Surviving Abuse

I am thrilled to read positive stories and to quiet the deafening noise of the violence that seems to be around us at all times. I love hearing how people have survived violence and have embraced life and are moving on.

That seems to be exactly what Michelle Knight who was held captive for 11 years in Ohio by Ariel Castro had done. She is now free and moving on with her life. She has changed her name and now goes by Lilly and recognizes the trauma she endured for such a long time impacted her, but it doesn’t define who she is now. I love her spirit and her strength. She is a true hero in my book. She has not only survived but she is thriving. I am happy for her. I hope that others who have been through horror can find strength in her and hope for their own recovery.

Recovery is possible. It can be a long and arduous journey, but there is hope for those who have been traumatized by violence. I am excited for Lilly and her future and for all of those that we work with everyday who have lived through horrific abuse and survive and then thrive. 

Katie Piper Update

2008 and 2011 photos of Katie (from dailymail.co.uk)

One of my very early blogs was about Katie Piper, the young woman who in March 2008 was held captive for 8 hours, and suffered a brutal attack and rape by her boyfriend. As if that wasn’t enough, he then arranged for an accomplice to attack Katie by throwing acid on her face.

I wondered how this amazing woman was doing more than three years later. I wasn’t surprised to learn that she has done amazingly well. For someone who at one point begged her parents to kill her, she has come a long way.

She has been an inspiration to other burn survivors by setting up her own foundation, The Katie Piper Foundation: www.katiepiperfoundation.org.uk  dedicated to helping and supporting other burn survivors. She has recently released an autobiography called Beautiful.

She has her own TV special called My Beautiful Friends where she interviews other burn survivors about their experiences. Katie has won several awards:

• She was named winner of the 'Courage Award' at the Pride of Andover Awards in October 2010; then, on October 6 she was announced as winner of the publicly voted 'Most Inspirational' prize at the Inspiration Awards for Women.
• Katie won the "Women to Watch: Inspiration" award at Red magazine's "Red's Hot Women Awards" in 2010.
• In February 2011, Katie: My Beautiful Face won the "Best Documentary Programme" award at the Broadcast Awards; Piper attended to collect the prize alongside the film-makers.
• Piper was awarded the Sainsbury's Women of the Year "You Can" Award at the Women of the Year Awards 2011, held in October 2011.

What an amazing woman, to have survived and triumphed. She is courageous and has turned her life into a crusade to help others, while still healing from the abuse she endured through the rape, beating, and the acid attack.

She is truly an inspiration to others and shows that you can move from victim to survivor. I wish her the absolute best and hope she continues to heal and thrive. 

Are Clients Abusing the System?

This week’s blog is about another common myth I hear when I talk to people about the services at Hope House.  I often get asked if the people in shelter are really in need, or are they taking advantage of the system? This conversation is often in reference to those who are receiving state assistance and food stamps.

I find myself taken aback when asked this, even though I’ve heard it many times. My first response is always to invite that person to shelter so they can see firsthand what we do, and to see that shelter life is not easy, glamorous, or desirable. The women who come to shelter have no other resources available to them.  They are truly at the end of their road, and not sure what the next day is going to bring.

I’m amazed at how resourceful and adaptable people can be when faced with dire circumstances. I often wonder how I would respond if I were in a similar situation.  I am not sure I would have the strength to survive the challenges these women do every day.

I’m so proud and honored to be able to work with survivors of domestic violence. I love witnessing the transformation that can take place when someone is given the opportunity to rest, and collect their thoughts.

I admire the resourcefulness and the ingenuity I have seen as clients work through their issues and solve their problems. With time, support, encouragement and a helping hand, it’s amazing what transformations can take place. Once on their feet again, they are able to thrive on their own.

I’m glad we’re here to help them through their darkest hours and their most vulnerable times. Then we have the opportunity to witness their growth and the beginning of their new life.

Do You Know a DV Victim?

Are your sister and niece
victims?

Can you tell by looking at someone that they are or have been a victim of domestic violence? Absolutely not. Just as you can’t look at someone and know where they are from, or what they do for a living.

Survivors of domestic violence often survive alone and in the privacy of their own homes. It can be so difficult to share their pain and the difficult reality of their family life with others.

Those who have been victimized often feel a sense of shame and embarrassment. To me, the last person who should feel embarrassed is the victim. The one perpetrating the abuse is the one who should be riddled with guilt and shame, but too often that is not the case.

Is your co-worker being
abused?

So, how do we know who is being victimized? It’s not that we want to know out of some perverse sense of wanting all the gory details, but from the place of how can I help? What can I do to make their situation better? How do I intervene? What can I say to them? 

These are all questions I hope that everyone is asking themselves about their loved ones and friends. I encourage you to:

1. Visit our website and learn more about the services Hope House offers so you can share this information. 
2. Visit loveisnotabuse.com, sponsored by the Liz Claiborne Company. It has all kinds of educational information including warning signs to look for.
3. Call our hotline at 816-461-HOPE (4673) any time day or night. Our advocates can give you advice on how to talk to and help someone you suspect is being abused.
4. Better yet, encourage the victim/survivor to call us. We won’t try to make them do anything they don’t want to do. We won’t call the police or insist that they come in to shelter. We’re here to help, even if that’s only lending a compassionate ear.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

This month is an opportunity for programs that work with the issue of domestic violence to celebrate those who have survived, mourn those who have died, and increase the awareness of the issue.

It continues to amaze and sadden me that there are people in Eastern Jackson County who have not heard about Hope House and are not aware that the largest provider of domestic violence services in the state of Missouri is located within their community.

We still have a lot of work to do to make sure that everyone who is in need knows we’re here for them. This month is an opportunity for us to spread the word about what we’re doing and engage people in helping to stop the violence.

We’ll spend time at community events and health fairs, and with service organizations and businesses who give us the opportunity to talk about domestic violence and what we are doing to break the cycle.

If you have an opportunity to wear purple during the month of October to show your support of those who have been impacted by domestic violence, please do so. If you would like someone to speak to your group about domestic violence, let us know and we’ll be happy to be there.

As we raise awareness this month, we look forward to the day that we no longer lose a life due to domestic violence.

Survivor Treatment Group

Hope House offers a 12 week Survivor Treatment Group to battered women who are out of their abusive relationships for at least three months and attempting to put their lives back together. 

Abusers’ tactics of verbal and emotional abuse reinforce a negative perception of self. The victim begins to see herself as her abuser defines her. She loses her self-identity. The focus of the Survivor Treatment Group is the recovery of a sense of self. We help the client to define her own beliefs, validate her own feelings and develop a healthy regard for her self worth. This allows the client to transform herself from victim to survivor to thriver.

There are five topics addressed with two weeks devoted to each topic. Participants explore issues in their own lives relating to the topic discussed.

Week 1: “I’m Okay, You’re Okay.” A look at power and control in abusive relationships.  Why does it happen? How does it happen?

Week 3: “How Did this Happen to Me?” A look at our own personalities. Where did we get our life ‘tapes’? How did my ‘tapes’ allow me to remain in an abusive relationship?

Week 5: “Whose Fence is this Anyway?”  Establishing healthy boundaries. A look at what boundaries really are and what role they play in establishing and maintaining healthy relationships.

Week 7: “The Secret to it All – Loving Myself.” A look at self-esteem. How do I get there? Tools to help me stop beating myself up.

Week 9: “Letting the World Know I Love Myself.” A look at assertiveness and tools for healthy communication.

Week 11: “Putting it all Together – Letting it all Go.” Putting all the previous information together to let go of the past and start over with power in the present moment.

To get more information about joining this group, call our hotline at 816-461-HOPE (4673).

Advocacy Days in Washington D.C.

I recently had the privilege to participate in the annual Advocacy Days sponsored by the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) in Washington, D.C.

NNEDV organizes this annual event to educate advocates on new legislation and the needs across the country. We then carry a common message to Capitol Hill when we meet with our elected officials.

Our message was simple: programs are in dire need. More money is needed to meet the ever increasing needs of those impacted by domestic violence. People are being hurt and killed every day and we must do something to help those programs that are working with the survivors.

In Missouri, more women were turned away than were served last year. For every two women served, three were turned away. The demand for services is increasing and the resources to serve them are decreasing. We shared many stories and the frustration of not being able to do more to help those in need.

There was much discussion about how we can increase the money in such a very tight economy, when so many are suffering. This fact is clearly understood by those of us working with survivors. Thanks to NNEDV’s work, we were able to clearly talk about strategies and ways that this can be done.

I left D.C. with appreciation for the hard decisions that our elected officials have to make every day in prioritizing needs. I hope that we will be able to have the necessary resources to do our work and to help the thousands of people that are impacted by domestic violence every year.

Coming to Shelter

Coming to shelter can be one of the most intimidating steps a survivor takes on her road to escape abuse. Leaving behind all that she knows and all that she has can be scary.

The first couple of days in shelter will be spent adjusting to the new routines and getting oriented. Kids will need to be enrolled in school, if the decision is made to change schools. If she decides to keep the kids in their home school, that school is contacted to arrange transportation for the child.

Our goal is to make the shelter environment as home-like as possible. We want to make sure she and her children have stability, and feel safe and secure. We provide everything that they need: toilet paper, paper towels, tooth paste, shampoo and other personal care items, clothing, and meals. Residents don’t have to worry about spending money on these things because we are able to get most of the items donated by our caring community.

Each woman in shelter is assigned an Advocate. The advocates work with her to identify her strengths, areas of need, her goals, and obstacles to accomplishing her goals. To help her on that path, we offer individual and group counseling (for both women and children), parenting support and substance abuse counseling.

We do not have a set length of stay for shelter. We feel strongly that everyone’s needs are different. It’s difficult to say that in 60 days a woman will have her needs addressed and now it’s time for her to leave shelter.

We do not tell women what to do or what to think, but help them to determine what they want for themselves as they begin their journey toward a life free of abuse.