about what you are going through, and your family knows something is wrong but not quite sure what it is because you are distant and embarrassed. You told everyone that this is the man of your dreams.

When you finally realize that the life you are living is not a life at all and that the hitting and abuse is not your fault, you make plans to leave. They are very secret plans, because if he finds out, you may never leave… alive. You stash cash, stash clothes, set up a separate mailing address, and find a new job so he cannot harass you at your employer. You don’t tell your family for fear they won’t understand. You will be alone. You will no longer be with the man of your dreams.

After reading this story or any other similar story, or upon hearing an abuse victim recant her story, you may be asking yourself “why did she stay?” Well, did you stay or leave after your first fight with your spouse? Did your spouse ever throw anything at you? Did your marriage ever go through a tough time when you could have left, but chose to stay and see it through?

It’s hard to admit you made a poor choice in the first place and all the harder to admit you made repeated poor choices, as I did, just to save a marriage. That was a long time ago. My long relationship with Hope House is not as a victim, but as a contributor and Board Member. My plight is to ensure that my children, friends and all the people I can touch understand domestic violence and the small ways it can start and escalate. No one should be a victim, especially to someone they believe they love.

Why Doesn't She Leave, Part II

Last week, we were discussing the question that I’m asked daily, “Why doesn’t she leave?”

You learned that the three reasons a woman stays in an abusive relationship are fear, stalking and economics. If you missed that blog entry, look for “Blog Archive” on the right side of the page and click on “Why Doesn’t She Leave, Part I” to get more background information on this topic.

This week we’ll discuss three more reasons a woman will stay in a dangerous relationship.

Reason #4 - Children

Children can often be the trigger that enables a woman to leave the relationship, but they can also be the reason they stay. Women will stay to protect their children.

Abusers will threaten to take the children from them through the court systems with threats such as, “I will call the state and report you as a neglectful mother” or “I will tell them you use drugs.” Or they may threaten to kidnap the children and never let her see them again.

The women know that the threats are real. When faced with the possibility of never seeing your children again, the answer is simple: you stay.

Reason #5 - Emotions

Women stay because of feelings of guilt, shame and a host of other emotions. They may feel guilty that something bad could happen to him because he has been arrested, or he might lose his job or his status in the community. She may feel the abuse is her fault, and thinks if she would have done something differently, he wouldn’t have lost control.

It is very common for an abuser to threaten suicide when they feel that their partner is thinking of leaving, as a way to keep them in the relationship and in their control.

Reason #6 – Love

The reason that seems to be the most difficult for people to grasp is that the women are in love with their partner. Being in love with their partner doesn’t mean they are in love with the abuse. Battered women do not thrive on being hurt.


Abusive relationships can have periods where there is no abuse, also known as the “Honeymoon Period”. This is the time when the woman can see the person that she fell in love with; the one that doesn’t hurt her with his words and actions, but shows her kindness, sorrow and regret for previous actions.

She desperately wants to believe that this change is for real and will last. She wants it to be the relationship that she had always hoped it would be. So she stays to give it another chance, to believe that her dreams can come true.

So why don’t women leave? My answer is this: they do. If they haven’t left yet, then there are reasons that are valid and need to be supported and understood.

My challenge to you is this: rather than asking “why doesn’t she leave?” ask yourself, “what can I do to support her so that she can leave safely? What can I do to make sure that he is held accountable for his actions so she is not put in the position of having to make that decision in the first place?”

Thank you for reading my blog and for your comments and questions. I look forward to our continued dialogue.