Judge Beats Daughter With a Belt

I was horrified at the video released by Hillary Adams that showed her father, Judge William Adams, beating her with a belt and cursing at her extensively. WARNING: this video is extremely graphic and very difficult to watch.

Her mother, Hallie, is also seen hitting Hillary with a belt and yelling at her. Many of the videos’ commenters ask what would possess a mother to allow this to happen, and worse, participate in the cruelty?

Hallie reports that she was also a victim of domestic violence, was brainwashed and had to do everything her husband said.  Is it possible that Hallie participated to the extent that she did to try to keep her daughter safe?

My first thought when I saw Hallie in the video was that she is a battered woman and is doing this to protect her child. If she can make her husband think she agrees with him, then she might be able to calm him down. If she participates and hits Hillary with the belt herself, then maybe he will stop. Pure speculation on my part, but something I’d like you to consider.

Many say if abuse is going on in the home, the mother should leave.  In this situation, Judge Adams is a Family Court Judge; he makes decisions every day on who gets to keep their kids and who doesn’t! It’s quite possible Hallie felt that if she left her husband, she would lose custody of Hillary. What are the chances Hallie would have retained custody? 

Wasn’t Hillary better off with Hallie in the home acting as a mediator and working to protect Hillary from her father? What if Hallie did leave and lost custody? Hillary would have been in the home alone with her father, with no mother to help protect her. As counter intuitive as it sounds, sometimes staying is the safer option.  

I am not suggesting that exposing children to child abuse is a good thing.  I am only pointing out how difficult the choices are that a mother often has to make. Most of the mothers I have worked with care more about their children than themselves.
I am not defending Hallie’s actions; I’m just trying to make everyone look at the situation from another point of view. Let’s remember that the monster in this story is Judge Adams, not his battered wife.  

The $10,000,000 Wedding That Lasted 72 Days



Photo by wakeywakeynews.com

I must admit that I do watch some reality TV but I have not been a follower of the Kardashian Family… that is until recently.

It’s hard not to know what is going on with this family since the big wedding and now the big divorce.  The family is everywhere. I‘m perplexed by the interest in them and their never-ending adventures.

But now, I’m so angry that I have found myself watching and listening when the media reports the Kardashian’s newest drama. I don’t know why I do this since it raises my blood pressure and causes me to use words that are highly inappropriate!

Why am I angry?

Because these people waste money just because they can. I am sickened by the fact that 10 MILLION DOLLARS was spent on one wedding. REALLY?! What does someone need to have at a wedding that costs $10,000,000?

I understand that people have different standards than I do, but again I say: REALLY?! You must spend that type of money?

Since the big wedding I have been spouting off to anyone around me who will listen about this outrageous spending. And now that the marriage lasted a whopping 72 days, I am even more livid!

What does their spending have to do with me?
Do you know what $10,000,000 could do for non-profit organizations? I cringe when I think about how many lives could have been saved if that money had been donated to the domestic violence programs across this country.  Hope House alone serves over 10,000 people every year through our programming. How many more could we serve and assist with $10,000,000, or even $1,000,000? 

Lives are at stake every day in the work we do. We scramble for every penny we get, and yet the Kardashian’s reality is so different from ours that they can throw away millions of dollars for a party. That is just plain wrong and it is shameful.

I am so grateful for all of the supporters that we have. Sometimes they don’t have much themselves, yet they consider others and their needs. They are helping us to break the cycle of violence every day.

I can only hope that someday Kim Kardashian and others who have so much will look at the resources available to them and say, “You know what? I have enough. Instead of throwing this money down the drain, I am going to donate it to a worthwhile charity.” 

Until then, I am afraid those around me will continue to hear me rant.

Do You Know a DV Victim?

Are your sister and niece
victims?

Can you tell by looking at someone that they are or have been a victim of domestic violence? Absolutely not. Just as you can’t look at someone and know where they are from, or what they do for a living.

Survivors of domestic violence often survive alone and in the privacy of their own homes. It can be so difficult to share their pain and the difficult reality of their family life with others.

Those who have been victimized often feel a sense of shame and embarrassment. To me, the last person who should feel embarrassed is the victim. The one perpetrating the abuse is the one who should be riddled with guilt and shame, but too often that is not the case.

Is your co-worker being
abused?

So, how do we know who is being victimized? It’s not that we want to know out of some perverse sense of wanting all the gory details, but from the place of how can I help? What can I do to make their situation better? How do I intervene? What can I say to them? 

These are all questions I hope that everyone is asking themselves about their loved ones and friends. I encourage you to:

1. Visit our website and learn more about the services Hope House offers so you can share this information. 
2. Visit loveisnotabuse.com, sponsored by the Liz Claiborne Company. It has all kinds of educational information including warning signs to look for.
3. Call our hotline at 816-461-HOPE (4673) any time day or night. Our advocates can give you advice on how to talk to and help someone you suspect is being abused.
4. Better yet, encourage the victim/survivor to call us. We won’t try to make them do anything they don’t want to do. We won’t call the police or insist that they come in to shelter. We’re here to help, even if that’s only lending a compassionate ear.

Chairperson Kerry Oliver (R) with
Nancy Woodworth.

This past Sunday we hosted the 4th annual Howlin’ for Hope, sponsored by Carter Energy. This event was held at the dueling piano bar, Howl at the Moon, which is located in the Power and Light District.

I’d like to offer a special thanks to Kerry Oliver, of Carter Energy, for chairing this exciting event.

The dueling piano players created a fun, music-filled atmosphere and lots of opportunities for patrons to get on stage and join them for laughs, and the chance to win prizes. But most importantly, it helped Hope House raise desperately needed funds.

This event raised about $22,000! The money will be used for capital needs (i.e. home repair type projects) at our Lee’s Summit campus. We have over $300,000 worth of projects that need to be done. 

We have drainage issues that need to be addressed on the grounds. There’s also work to do in shelter. The wear and tear our buildings take is truly amazing. But when you consider that both shelters house over 1,100 people every year, it isn’t surprising that they need major upkeep. 

We plan to replace all of the carpet in the shelter with tile, which is easier to maintain, and creates a healthier, cleaner environment for our residents. With so many people in and out of the shelter, carpet is difficult to maintain.  

We will work with other sources to raise the remaining funds needed for all of our capital projects. We’re fortunate that we’ve already received funding for some of the projects through the Goppert Foundation. To close the gap, we have requests out to other funders, as well.

In addition to funding, we’re always looking for groups to help us with the labor for our capital projects. For example, a group of Home Depot employees are currently priming and painting all the exterior trim for the entire Lee’s Summit campus. Other groups have done interior painting, tiling, and landscaping.

Do you belong to group that would like to get involved in a project? Please contact our Volunteer Manager, Gretchen, to discuss the possibilities: 816-257-9342 or gschmitz@hopehouse.net.

Topeka, KS Repeals Domestic Violence Law

Outrage, disbelief, horror:  these are all the feelings I have had since hearing about the Topeka, Kansas City Council and their decision to repeal their domestic violence law.

You can read more about it here. 

I first saw an email about it and I immediately thought it was a hoax. I contacted a Kansas colleague and asked if this was true. To my absolute horror, it wasn’t a joke.

Anthony S. Bush/AP Photo

How did the city of Topeka come to this? The County District Attorney refused to prosecute misdemeanors due to budget cuts. Last year half of their misdemeanors were domestic violence cases.

Then the City said they couldn’t afford it either. So what was their solution? Repeal the law so domestic violence is no longer a crime in the city of Topeka in a play to force the County to step up.

REALLY?! That’s your solution? For the city and the county to play games with people’s lives is outrageous and unacceptable.

Victims of domestic violence do not matter to them; they are nothing but a cost to the city - one that they don’t want to incur. So the most vulnerable citizens are tossed aside in a political game to see who will give in first.

It makes me both incredibly sad and angry. We have worked so hard to let victims of domestic violence know that they matter; that they are worthy and deserving of a better life. We’ve worked to let them know that they don’t have to live in fear; that just because they are in a relationship with somebody doesn’t mean they can be abused.

The City of Topeka shattered that in one vote. Victim advocates in Topeka must start from scratch. They and the victims they work with are in my thoughts. Hopefully, someday soon the politics will be over and victims of domestic violence in Topeka will have the protection they deserve. But how many lives will be lost while they wait to be thought of as more than a budget line item?
____________________

UPDATE: After the City of Topeka voted to repeal their domestic violence law and a national outcry ensued, the County District Attorney’s office has decided to once handle the prosecution of these cases. However, the domestic violence law is still repealed in the City of Topeka.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

One of these four girls will experience domestic violence in their lives.
Photo by memoossa @ sxc.hu.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Every year in October programs across the country work to bring more awareness to this devastating issue that affects so many people in our country and across the world.

At least 1 in 4 women at some time in their life will be a victim of domestic violence. That means if I stood in a room with my mother, sister, and one co-worker, one of us will have been touched by domestic violence! It’s shocking when you put it in perspective like that.

For so long this issue has stayed behind closed doors. It was never discussed because it was a “family issue”. The more we can do to bring it into the light, the closer we are to ending it. 

Even if you are not in a relationship that is violent, this is an issue that affects us all. Why? Because the cost of domestic violence to the US economy is more than $8.3 billion¹. This cost includes medical care, mental health services, and lost productivity (time away from work and getting less done for not being able to focus on work).

On top of the economic issues, domestic violence is everyone’s issue because we have an obligation to look out for our fellow human beings. It’s not ok that people live in terror every day. It’s not ok that children are afraid of their fathers (or mothers).  It’s not ok that a teenage girl is hounded with hundreds of texts from her boyfriend asking “where are you?” and “who are you with?”  

By bringing attention to the issue, we are also letting people know that help is available. Please visit our website: www.hopehouse.net to see what you can do to get involved. Lives depend on it.

1Max W, Rice DP, Finkelstein E, Bardwell RA, Leadbetter S. The economic toll of intimate partner violence against women in the United States. Violence and Victims 2004;19(3):259-72.)

What Does An Abuser Look Like?

Photo by Ale Paiva @ sxc.hu.

What does an abuser look like? Can you pick out an abuser walking down the street? Do they have outward signs that they are abusive?

If we could tell that someone was abusive by the way they looked, then it would be so easy to stay away from them and never get involved in the first place. Unfortunately, none of the abusers I have come into contact with have ABUSER tattooed on their forehead.

Abusers can be anyone. They are doctors, police officers, judges, politicians, plumbers, teachers, and even ministers.  There is no set of demographics that can be tied to abusers.  They are in all socio-economic classes, races, ages, religions and educational backgrounds.

There is no typical abuser, but they do appear to have some common characteristics such as jealousy, possessiveness, and low self esteem. Their sense of identity is tied to their partner. Abusers are not “out of control lunatics” that you can just pick out in a crowd. They are everyday people that terrorize their loved ones in their own homes. 

Their abuse is controlled and targeted only at the partner and sometimes their children. They are not attacking strangers on the street or getting into brawls with strangers. They are focusing their energy and abuse on their family.

You will recall that domestic violence is about power and control. Abusers want to keep their loved one under their control by whatever means necessary.

There is still research to be done on abusers: what makes some people abusive and others not, especially when they have watched this behavior as children and grown up with it. Why do some go on to abuse and others not?

There are still many questions about the human personality that remain unanswered. I am very interested in learning if abusers have anti-social personality disorder? Are they sociopaths? There is more work to do in this area to learn the answers to those questions.