5 ideas for helping someone you suspect is in an abusive relationship

Throughout my 22-year

career in the domestic violence field, I’ve seen almost anything you can imagine as it pertains to abuse. Being out in the community, I hear more people asking, “What do I do if I suspect someone is being abused?” Or, “What do I do if someone comes to me looking for help?” There is a social stigma associated with domestic violence, and sometimes people feel they are helping, but - although they mean well – the advice can hinder the survivor more. Below are five ideas for helping someone you suspect is being abused or who has come to you for help:

Believe them – Often family and friends are not aware that abuse is occurring in someone’s life, which results in survivors feeling alone and isolated. They may be working hard to keep the abuse from those they care about, which can result in them feeling as if they are living two lives. They may be hiding the abuse due to fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment or a variety of other reasons. When they decide to come forward and ask for help, one of the worst things people can do is say, “Oh he wouldn’t do that.”  Not believing a person is in a domestic violence situation can be devastating for that survivor and push him/her even further into isolation and feelings of shame and embarrassment.

Listen –In many cases, domestic violence survivors have no one to talk to or turn to for support. Abusers constantly shame and isolate their victims. Abusers don’t let their partners spend time with friends or family. This alienation reinforces point one and contributes to the survivor’s feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Just listening can be life saving for that person experiencing abuse. The survivor may not be looking for help, just someone to be with; someone who will listen, believe them and not judge them. In some cases, this is the survivor’s way of thinking out-loud. One thing to remember when listening is that even though you may give advice, the decision is ultimately up to the survivor as to the best course of action to take. Multiple factors  go into the decision to leave or not to leave, and ultimately it is up to the survivor to make that decision, but he/she will still need support and a listening ear - whatever the decision. Research shows that it can take a person an average of seven times to leave a relationship before they are able to leave for good. So patience may be required.

Don’t offer ultimatums – Friends want what is best for each other. It is easy to think your relationship means more to a survivor/friend who seeks advice. However, it can be an extremely difficult decision for a survivor to take that step and leave. Do not force the friend into a decision to leave. Abuse is about power and control. Most likely, for a majority of the survivor’s relationship, she/he has been powerless to the control the abuser has over them. If you push a friend into an ultimatum to leave, you are one more person who is trying to take away the survivor’s power and make the decision for him/her.

Be ready with resources – As a supporter of Hope House, you already know we serve survivors and families who suffer from domestic violence. Our hotline is an easy number to remember – 816-461-HOPE (4673). You can direct them to our website – hopehouse.net. There, we have examples of warning signs, our hotline number and a listing of all our resources so they know exactly how we can help. We also offer support to family and friends. If you feel you need support, please call our hotline and we can talk with you about your needs around your family member or friend who is experiencing domestic violence.

Additionally, you can discuss having a safety plan. If the survivor has a friend or relative they can escape to in times of great fear, talk about this with them. Ask if they have an emergency kit with clothes, money or other necessities if she/he has to escape in a hurry. Talk about avoiding rooms with items that could be used as weapons. If there are weapons in the house, know where they are and avoid them if possible. Discuss possible ways to get support at work if the abuser is harassing them at the office. How can the survivor change his/her use of technology? Some ideas include changing passwords to cell phones and email or on-line accounts, changing on-line accounts to one with only the survivor on it, getting a new cell phone or new computer, checking to see if there are monitoring devices on cell phones, on-line accounts, computers and vehicles. These are just a few ideas you can offer. You can check out our Safety Plan Tips for a more comprehensive list of items to consider in safety planning. Each situation is unique, so it is important to look at all factors and it is ok to be creative in creating solutions for safety.

Be patient – Again, do not be discouraged if nothing happens after your conversation. Fear, children, finances and many other factors can constrain the survivor’s ability to leave. You may not be aware of all the factors in the relationship, so don’t jump to any conclusions that the survivor doesn’t “really” want your help or isn’t listening. Help the survivor document, be a friend and listen, help create a safety plan and be ready to help if they decide to leave and need your help.

Lesson Learned From Clinton - Stop The Victim Blaming

With the tragic loss of Sandra Sutton (in Clinton, Missouri) due to domestic violence, there has been more discussion about domestic violence, how does it happen, why does it happen, why don’t people leave, and why don’t they call the police. There are so many questions because domestic violence is so complicated. There are no easy answers and the answers can challenge our way of thinking and shatter our vision of a peaceful and happy existence.

If someone has never experienced domestic violence or been exposed to it, the thought that someone who is supposed to love another person could hurt them in a violent way is hard to understand and wrap your arms around. The thought that someone could be kept in a box for months is something that even those of us who work in the field of domestic violence have to take a break and regroup. It takes your breath away as you imagine that horror. It made me sick to my stomach to imagine the horror she experienced. It made me cry.

That type of act is hideous and unthinkable. But yet, it happened here in our state of Missouri. This is the case we know about. Unfortunately, it is probably happening to someone else and we just don’t know it.

But why does it happen? Why does a relationship get so out of control?

That is where the difficulty in understanding comes in. There are so many reasons. But, even when you hear the reasons, it is hard to make sense of it. Even if you understand the origin and the thought process, coming to terms with such heinous acts is difficult.  How does a person get so out of control that he does something like that to his partner? Then, the even more unthinkable happens; she gets away and he hunts her down and murders her and her 17-year-old son.

How does someone do that? How does someone become so filled with hate and rage that they can do that? The answer is so simple, yet very complex – power and control. He had to have complete power over his partner, he went to unimaginable lengths to control her, and when he lost that control he committed the ultimate act of domestic violence: murder to regain that power and control. If he couldn’t control her and have complete power over her, then no one else would either, especially her. He wouldn’t allow her to make her own decisions and to live her life the way she wanted. He made sure of that when he murdered her and her son.

The important thing to remember is, it was not her fault!

She is not responsible for being murdered or kept in a box. She escaped and he tracked her down and he killed her. She is not to be blamed for this horrible act. It doesn’t matter if she called the police or didn’t call the police, or if she filed for a protection order or didn’t file for one. It was NOT her fault.

We cannot blame the victim for the things that happen to them. We must focus the attention on the perpetrator of the violence and the crime. But yet, somehow in domestic violence situations we blame the victim. We look at what she did or didn’t do and make it somehow her fault instead of looking at the perpetrator and placing the responsibility there and there alone.

If we are ever going to end domestic violence, it will be when we hold perpetrators accountable and break the cycle of violence. We must take responsibility as a society that domestic violence is allowed to happen. Whether it is a push, punch or kept locked-up in a box; it is wrong and must be stopped. We must work together to address the issue, we must shift the conversation from why didn’t she leave, why didn’t she call the police, get a protection order, to violence is not okay, and we must stop it. We must not allow our conversations to continue the abuse of the victim by blaming her, and we must all agree that violence is never the answer, violence is not okay.

If you want to learn more about domestic violence and the resources that are available and how you can help, please visit www.hopehouse.net. If you are in need of help please call the metro domestic violence hotline: 816-HOTLINE.

Black and Veatch engineer makes World of Difference for local domestic violence shelter

What started more than 20 years ago with the donation of two outdated appliances has blossomed into one Black and Veatch employee making a world of a difference for one local domestic violence shelter.

Brent Rupp, a project electrical engineer at Black and Veatch, has donated his time, goods and financially to Kansas City metro domestic violence shelter, Hope House.

Now, through Rupp’s dedication to helping the non-profit, Black and Veatch Building a World of Difference Foundation awarded Hope House a $5,000 grant to help alleviate the negative effects of domestic violence and inform the public about the issue.

“Hope House has always been appreciative of any help they receive,” said Rupp. “It makes it a real joy to help in anyway. So, I’m very happy to be able to present the donation to Hope House from Black and Veatch’s Building a World of Difference Foundation.”

Rupp stated that throughout his involvement with the non-profit, it is the positive attitudes of the staff and volunteers that keep him coming back to help and made him want to do more through the Black and Veatch Building a World of Difference Foundation.

“We are so grateful for supporters like Brent,” said MaryAnne Metheny, CEO of Hope House. “His volunteerism and dedication serves as encouragement for our team. The fact that he’s taken his efforts that extra mile and acquired this grant shows his commitment to the issue, and the survivors who need our services.”

Rupp has been a financial supporter of Hope House after donating the kitchen appliances. And, for the past several years, Rupp and his wife began volunteering. They have participated in Hope House’s Starlight and Chilifest fundraisers. And, his wife, Mary, volunteered her own time and encouraged their daughter’s Girl Scout Troop to donate time at the shelter as well, while Mary served as troop leader.

“When I was looking to donate the appliances, I didn’t know Hope House existed,” said Rupp. “But, my friend encouraged me to work with them, and since then, Hope House has always been a place we support. The relationship has really strengthened over the years.”

And, it strengthened despite a year on a different continent. Between 2011 and 2012, Rupp was in South Africa working on a Black and Veatch coal plant project. It did not take long for him to reach back out to Hope House upon his return. After making it back to the States, he began working with the Lee’s Summit Knights of Columbus and served as an acting spokesman for Hope House.

“It is my hope that, in addition to the help the donation will provide to Hope House and its mission, we may also raise domestic violence awareness and the role Hope House plays to combat the issue,” said Rupp. “I look forward to further involvement with Hope House and hope to build a relationship with Black & Veatch and the professionals who may not be aware of Hope House and the good they do.”

The Black and Veatch Building a World of Difference Foundation was established with the aim of providing a platform for the company and its professionals in supporting a variety of philanthropic organizations like Hope House and other programs worldwide.

“Last year, Hope House provided more than 41,000 safe nights in shelter, answered more than 5,400 domestic abuse hotline calls and provided therapy to more than 420 survivors,” Metheny said. “The foundation grant will go a long way to ensure we continue to help the survivors who have taken that courageous first step to leave an abusive relationship.”

Top 4 Reasons to Attend Hope House's Margarita Ball 2015

Friday, April 24 from 7pm to 11pm
At Club 1000 - 1000 Broadway, KCMO 64105

Hope House’s Margarita Ball is one of KC’s premier dance parties where you can do good while having fun!

Party-goers will enjoy unlimited margaritas, cocktails and tapas, a silent auction with high-valued items, three floors of entertainment (basement is VIP area only – check sponsorship opportunities for more information). And, back by popular demand, DJ Ashton Martin will be spinning tunes and Lost Wax will be playing live music through the night.

Find out more by visiting www.hopehouse.net/MB2015

Hope House survivors smile big for volunteer dentist during National Dentists Day

After working more than 33 years as a dentist in Russellville, Arkansas, Dr. Dan Ryder just couldn’t stay away from the practice.

Ryder has been donating time to the women in Hope House for the last four years. Utilizing his experience and time in retirement, he helps survivors with their most immediate dental needs.

“One of my favorite stories to tell about Dr. Ryder is when one of the women in shelter came in for an appointment,” said MaryAnne Metheny, CEO of Hope House. “She was in so much pain. When Dr. Ryder was finished with the surgery, a week later she kept saying ‘I never knew what normal was supposed to feel like.”

And, that is what Ryder gives the survivors at Hope House – normal.

“Knowing that I’m able to provide good dental services to those who may not have these services available to them is very rewarding,” said Ryder. “It’s rewarding because we are able to show the clients that people care unconditionally.”

Ryder, who retired from his practice in Arkansas, moved to Lee’s Summit to be closer to his two children and four grandkids who live in the Kansas City area. Now he’s able to spend more time with them, playing golf, camping and backpacking through California every year. But, there is one more thing Ryder enjoys, and that is helping charitable causes, he says.

Not only does Ryder volunteer at Hope House, but he has also opened a free clinic in Arkansas before he moved. And, he volunteers at the Medical Mission for Christ in Camdenton, Missouri.

What brought him to Hope House was a series of coincidences, he said.

“I was on a mission trip in Jamaica through my church,” said Ryder. “While there, the organizer brought in some pharmacy students. I asked how I could get involved.”

From there, Ryder was directed to speak with Dr. Bridget McCandless of Independence. About three months later, she connected Ryder to Metheny who had been working with another area dentist, Dr. Ross Morrison, to start a dental clinic in the Hope House’s Independence shelter. After receiving a grant to purchase dental equipment, Metheny was in need of a dentist.

“When Dr. Ryder contacted me, we were so thrilled to have his experience and enthusiasm,” said Metheny. “He has done some amazing things for the women here over the last four years.  It’s funny because after his visits, you can always hear stories around the halls of shelter about the relief the women have, thanks to his help. We’re truly grateful to have his help.”

Ryder appreciates the facilities and the opportunity to provide immediate relief to the clients at Hope House as he focuses on survivors’ most immediate needs (i.e. fillings, root canals, etc.). But, he has also has a desire to perform dental cleanings. He asked any dental hygienists interested in volunteering contact Brandi Bair, Hope House volunteer coordinator, at 816-257-9342.

3 Tips For Supporting Survivor-Employees in the Workplace

It can be a tough task to deal with domestic violence in the workplace. We’ll be the first to admit it is not an easy or fun topic to discuss. But, as statistics show, it is a necessity.

According to studies, domestic violence victims lose 8 million days of paid work annually. The cost of those days exceeds $8.3 billion a year, according to the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology.

Further complicating matters for survivors, between 21 and 60 percent of them lose their jobs due to the violence they experience. And, even more disheartening is the fact that more than 140 women were murdered at work by their abuser in one five-year period.

So, what does this mean for employers? How can you safely manage the impact in your workplace?

First, and foremost, businesses can partner with domestic violence agencies to provide workplace seminars, trainings or health fairs. Training in the workplace can improve the understanding of domestic violence at work. While knowledge and education are good to have, multiple trainings or exposures to domestic violence information in the workplace will change behaviors.

Those behavioral changes are more aptly to happen if a domestic violence policy is also in place. Domestic violence policies can protect survivors if they include time-off for multiple court dates. Often, judges will extend court dates several times if the affected individuals do not show up in court. This requires the survivor-employee to take off work more days than permitted to move forward with potential restraining orders, divorce or custody cases.

These policies can be promoted in writing or poster form next to other required federal or state workplace posters.

But, taking the policy one-step further is when an employer knows of the employee’s abuse. Having a support network at the office can be an asset to any survivor. Other than encouraging help with proper resources, employers can also offer employee assistance programs, sometimes called EAPs.

If the survivor-employee has confided her abuse with another employee she is comfortable with, they may establish a code word to signal the abuse. If the employee calls-in sick and says, “My throat is tickling again,” or “Johnny has a teacher meeting today,” the responding employee can document the abuse signal.

Although such signals are used on occasion, employees can also have distress signals for immediate emergencies. If the survivor-employee is concerned for her immediate safety, she can call work and provide a distress signal established with a colleague, alerting the colleague to contact law enforcement.

These three tips can positively change the way survivor-employees work. Not only will the business experience greater productivity, but they will have a more loyal employee.

For other suggestions on domestic violence policies or hosting training sessions, employers are encouraged to contact Hope House at 816-461-4188 or visit our website hopehouse.net

New HHYP Board Member has a connection to Hope House mission

The Hope House Young Professionals Board is proud to welcome Carina Criger to the HHYP Board.

Carina is a card risk management officer at UMB Bank. As a board member of Hope House Young Professionals, she hopes to raise public awareness and give back to the community.

That drive comes from a personal experience dating back just a few years.

“My journey in learning about domestic violence is still rather new. I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone’s family,” said Carina. “In 2011, however, the world became a scarier place. Our friend, classmate, and valedictorian of our high school - the girl we had all grew up with since preschool - was killed by her boyfriend.”

Domestic violence was something that happened in the “big city,” Carina graduated with 40 fellow students. The town of less than-2,000 was rocked by the event.

“This event opened my eyes to the challenges and difficulties women face each and every day,” said Carina. “The reality that domestic violence can happen to all types of individuals from all different backgrounds became more than just apparent.”

After graduating, Carina attended Pittsburg State University in Pittsburg, Kansas where she earned a B.A degree in Business Administration with an emphasis in Accounting and Finance. She joined the UMB team and enjoys spending time with friends and family, cooking, reading, attending sporting events, and playing recreational volleyball.

But, Carina says domestic violence is something she cares about greatly.

“Groups like the HHYP provide the support, resources, and refuge to assist these women in overcoming these obstacles,” Carina said. “Each little bit of assistance is going to someone who faces similar struggles that my friend Laura did. I look forward to doing what I can to assist the HHYP in their mission.” 

Read more of Hope House's latest news at www.hopehouse.net