Thanksgiving

It is Thanksgiving already. It's hard to believe that time has gone by so fast. I know as you get older it goes faster and for me this is so true. I've been making it a practice to acknowledge all of the blessings that I have in my life and to be more aware of all that I have to be thankful for, both big and small. I am truly blessed with family, friends, co-workers and supporters of Hope House. 

My good friend and colleague who runs another domestic violence program just lost her husband after a fierce battle with cancer. My heart hurts for her and her family as they struggle this Thanksgiving with their husband, father and grandfather not being with them. I know her and she will remain grateful for all of the support that she has and for the prayers she has coming her way. She will find a way to be positive and supportive of others even as she walks through her own path of grieving. She is an amazing woman—one I am so proud to know and call my friend. I am thankful for her friendship and the guidance she gave to me as I took on the role of CEO of Hope House. She understands and lives every day the true meaning of Thanksgiving and my prayers will be with her today and throughout this holiday season.

I know many supporters of Hope House are facing challenges this year. I am approaching this Thanksgiving with a heightened sense of gratitude for all that I and Hope House have been given. I will continue to hold those who are struggling in the light and pray for a sense of peace and comfort for them.

I am truly thankful to everyone who helps make Hope House a beacon of hope for thousands of people every year. I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy New Year

The New Year is almost here. This is a great time to celebrate the possibilities and reflect on what was and what is yet to be.

We are excited about the coming year and all that it has to offer all of us. We continue to work hard to create new programming that will meet the needs of our clients and offer the best possible services.

We are grateful to everyone who has been a part of our family and look forward to our continued work together this next year. We have so many wonderful volunteers and supporters who are so giving of their time and resources. It truly does make a difference.

I continue to be in awe of the strength of those we serve. They have strength beyond words. They are not only surviving but they are thriving. I am grateful to them for their courage and look forward to what the New Year has in store for us. I know it will be positive and full of blessings.

I wish you all a Happy New Year!

 

I Love My Job

I love my job. I get to experience something new every day and have the opportunity to enjoy the smiles and the joys of accomplishments and achievements. Those times just make me smile.

The other day I was in our parking lot going to my car to go to a meeting. I was running late and was preoccupied. But I stopped in my tracks and smiled when I saw this young boy bound out of a cab that was returning him from his day at school.


His younger sister was waiting for him. She squealed with delight when she saw him, started jumping up and down and said, “I am so glad to see you! How was your day?!”

His mother was standing there as well, and met him with a big hug and a smile. They were so excited to see each other, that they didn’t notice me there. That was a good thing, since I got teary-eyed and emotional.

I am so happy that we are able to provide a safe place for families to be where they can focus on healing and enjoying the simple pleasures in life. Young ones can go about the business of learning; coming home from school is a time to celebrate. Families are able to focus on rebuilding their lives and moving on from the trauma they have experienced.

We would not be able to provide the opportunity for this growth to take place without the support of our community. Thank you to each of you who have helped us grow and thrive. To all of you who provide your time, your talents, and your resources, we are grateful.

The result of your contributions is evident everyday in the lives of the people we work with.

Everyone Needs a Support System

Everyone needs a support system,
whether it's family or friends.

I recently had surgery to have my gall bladder removed. This was my first experience having any type of surgery and being in a hospital other than when I had my daughter years ago. It was very different being on the patient side, receiving all of the concern and support from family and friends. 

While I was in the hospital, I was never alone. I had my husband and daughter right there checking on me, making sure I didn’t lift anything or do too much. My parents arrived soon after I got home from the hospital and they never left my side. 

All of them were always available to help with whatever needed to be done. I didn’t have to worry about anything other than myself, and resting. 

This experience really made me realize how fortunate I am that I have such a loving and available support system. I am very aware that not everyone has such a support system, and they have to go through many challenges alone, without anyone to share their feelings, triumphs and trials.

I have thought about our clients and how so many of them handle experiences so much more severe than mine without that loving support system. How do they do it? How do they cope with such challenges without anyone helping them through the process?

I have always thought that our clients are the strongest people I have ever met, and my recent experience has affirmed that for me. 

For some people, Hope House may be the only support system that they have.  They look to us for the support and encouragement that others receive from family members and friends. I am so glad that we are there for those who do not have anyone else. 

I cannot imagine going through life without the love and support of my family.  Thankfully, I have that, and knowing that gives me the drive to continue this work so that Hope House is there when needed. No one should have to face life’s challenges alone.

Workplace Violence

I receive regular email updates from the Family Violence Prevention Fund (www.endabuse.org) which is a great resource for people who are interested in ending the cycle of domestic violence.

One of the recent updates I received talked about the new initiative launched by President Obama and Vice President Biden called Workplaces Respond to Domestic and Sexual Violence: A National Resource Center.

This center is a new resource that will assist employers in their quest to ensure the safety of their employees. The center was formed by a partnership of seven national organizations led by the Family Violence Prevention Fund (FVPF), and funded by the Justice Department’s Office on Violence Against Women (OVW).

The center has a website for employers to get current information, resources and tools to assist in creating policies that will protect their employees. Often employers seek assistance after an employee has been murdered, as they are trying to determine what went wrong and what they might have been able to do to prevent the murder. This new resource is a valuable tool to employers, and hopefully will help to prevent future domestic violence attacks/murders.

If you are an employer, I encourage you to visit the website of the Center (www.workplacesrespond.org) where you can take a quiz to find out how much you know about violence and its effects on the workplace. Then read more about domestic violence and find out about the resources that are available that will help you maintain a safe environment for everyone.

I believe this new tool is one more step in the direction of ending the cycle of domestic violence and giving everyone the opportunity to live a life free of violence. It takes many concerned individuals to truly make an impact and this new resource provides valuable tools for people to get involved and to make a difference.

I appreciate the hard work the Family Violence Prevention Fund and the other organizations put into this initiative and know we will have positive outcomes because of it. 

The Guardian Program

In domestic violence situations, visitation and exchange of children is a very dangerous time. Knowing that the custodial parent is obligated to honor the court order allowing visitation, the abuser often uses the opportunity to continue to stalk, abuse and to terrorize the victim/custodial parent.

Knowing this, Hope House started the Guardian Program in November of 2002. Our program is designed so that visits and exchanges are safe for everyone. The custodial and the non-custodial parents arrive separately, park in separate parking lots, and leave at different times so that there can be no opportunity for abuse or stalking to occur.

The program consists of a Program Coordinator, therapists, and an off-duty police officer who is there to ensure everyone’s safety.

The program has three components:

1) The exchange of children when there is no court order for supervised visits. This most often occurs Wednesday evenings, and/or Friday evenings for weekend visits with the kids returning on Sunday. In exchanges the children are taken from the custodial parent to the non-custodial parent by the staff person; the parents never interact.

2) When the court has ordered the visits to be supervised, the program is able to offer two levels of supervised visits.

     a. The first is less intensive and can be offered in a group setting with other families.

     b. In more severe situations, a judge may order that the non-custodial parent can’t be around any other children. In those situations, the visit would be limited to just the one family.

The Guardian Program has offered safety, support and hope to hundreds of children as they visit with their non-custodial parent. It gives them the opportunity to begin the healing process, and if they desire, to rebuild a relationship with the offending parent; the choice is theirs.

A Successful Hope & All That Jazz

Hope and All That Jazz took place on Saturday night at the Muehlebach Hotel. It was a huge achievement, bringing in around $327,000 that will help fund vital programs that help women and children affected by domestic violence.

It was a wonderful evening with people filling the hallways and the ballroom to support Hope House. The silent and live auctions were fantastic. We had a committee that worked extremely hard on securing new and interesting items that were a hit with our guests.

We were fortunate to have Mary Hunter share her story of the road to recovery that took place in her family after her daughter was a victim of domestic violence. She shared how difficult it was to believe that it could happen to her family - a family that was full of love and self esteem and “ordinary” in so many ways - not one that could be impacted by domestic violence.

What she learned through her process is that domestic violence can happen to anyone, including her daughter. How wonderful to hear such an uplifting story and know that Hope House services made a difference in the lives of Mary’s family.

I am grateful for all of the hard work of our co-chairs, Bill and Liz Downey, and Chuck and Susie Caisley. They worked so hard to secure sponsors and to introduce Hope House to new people who have become our friends. We couldn’t have done it without them or our Board of Directors.

My thanks to everyone who had a hand in making this event such a huge success.

Please mark your calendars for next year, August 20th, for another wonderful Hope and All That Jazz. We would love to see you there.

Why Do They Stay?

Our guest blogger this week is Kerry Oliver, Hope House Board Member.

It’s the BIG DAY in your life and you are marrying the man of your dreams! Your family is all there, you’ve spent more money on the wedding and reception than you planned, but it’s all going to be worth it. You have a few things that are in the back of your mind that are not quite what you expected from the man of your dreams, but you are thinking that will change after you are married.

As the months and years go by, the control of what you are allowed to wear, where you are allowed to go, who you are allowed to talk to, when you can see your family… first it felt like he really cared and really loved you.  But as the look in his eyes became more foreboding and his grip on your arm started to leave bruises, you are thinking this is not quite what you expected from the man of your dreams.

After he hits you for the first time, his tears come, he apologizes, says he didn’t know what came over him and his kindness makes your life together feel better than ever. You feel you have turned the corner into the arms of the man of your dreams.

He hits you again. This time there’s no tears and no apology. He says it’s your fault. Hmmmm? Did you do something different? Is there some rule or boundary you have violated? You know marriage is about give and take, and sharing responsibilities….ok, maybe it was my fault. You say you are sorry, but you are thinking this is not quite what you expected from the man of your dreams.

The fear that keeps you awake at night, praying that you have done nothing wrong that will set him off, is with you constantly. Your job is at risk, you have no friends left to talk with about what you are going through, and your family knows something is wrong but not quite sure what it is because you are distant and embarrassed. You told everyone that this is the man of your dreams.

When you finally realize that the life you are living is not a life at all and that the hitting and abuse is not your fault, you make plans to leave. They are very secret plans, because if he finds out, you may never leave… alive. You stash cash, stash clothes, set up a separate mailing address, and find a new job so he cannot harass you at your employer. You don’t tell your family for fear they won’t understand. You will be alone. You will no longer be with the man of your dreams.

After reading this story or any other similar story, or upon hearing an abuse victim recant her story, you may be asking yourself “why did she stay?” Well, did you stay or leave after your first fight with your spouse? Did your spouse ever throw anything at you? Did your marriage ever go through a tough time when you could have left, but chose to stay and see it through?

It’s hard to admit you made a poor choice in the first place and all the harder to admit you made repeated poor choices, as I did, just to save a marriage. That was a long time ago. My long relationship with Hope House is not as a victim, but as a contributor and Board Member. My plight is to ensure that my children, friends and all the people I can touch understand domestic violence and the small ways it can start and escalate. No one should be a victim, especially to someone they believe they love.