Guest Blogger Chad Leabo Rants about Domestic Violence

Each time I hear about the way society views domestic violence it get’s my blood pressure up. Here in the west we do a lot of finger-wagging at cultures where women are not treated with the respect we think they should be afforded. I’m calling us (the western world) out on that.

Is it worse that girls in Africa are kidnapped for going to school? Yes. Is it worse that, in less-evolved parts of the Islamic world, girls are beaten or killed for going to school or learning to read? Yes. Is it worse that in many cultures, where arranged marriages exist and someone marries for love, ignoring the families’ social contracts, the woman is then killed to protect the family honor? Yes. Is it worse in places where girls are sold into sexual slavery? Yes (though it happens here too). Is it worse in south Asia and the middle-east that a woman can legally be punished for the “crime” of being raped. Absolutely.

However, as bad those places may be--and the treatment of women is abhorrent in those places in my opinion--we have a long, long way to go here as well.

Take the recent murder of a five year old girl in Leavenworth, KS last week. I’ve been following domestic violence (DV) related stories for years now, due to my wife’s job at Hope House. I can spot them in the news with a high degree of accuracy. You can too. When the report came out that a man had allegedly kidnapped a child and was led on a chase and he then allegedly killed the child when police had cornered him. I knew the story. It’s not unusual in cases of DV, especially if the woman is in the process of leaving, for the abuser to take her or even her kids out. That’s the most lethal time, when he thinks she is going to leave. It’s about control. Killing the mother’s kids is the ultimate abuse to a mother. Killing the mother herself is the ultimate control.

Women rarely get murdered. When they do, a vast majority of the time, DV is a factor. Then the victim blaming begins. This is the part that bothers me the most. I try to not read the reader comments on news stories because of the depressing ignorance and vengeance-airing that occurs in such forums. However, as I read that story’s comments I was not surprised by the comments of “why didn’t she leave him?” and, “they should charge her (the mother) too (in the death of the little girl).” In DV nobody every asks, “Why didn’t he stop abusing her?”

In DV situations where a man is abusing a woman, statistically she will leave seven times before actually leaving for good. Like I said, the time when she is leaving is highly dangerous. It’s a time of high lethality. If she has kids, whether they are his or not, she may come back or delay leaving for good because she may figure if she has to take a beating so her kids have a place to live, so be it. That’s sad but kind of admirable in a way. But one must remember that DV is learned behavior. Both parties likely witnessed it growing up. If you see that as part of life, you accept it, right or wrong.

Many people hide behind traditional social norms of the man being in charge. Many hide behind religious beliefs for women being subservient to men. But, when you strip it all away, are those views any less wrong than honor killings (which are backed up for the same reasons)?

Recently the NFL gave Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice a slap on the wrist for knocking his the fiancée unconscious at an Atlantic City casino. He got a two game suspension. Two games. Had he been busted for steroids he’d have gotten twice that. What does that teach little boys about consequences? What does that teach little girls about their value? She didn’t press charges. Why didn’t she press charges? Remember this is learned behavior. This is part of life for her. Sadly I predict she will be hit again. Will she live in luxury? Yes, not that that matters in the long run. Most women who are survivors of DV do not live that lifestyle.

They live in your neighborhood. They work with you. They go to church with you. They’re in some part of your family. About 50 percent of the human population of planet Earth is carrying XX chromosomes (that means they’re women FYI). One in four of those women will experience some type of DV (emotional, or physical) in her lifetime. Those are your daughters, friends, nieces (my wife and I have five nieces), granddaughters...DV crosses all socio-economic and racial lines. Let us not throw away half of the population.

Breaking the cycle of DV is the most important part of fixing the problem. Boys who witness abuse are more than twice as likely to be abusers. Yet programs, which try to intervene and mitigate the damage done to these young witnesses, are poorly funded and not far-reaching enough. At times it’s like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with rocks.

Shelters are the last resort for victims of DV. Survivors go there after they’ve exhausted all other options, like family and friends. In the KC metro, organizations like Hope House, Rosebrooks, Safehome, etc., also serve as court advocates, and have legal outreach programs too. They help get women out of dangerous situations. It would be awesome if places like those didn’t have to exist. But they do. No court advocate or anyone on their legal team has a day without multiple cases. Not one bed goes unused in the shelter. Ever.

Supporting entities which try to stop or prevent domestic violence is not sexy. The DV shelter in your community is not fancy. It needs money to keep its doors open. Not your cast-off out of date clothes and broken TVs. The well-heeled in your city don’t get giddy over having their name on the building which protects abused humans. The DV shelter in your community is not a warm and fuzzy charity. Domestic violence is a scary, disturbing and sometimes confusing topic. It is real life and death. I sometimes wonder if Sarah McLachlan (who I love) did PSAs which showed women (and men) with broken wrists, bruised faces, and cigarette burned skin if it would help. Probably not. The ignorant would blame the victim again. It takes time to break out of DV relationships. Sometimes people need a little help. Stop blaming the victims and let them become survivors.

Parents it’s up to you. Your kids are little sponges. Teach them respect. Teach them to communicate. Teach them boundaries. Teach them right and wrong. Give your kids good examples. It’s on you. In the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, “…teach your children well.”

Chad Leabo

To Kasandra and All Those Who Have Lost Their Lives

I think by now most people have heard about the tragic events of this past weekend in Kansas City.

Jovan Belcher, a Kansas City Chiefs football player, murdered his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins before he committed suicide in front of his coach and the General Manager of the Chiefs.

The couple has a 3-month old daughter, Zoey, who is now alone, to be raised without either of her parents.

I have been asked what my response is to this tragedy.  My response is the same that it is every time a woman loses her life due to domestic violence: it is horrific; it is a tragedy; it is senseless and needs to stop.

The difference between Kasandra and the other 13 victims who have lost their lives this year in Kansas City is that her boyfriend was a Kansas City Chiefs player. 

The other victims this year have not gotten the attention of the media as Kasandra has, and that is also tragic.  The very concerned reporters I spoke to acknowledged that there has not been enough attention paid to domestic violence homicides. They were shocked at the statistics, not realizing how prevalent DV homicides really are in our society.

I hope that something positive can come from this senseless tragedy. I hope that people will have a better understanding of the severity of domestic violence; understand that it is happening everywhere and every day.

DV is a crime that must be stopped. We all need to make an effort to end this hideous cycle. Domestic violence advocates have more work to do in educating our community about the problem, what resources are available, and what can be done.

We all need to work together to ensure the safety of our neighbors, our friends, and our family members.

I have a commitment to those who have died, those who survived the attacks on them, and to their surviving children:

“I will work to ensure that your death and your attack were not in vain. I will continue to honor you and your sacrifice by working to ensure that others don’t go through what you went through; that other children will not be left orphaned due to domestic violence.

“That is the least I can do for you. You gave your life. I will use mine to continue the fight in your honor and hope that others know what a sacrifice you made. That is a very small thing that I can do for you. I am so sad that you are not here, but I will continue to fight for you and for your children, and all of those who are touched by domestic violence.“

I have been doing this work for over 20 years and I have never found it as difficult as I do today. It is with a heavy and very sad heart that I take on this day and the challenges it presents. I pray that I do this work with integrity, with commitment, and with those who lost the battle foremost in my mind at all times.

The Inner City Myth

Valerie Avore/The Epoch Times

A common myth of domestic violence is that it only happens in the inner city; it doesn’t happen in the suburbs. This myth is very similar to the misconception that it only happens to poor people.

For some, it can be very difficult to believe or acknowledge that something so horrible could be happening in your neighborhood, by people you know and care about. It’s easier to think it only happens in segments of society; to “other” people.

So it’s common to assign it to a group that you are not a part of, whether that be poor, rich, suburban, inner city, white, black, Christian, Muslim, or non-believer—whatever “label” you want to assign so it’s not a part of you and your world.

Unfortunately, domestic violence transcends all worlds so it will intersect with you at some point. It happens everywhere, to every group of society.  We can’t ignore it, and we can’t assign it to someone else so we can avoid addressing it.

If we are ever going to end the cycle of violence, we must first acknowledge it and then address the underlying problems.

Hope House has two locations in the suburbs of Kansas City.  We are full every day with people from suburbs across the metro area. It IS happening here.

The Lee’s Summit location was started after three women were murdered by their husbands. How many homicides does Lee’s Summit have in one year? Not many— most years, none. To have three in one year was eye opening for many.  It moved a group of people to start the fundraising so we could have a shelter in the city to address the need.

We must see it as it is, acknowledge it, and work toward solutions. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes the entire community to stop the violence. Together, we can break the cycle and work toward a future where there is no domestic violence.

Workplace Violence

I receive regular email updates from the Family Violence Prevention Fund (www.endabuse.org) which is a great resource for people who are interested in ending the cycle of domestic violence.

One of the recent updates I received talked about the new initiative launched by President Obama and Vice President Biden called Workplaces Respond to Domestic and Sexual Violence: A National Resource Center.

This center is a new resource that will assist employers in their quest to ensure the safety of their employees. The center was formed by a partnership of seven national organizations led by the Family Violence Prevention Fund (FVPF), and funded by the Justice Department’s Office on Violence Against Women (OVW).

The center has a website for employers to get current information, resources and tools to assist in creating policies that will protect their employees. Often employers seek assistance after an employee has been murdered, as they are trying to determine what went wrong and what they might have been able to do to prevent the murder. This new resource is a valuable tool to employers, and hopefully will help to prevent future domestic violence attacks/murders.

If you are an employer, I encourage you to visit the website of the Center (www.workplacesrespond.org) where you can take a quiz to find out how much you know about violence and its effects on the workplace. Then read more about domestic violence and find out about the resources that are available that will help you maintain a safe environment for everyone.

I believe this new tool is one more step in the direction of ending the cycle of domestic violence and giving everyone the opportunity to live a life free of violence. It takes many concerned individuals to truly make an impact and this new resource provides valuable tools for people to get involved and to make a difference.

I appreciate the hard work the Family Violence Prevention Fund and the other organizations put into this initiative and know we will have positive outcomes because of it. 

Stalking Awareness Month

January 2010 marks the 7th annual National Stalking Awareness Month.

This month offers the opportunity to highlight the services that are available and to draw awareness to the issue and the impact it has on our society.

Stalking is a crime of great magnitude. More that 3 million people older than 18 are stalked annually in the United States. It is a criminal offense under the laws of all 50 states, the District of Columbia, the U.S. Territories and the federal government.

1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetimes, and the majority of victims are stalked by someone they know.

What is Stalking?

Stalking is defined by Missouri law as purposely, repeatedly and intentionally harassing or following someone. How does this translate to behaviors? Victims are followed in their daily activities - to work, to the grocery store, to their friend’s house. They receive repeated phone calls and hang ups - some threatening, others where nothing is said. They can receive calls at work disrupting their work day and threatening their jobs.

Victims can also be confronted with their car tires being slashed, windows and doors broken in their cars and homes. What may not seem so threatening - but to a stalking victim it can be terrifying - is to have flowers or gifts delivered to their work or their home.

With the advancement of technology we are seeing stalking taking on different forms - GPS devices attached to cars, computer technology allowing the stalker to see activity and emails, tracking information from cell phones. Every aspect of life is invaded and threatened.

The Effects of Stalking

Being a victim of stalking is extremely frightening. Victims can experience, anxiety, insomnia, social dysfunction, lost work hours and productivity, and severe depression at a much higher rate than the general population. Stalking victims are forced to take drastic measures to protect themselves, such as relocating, changing their phone numbers, changing their identities, changing jobs and obtaining protection orders.

76% of women who were murdered by their intimate partner had been previously stalked by their killer, and more than half of these victims reported the stalking to the police before being murdered. 81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner.

Help is Available

If you are a victim of stalking or you know someone who is, there are resources available. Hope House has a 24 hour crisis hotline 816-461- HOPE (4673). Another resource is the Stalking Resource Center at www.ncvc.org that has a wealth of information for victims and those who want to get involved to help. Awareness is the first step in our efforts to stop this horrible crime.


Source: 1The Stalking Resource Center. (June 2009) Stalking Fact Sheet 2Tjaden, P., & Thoennes, N. (1998). Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women survey. National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Research in Brief. Washington, DC: U.S. Department