February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

You just have to turn on your TV set to know that domestic violence is everywhere. Unfortunately, teens are no exception. February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month—offering the opportunity to learn more on the subject and get advice about how to speak to teens about it. Educating kids about what teen dating violence is, how to spot it and what to do about it, can help to keep them safe and happy, as well as lay the groundwork for well-balanced, healthy relationships in the future. And, as teen dating violence is a growing problem, it’s important.

It may seem shocking to contemplate discussing a subject as dark as domestic violence with such a young audience, but unhealthy relationships often start early in life. And, sadly, they can last a lifetime. The numbers are painfully telling:

• One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a partner they are dating—a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence.
• One quarter of high school girls have been victims of physical or sexual abuse.
• Approximately 70% of college students say they have been sexually coerced. 

What is Teen Dating Violence?

Dating violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors used to have control and power over a dating partner. It can be physical (hitting, pinching, shoving, etc.), emotional (threatening, shaming or bullying behavior or isolation of a partner—keeping them away from friends and/or family), sexual (forcing sex), or stalking.

Dating violence doesn’t always happen in person. Increasingly it is electronic harassment like constant texting or embarrassing posts online. If you find that violent behaviors are growing in your relationship, it can be very dangerous. Especially for young people who deal with more peer pressure and are less experienced in relationships than the average adult.

Once you know what to look for, patterns of control are easy to spot. Sometimes it starts as simple teasing or name calling. Some of that might seem quite normal, but it can quickly become more serious, leading to more controlling or even violent behavior.

Warning Signs

As relationships vary so greatly, it’s sometimes difficult to know when a behavior crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy or when it becomes abusive. Be on the lookout for these warning signs:

• Checking your cell phone or email without permission
• Constantly putting you down
• Extremely jealous or insecure
• Explosive temper
• Isolating you from family or friends
• Mood swings
• Physically hurting you in any way
• Possessiveness
• Telling you what to do
• Repeatedly pressuring you to have sex
• Pressuring you to send sexually suggestive texts or emails

Why Concentrate on Young People?

• According to the Bureau of Justice, young women ages 16-24 are most vulnerable.
• Violent behavior typically begins between the ages of 12 and 18.
• The severity of domestic violence is often greater in cases where the pattern of abuse was established in adolescence.
• Violent relationships in adolescence can put victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence.
• Being physically or sexually abused makes teen girls six times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to get a STD.

Not happening around you? Not true.

With one in three teens experiencing violence in their dating relationships, the need for awareness is strong. And with only 33% of teens in a violent relationship even telling anyone about the abuse, clearly we need to start the conversation. If your child isn’t experiencing it personally, chances are they know someone who is and can be of help given the right information.

Teaching teens what is healthy and what is not can go a long way in giving them the tools they need to create healthy relationships that can last them their lifetimes.

To learn more, go to loveisrespect.org, teendvmonth.org or breakthecycle.org.

This article appears in the February 2014 issue of Lee's Summit Lifestyle Magazine.

Power and Control in Teen Dating

This week’s guest blogger is Travis Sappington, a Children’s Therapist for Hope House.

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I enjoy working with children and teenagers. I think they are genuine and they know if I am being genuine too. I have worked with children and families in domestic violence situations in our shelter services and outreach programs for over three years. My hope is that I make them feel safe so they can share whatever they need to.

Dating violence is domestic violence not yet grown up. No one deserves to be abused by anyone. Living free of abuse is a basic human right, yet many of our teens are already experiencing abuse from someone who says he loves her.

THE POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

In therapy, I use a tool called the Power and Control Wheel for Teen Dating. It illustrates the different types of behaviors an abuser uses to control his victim. Below you’ll see some of the behaviors found on the Wheel, along with actual statements clients have made to me about finding themselves in these situations.

Isolation: Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, where she goes. Controlling her extracurricular activities. Statement heard: “I haven’t hung out with my friends in forever, just with him.”

Emotional Abuse: Putting her down or making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she’s crazy. Mind games. Embarrassing her in front of her classmates. Telling lies to friends, family members, teachers, etc. Peer pressure. Statement heard: “I guess he gets upset when he can’t get a hold of me. He called my dad the other day because I didn’t answer his calls or texts. I didn’t answer because I was in class.”

Economic Abuse: Making her “pay” (usually sexually) for dates, presents, etc. Statement heard: “Yes, he has made me do things I don’t want to do!”

Sexual Abuse: Making her do sexual things against her will or before she is ready. Physically attacking the sexual parts of her body. Treating her like a sex object. Using sex after an argument to make up. Telling her that teasing him is hurting him physically. Statement heard: “Umm…I am scared because we have taken things really, really fast.”

Using Vehicle: Driving fast and/or recklessly with her in the car. Driving her to an isolated place and threatening to leave her. Statement heard: “He has only swerved or jerked the wheel a couple times. It's no big deal.”

Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her. Threaten to hurt/kill her family, friends, or pets. Statement heard: “He said he would hurt me if I would leave him.”

Using Male Privilege: Treating her like a servant. Making all the “big” decisions. Acting like the master of her in front of her friends. Statement heard: “No, I don’t pick where we eat. He always does!!”

Intimidation: Putting her in fear by using looks, threats, actions, gestures, loud voice, smashing things, destroying her property. Statement heard: “I am always anxious when I am on the phone with him. I don’t want to upset him.”

Do you know if your daughter is experiencing any of these issues? Ask her. Don’t wait for her to come to you. If you need help figuring out what to say, call the Hope House hotline at 816-461-HOPE (4673) or visit one of these websites:

http://www.loveisnotabuse.org/
http://www.loveisrespect.org/

Power and Control

Throughout my years at Hope House I am continually asked what is domestic violence and why does it happen. The answer is simple yet very complex at the same time. It can be so hard to understand how someone who says they love another person can do such harm to them. It goes against our understanding of what is supposed to be and what we want our families to be.

So what is domestic violence? It is a pattern of coercive behavior used to establish power and control over an intimate partner. One person in the relationship uses tactics of control over his partner in order to maintain power over the partner. Those control tactics can take many forms. The most commonly known form is physical abuse.

Other forms of control include:

1) emotional abuse (name calling, constant put downs)

2) sexual abuse

3) using the children (threaten to take the children away)

4) threats of death or threats of violence to family members or pets

5) economic abuse (not allowing her to work or getting her fired due to disturbances at work)

6) stalking

Future entries will go into these methods in more detail.

Domestic violence happens in marriages, dating relationships, and with people who are living together. It affects young and old. It crosses all races, ethnicities and socio-economic levels. In other words, it can happen to anyone.

It can be happening to someone in your workplace or to your best friend. With 1 out of 4 women being a victim at some point in their lives, the likelihood of you knowing someone who is or has been a victim is very high.

If you know someone in an abusive relationship, please make sure they are aware of the resources available to them. Give them our 24 hour hotline number: 816-461-HOPE (4673) so they can access our services and get the support they need to live their lives free of abuse.