5 ideas for helping someone you suspect is in an abusive relationship

Throughout my 22-year

career in the domestic violence field, I’ve seen almost anything you can imagine as it pertains to abuse. Being out in the community, I hear more people asking, “What do I do if I suspect someone is being abused?” Or, “What do I do if someone comes to me looking for help?” There is a social stigma associated with domestic violence, and sometimes people feel they are helping, but - although they mean well – the advice can hinder the survivor more. Below are five ideas for helping someone you suspect is being abused or who has come to you for help:

Believe them – Often family and friends are not aware that abuse is occurring in someone’s life, which results in survivors feeling alone and isolated. They may be working hard to keep the abuse from those they care about, which can result in them feeling as if they are living two lives. They may be hiding the abuse due to fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment or a variety of other reasons. When they decide to come forward and ask for help, one of the worst things people can do is say, “Oh he wouldn’t do that.”  Not believing a person is in a domestic violence situation can be devastating for that survivor and push him/her even further into isolation and feelings of shame and embarrassment.

Listen –In many cases, domestic violence survivors have no one to talk to or turn to for support. Abusers constantly shame and isolate their victims. Abusers don’t let their partners spend time with friends or family. This alienation reinforces point one and contributes to the survivor’s feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Just listening can be life saving for that person experiencing abuse. The survivor may not be looking for help, just someone to be with; someone who will listen, believe them and not judge them. In some cases, this is the survivor’s way of thinking out-loud. One thing to remember when listening is that even though you may give advice, the decision is ultimately up to the survivor as to the best course of action to take. Multiple factors  go into the decision to leave or not to leave, and ultimately it is up to the survivor to make that decision, but he/she will still need support and a listening ear - whatever the decision. Research shows that it can take a person an average of seven times to leave a relationship before they are able to leave for good. So patience may be required.

Don’t offer ultimatums – Friends want what is best for each other. It is easy to think your relationship means more to a survivor/friend who seeks advice. However, it can be an extremely difficult decision for a survivor to take that step and leave. Do not force the friend into a decision to leave. Abuse is about power and control. Most likely, for a majority of the survivor’s relationship, she/he has been powerless to the control the abuser has over them. If you push a friend into an ultimatum to leave, you are one more person who is trying to take away the survivor’s power and make the decision for him/her.

Be ready with resources – As a supporter of Hope House, you already know we serve survivors and families who suffer from domestic violence. Our hotline is an easy number to remember – 816-461-HOPE (4673). You can direct them to our website – hopehouse.net. There, we have examples of warning signs, our hotline number and a listing of all our resources so they know exactly how we can help. We also offer support to family and friends. If you feel you need support, please call our hotline and we can talk with you about your needs around your family member or friend who is experiencing domestic violence.

Additionally, you can discuss having a safety plan. If the survivor has a friend or relative they can escape to in times of great fear, talk about this with them. Ask if they have an emergency kit with clothes, money or other necessities if she/he has to escape in a hurry. Talk about avoiding rooms with items that could be used as weapons. If there are weapons in the house, know where they are and avoid them if possible. Discuss possible ways to get support at work if the abuser is harassing them at the office. How can the survivor change his/her use of technology? Some ideas include changing passwords to cell phones and email or on-line accounts, changing on-line accounts to one with only the survivor on it, getting a new cell phone or new computer, checking to see if there are monitoring devices on cell phones, on-line accounts, computers and vehicles. These are just a few ideas you can offer. You can check out our Safety Plan Tips for a more comprehensive list of items to consider in safety planning. Each situation is unique, so it is important to look at all factors and it is ok to be creative in creating solutions for safety.

Be patient – Again, do not be discouraged if nothing happens after your conversation. Fear, children, finances and many other factors can constrain the survivor’s ability to leave. You may not be aware of all the factors in the relationship, so don’t jump to any conclusions that the survivor doesn’t “really” want your help or isn’t listening. Help the survivor document, be a friend and listen, help create a safety plan and be ready to help if they decide to leave and need your help.

January is Stalking Awareness

Anyone who has been the victim of stalking can tell you, it’s a terrifying experience and a reprehensible way of controlling a person—instilling a sense of fear and powerlessness.

Just think of it… someone watching you at any given moment, following you or lying in wait, threatening you… it can keep you off balance, anxious and full of mistrust. In fact, 46% of stalking victims say that fear of not knowing what’s next impacts them deeply. And it is further terrorizing not know if it will ever stop.

Stalking impacts victims in every area of life—1 in 8 lose time from work and 1 in 7 move as a result—affecting them financially and professionally. Emotionally, it takes a tremendous toll—anxiety, insomnia and severe depression are all prevalent among those being stalked.

Although victims are frequently targeted by someone they know—66% of female and 41% of male victims are stalked by current of former partners—sometimes a person has no idea who the perpetrator is.

Stalking affects 1 in 6 women and 1 in 19 men in the United States. It’s becoming prevalent. A month of awareness allows us the opportunity to get information out about this menacing crime, learn more about it and give access to some useful resources.

Some important facts:

·         Women are nearly 3 times more likely to be stalked than men.

·         The majority of stalkers are male.

·         11% of stalking victims have been stalked for 5 years or more.

·         78% of stalkers use more than one means of approach.

·         Almost 1/3 of stalkers have stalked before.

·         1 in 5 cases of stalking includes the use of a weapon.

Facts around stalking and intimate partner femicide (deaths of women):

·         76% of intimate partner femicide victims have been stalked by their intimate partner.

·         67% had been physically abused by their intimate partner.

·         89% of femicide victims who had been physically assaulted had also been stalked in the 12 months before their murder.

·         54% of femicide victims reported stalking to police before they were killed by their stalkers.

So what can you do?

In Missouri, stalking is a crime. Keep detailed records of stalking incidents. Record keeping can make all the difference in prosecuting stalking cases and can legally help to differentiate between stalking and harassment. Stalking is not just a one-time event—it’s an accumulation of events. Other things to consider:

·         Try to make sure you have witnesses and keep track of who they are.

·         Make a safety plan to help reduce your risk of harm.

·         Consider your online visibility and decide if you need to make changes to be more private.

·         Give pictures of the stalker to security and friends at work/school/etc.

·         Tell your supervisors—they have a responsibility to keep you safe at work.

·         File police reports as incidents happen.

Stalking is a serious offense and can escalate into violence. If you think you’re in immediate danger call 911 or the National Stalking Resource Center hotline: 1-800-FYI-CALL.

For more information and tools, please visit victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center.

Statistics:  victimsofcrime.org

The Hope House BridgeSPAN Program

Health care providers are in a unique position to help victims of abuse if they know how to detect domestic violence (DV) and provide victims with referrals and support.  It only makes sense, then, to reach out to survivors in area hospitals. This is what the Hope House BridgeSPAN Program aims to do. 

Through the BridgeSPAN program, Hope House and other area DV programs provide a coordinated effort to address DV as a serious healthcare issue in 46 hospitals and clinics throughout the Kansas City metro area. BridgeSPAN offers patients with on-site advocacy including support, safety planning, and access to ongoing DV services including those for mental health. It also offers training for medical personnel, and protocol development and maintenance.

Recently, our BridgeSPAN Coordinator provided training to new employees of a local hospital about how to screen patients for DV and what resources to offer when patients screen positive for abuse. Later that evening, a nurse who went through the training called the hotline to obtain services for herself. She had been in an abusive marriage for several years and had never reached out for help. 

The nurse told the hotline operator that after hearing the trainer talk about what DV entails and what survivors go through, she suddenly realized that the trainer was describing her own life. That nurse was able to speak with the hotline operator about a plan for leaving her abusive relationship and she entered services shortly after.  

(Photo credit: Aaron Lindberg)

Animal Abuse and Domestic Violence

When animals in a home are abused or neglected, it may be a warning sign that others in the household are being abused as well. 

An abuser will use many forms of intimidation and threats to maintain power and control. If a woman is forced to watch her spouse kill the family pet in front of her and her children, she will think very hard about her next steps. It is very effective in keeping women in the relationship, feeling trapped and afraid.

According to americanhumane.org:

• 71% of pet-owning women entering women’s shelters reported that their batterer had threatened, injured, maimed, or killed family pets for revenge or to psychologically control victims; 32% reported their children had hurt or killed animals.
• Between 25% and 40% of battered women are unable to escape abusive situations because they worry about what will happen to their pets or livestock should they leave.

Abuse of a beloved pet can be the trigger for a woman to make the call to the hotline to seek services. But lack of a safe place for the family pet could be a reason she can’t enter shelter.

When a woman comes into shelter at Hope House, we are able to house their pets overnight. The woman and her advocate will contact other agencies that specialize in work with animals and will try to arrange temporary solutions for the care of the pet. But this does not help in the long term.

We are currently in conversation with Independence Animal Control to explore ideas that could help women with pets who are seeking our services. We want to eliminate the barrier that may be keeping a woman from realizing her dream of a life that is free of abuse for her, her children and her pets.

Lethality Assessment Program

I am excited to tell you about a program that Hope House is doing in conjunction with the Lee’s Summit, Raytown and Grandview Police Departments called the Lethality Assessment Program.

The program represents the work of Dr. Jacquelyn Campbell of The Johns Hopkins University School of Nursing. In her 25 years of research Dr. Campbell learned:

• Only 4% of domestic violence murder victims ever availed themselves of services.
• In 50% of domestic violence related homicides, officers had previously responded to a call to that home.
• The re-assault of domestic violence victims in high danger was reduced by 60% if the victim went into shelter. 

With this research data, the Maryland Coalition Against Domestic Violence (MCADV) began the Lethality Assessment Program for First Responders. The MCADV chose five pilot sites to take their project nation wide and the Kansas City area was chosen as one of those pilot sites through a collaborative effort called the Safe Family Coalition.

WHAT IS LAP

The LAP project is a two pronged intervention program that consists of a research-based lethality screening tool and an accompanying protocol referral that provides direction for the officer based on the results of the screening process. The project consists of a police department and a domestic violence agency working together.

When police are called to the scene of domestic violence situation they utilize the screening tool. This screening is a series of questions that determines if that victim is at high risk for lethality or being killed based on how the victim answers. This screening gives the officers another tool to use to talk with the victim. They can say to the victim, “I am very concerned for your safety. Research shows that based on the way you answered these questions, there is a high likelihood that you will be killed by your abuser.”

SAFETY PLANNING AND REFERRALS

Once the screening is complete, the officer lets the victim know that he/she will be calling Hope House and talking to the hotline operator; the goal being that the victim will talk to the hotline operator as well. The officer will talk with the hotline operator to assist with safety planning and referrals, even if the victim chooses not to get on the phone.

Many of the victims do talk to the hotline operator; 43% have come into services once they have made contact with the shelter. For some of these victims, this conversation is the first time they have ever had contact with us and had the opportunity to learn about the services that are available.

THE RESULTS

The participating police departments agreed to take part in this five month pilot project (June to October 2009) with no additional funding. All participating police departments chose to continue the program due to the success experienced during the pilot phase.

Of 202 screenings, 146 screened high for lethality (72%). We were told to expect about two calls per week but just in our participating communities we were experiencing approximately one call per day. Kansas City is also participating and they were experiencing approximately two calls per day.

What this says to me is that we are reaching a group of people we were not reaching before. We are offering services to those people who are most at risk of being of killed and are least likely to access services. This program is truly saving lives.

We are so proud of the police departments that continue to participate even with no funding or extra resources. They are committed to ending domestic violence and most importantly, committed to helping the victims find safety, support and hope. To the police departments I say thank you; we could not do this work without you and your efforts.

Red Flags of Abuse

Most relationships do not start out abusive but there can be signs or what we call “red flags”. Sometimes the red flags are immediately obvious and other times it may take a while to see them.

Red flags can include a partner who:

• Insists on moving too quickly into a relationship.

• Does not honor your boundaries.

• Is excessively jealous or possessive.

• Criticizes your appearance or makes frequent put-downs.

• Does not take responsibility for their behavior and blames others for their failures or difficulties.

• Has a history of battering in other relationships.

• Blames the entire failure of an earlier relationship on their partner.

• Has a very stereotypical view of sex roles.

• Insists that you stop participating in leisure interests or spending time with your family or friends.

• Tells you how you "should feel" or tries to talk you out of your feelings.

• Seems that they may be "too good to be true".

• Makes frequent and harsh derogatory remarks about others.

• Is very impulsive and shows signs of raging out of control.

As we work with victims to create safety plans, we have to find out what tactics have been used against them and what threats exist so we can make a safety plan tailored to their situation. This helps start the healing process.

Remember, Hope House’s 24 hour hotline is 816-461-HOPE (4673). We are always available if you feel you are in an abusive relationship and you need someone to talk to or are in need of safe shelter.