Guest Blogger Chad Leabo Rants about Domestic Violence

Each time I hear about the way society views domestic violence it get’s my blood pressure up. Here in the west we do a lot of finger-wagging at cultures where women are not treated with the respect we think they should be afforded. I’m calling us (the western world) out on that.

Is it worse that girls in Africa are kidnapped for going to school? Yes. Is it worse that, in less-evolved parts of the Islamic world, girls are beaten or killed for going to school or learning to read? Yes. Is it worse that in many cultures, where arranged marriages exist and someone marries for love, ignoring the families’ social contracts, the woman is then killed to protect the family honor? Yes. Is it worse in places where girls are sold into sexual slavery? Yes (though it happens here too). Is it worse in south Asia and the middle-east that a woman can legally be punished for the “crime” of being raped. Absolutely.

However, as bad those places may be--and the treatment of women is abhorrent in those places in my opinion--we have a long, long way to go here as well.

Take the recent murder of a five year old girl in Leavenworth, KS last week. I’ve been following domestic violence (DV) related stories for years now, due to my wife’s job at Hope House. I can spot them in the news with a high degree of accuracy. You can too. When the report came out that a man had allegedly kidnapped a child and was led on a chase and he then allegedly killed the child when police had cornered him. I knew the story. It’s not unusual in cases of DV, especially if the woman is in the process of leaving, for the abuser to take her or even her kids out. That’s the most lethal time, when he thinks she is going to leave. It’s about control. Killing the mother’s kids is the ultimate abuse to a mother. Killing the mother herself is the ultimate control.

Women rarely get murdered. When they do, a vast majority of the time, DV is a factor. Then the victim blaming begins. This is the part that bothers me the most. I try to not read the reader comments on news stories because of the depressing ignorance and vengeance-airing that occurs in such forums. However, as I read that story’s comments I was not surprised by the comments of “why didn’t she leave him?” and, “they should charge her (the mother) too (in the death of the little girl).” In DV nobody every asks, “Why didn’t he stop abusing her?”

In DV situations where a man is abusing a woman, statistically she will leave seven times before actually leaving for good. Like I said, the time when she is leaving is highly dangerous. It’s a time of high lethality. If she has kids, whether they are his or not, she may come back or delay leaving for good because she may figure if she has to take a beating so her kids have a place to live, so be it. That’s sad but kind of admirable in a way. But one must remember that DV is learned behavior. Both parties likely witnessed it growing up. If you see that as part of life, you accept it, right or wrong.

Many people hide behind traditional social norms of the man being in charge. Many hide behind religious beliefs for women being subservient to men. But, when you strip it all away, are those views any less wrong than honor killings (which are backed up for the same reasons)?

Recently the NFL gave Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice a slap on the wrist for knocking his the fiancée unconscious at an Atlantic City casino. He got a two game suspension. Two games. Had he been busted for steroids he’d have gotten twice that. What does that teach little boys about consequences? What does that teach little girls about their value? She didn’t press charges. Why didn’t she press charges? Remember this is learned behavior. This is part of life for her. Sadly I predict she will be hit again. Will she live in luxury? Yes, not that that matters in the long run. Most women who are survivors of DV do not live that lifestyle.

They live in your neighborhood. They work with you. They go to church with you. They’re in some part of your family. About 50 percent of the human population of planet Earth is carrying XX chromosomes (that means they’re women FYI). One in four of those women will experience some type of DV (emotional, or physical) in her lifetime. Those are your daughters, friends, nieces (my wife and I have five nieces), granddaughters...DV crosses all socio-economic and racial lines. Let us not throw away half of the population.

Breaking the cycle of DV is the most important part of fixing the problem. Boys who witness abuse are more than twice as likely to be abusers. Yet programs, which try to intervene and mitigate the damage done to these young witnesses, are poorly funded and not far-reaching enough. At times it’s like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with rocks.

Shelters are the last resort for victims of DV. Survivors go there after they’ve exhausted all other options, like family and friends. In the KC metro, organizations like Hope House, Rosebrooks, Safehome, etc., also serve as court advocates, and have legal outreach programs too. They help get women out of dangerous situations. It would be awesome if places like those didn’t have to exist. But they do. No court advocate or anyone on their legal team has a day without multiple cases. Not one bed goes unused in the shelter. Ever.

Supporting entities which try to stop or prevent domestic violence is not sexy. The DV shelter in your community is not fancy. It needs money to keep its doors open. Not your cast-off out of date clothes and broken TVs. The well-heeled in your city don’t get giddy over having their name on the building which protects abused humans. The DV shelter in your community is not a warm and fuzzy charity. Domestic violence is a scary, disturbing and sometimes confusing topic. It is real life and death. I sometimes wonder if Sarah McLachlan (who I love) did PSAs which showed women (and men) with broken wrists, bruised faces, and cigarette burned skin if it would help. Probably not. The ignorant would blame the victim again. It takes time to break out of DV relationships. Sometimes people need a little help. Stop blaming the victims and let them become survivors.

Parents it’s up to you. Your kids are little sponges. Teach them respect. Teach them to communicate. Teach them boundaries. Teach them right and wrong. Give your kids good examples. It’s on you. In the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, “…teach your children well.”

Chad Leabo

Back to School

Well, it’s that time of the year… kids, as well as some adults, are heading back to school. I cannot believe how fast this summer has flown by.

It is exciting to see the seasons ready to change, school beginning and all of the hope and expectation that comes with starting something new.

We’re grateful for our ability to offer school supplies to each child entering school in the fall. They don’t have to go to school worrying about being labeled because they live in a shelter, or they don’t have enough money for supplies.

Our goal is that the children go to school without stress and worry about their living arrangements or what is going on in their lives. They need to focus on themselves and their school work, not finances, shelter, food, etc.

With the graciousness and generosity of our community, Hope House doesn’t have to worry about that either. There is enough for everyone to go to school equipped and ready to learn.

Children are resilient and have such hope and wonder about the world. This optimism can be dampened when there is trauma and crisis in their world. We work hard to help them find it again and bring it back to life.

Good luck to all of our students no matter what age they are. My hope is they have a very successful school year filled with new knowledge and excitement.

Back to School

Photo by gugacurado @ sxc.hu

It seems like just yesterday I was writing about how kids spend their summer days in shelter and now it’s back to school time. As we say goodbye to summer, we welcome the fall and the new schedules that it brings to shelter.

When a family comes to shelter, one of the first tasks is to enroll the children in school. When deciding on where her children will go to school, Mom has to weigh the risks of the children attending their home school versus the challenges that come with starting in a new school.

It is so important to get the children into a routine and get their schedules in order. This structure can help the children feel “normal” and feel like they have some control. Living in a home where there is domestic violence can create chaos and a feeling of being out of control. It’s amazing how normalcy, routine and structure can really help a child to feel calm and more relaxed in their environment. 

Photo by hvaldez1 @ sxc.hu

When kids are dealing with trauma and violence at home, they often struggle in school, finding it hard to focus and stay on top of things. Once in shelter, there is a focus on helping to make school a priority and addressing any educational issues that children are facing.

We always have a need for volunteer tutors to help the children get caught up and to work with those who are struggling and facing challenges. If you can spare some time to help a child with their schoolwork, please contact Gretchen at 816-257-9342 or gschmitz@hopehouse.net.

Summer in Shelter

Photo by kevinrohr @ sxc.hu

For those of us in Missouri and most places around the country this has been a scorcher of a summer. We’ve tried hard to make this hot weather as bearable as possible for those who are in shelter. We’re grateful that the air conditioning has worked most of the summer… just one outage for a few hours, and it was fixed immediately.

Besides the heat, what exactly happens around shelter in the summer? The same things that happen at your home in the summer: parents work, some kids go to summer school, and other kids play and enjoy their time off from school.

We strive to make the summer as much fun as possible for the kids staying here. We have water play days where they can run through sprinklers, and play on Slip ‘N’ Slides. They ride their bikes all over the campus.  You can hear them squealing as they see the fish swimming around in the water garden. They even go on field trips. But mostly, they do what kids do everywhere: they have fun.

There are some up sides to being in shelter. There is always someone to play with and always someone to talk to. It seems that boredom isn’t an option for our kids; there are too many things going on and too many fun possibilities.

Kids in shelter also have the opportunity to spend time with the Children’s Therapist. This can be very fun; working through issues and obstacles doesn’t have to be a chore.  It can be done through art and play and is just as therapeutic and long lasting as other traditional forms of therapy. This time with the therapist allows the children time to focus on themselves, and their needs, and to work through the issues of the trauma that has gone on in their lives.

I’m grateful we’re able to provide the children with everything they need so that they can focus on what they need to be doing: just being kids.

Kids and Philanthropy

Chandler

One of the best parts of my job is getting to meet our donors and connecting with those who care about our work as much as I do. I really love to meet the young people who are learning about philanthropy in a very real way.

Kids learn about us through their schools, many which are now requiring a certain number of community service hours for graduation.  For some, it’s a family tradition. Others just want to give back and choose us as their recipient. We work to accommodate the interests of each of these kids. Most often, they come up with something really special on their own.

One such young person is Chandler, whose grandmother gives him $10 for every “A” he receives in the school year. Last year he saved all the “A” money he received, $300 to be exact, and he went out and bought items from our Urgent Needs List to donate to us. We were thrilled when he brought in mountains of toilet paper, diapers and paper towels, among other items.

We have had several kids who asked their birthday party guests for a donation to Hope House in lieu of gifts. How special to be able to put others’ needs before your own, especially on your birthday. I know that is so difficult to do at any age.

Playground built by Justin

We’ve had boys working on their Eagle Scout projects that choose wonderful projects at Hope House. Most recently we had Justin, 15, who completely renovated our playground on the Independence campus. He turned a blank space into a wonderful play space for the kids in shelter.

Young people are able to connect with others in need in ways that are so uplifting and truly inspirational to me. I’ve realized that you’re never too young to want to help others, and it’s our job to help these kids attain their goals to help those in need.

Early Childhood Program

Hope House is committed to providing services to both children and their mothers. Often the services we offer to children also benefit mom. Our Early Childhood Program is an example of such a service.

The Early Childhood program offers licensed daycare for those children who reside in our shelter. It offers mom an opportunity to go to work or school without having to worry about the care her children are receiving, and it’s safe and fun for the kids.

A main goal of ours is for the kids to have the opportunity to be kids; to play and not have the worries that have plagued their family prior to coming into shelter. Our daycare offers this opportunity.

The rooms all meet licensing requirements and are stocked with age-appropriate toys that help the kids in their development. Kids spend time learning their colors, their ABCs and their numbers, and have an opportunity to work on their gross and fine motor skills.

It is wonderful to tour the daycare and hear the kids laughing and sharing with each other, or to go at naptime and see all of them nestled on their cots with their favorite toy or blanket to keep them company.

We are able to offer our staff a limited number of slots for childcare; it’s a benefit for staff, as well as another source of earned income for Hope House. An added benefit is that the shelter children are given the opportunity to play with other children who have not been traumatized. It has been an unexpected blessing for us as we are able to support our staff and clients at the same time.

To know that we are playing a part in helping kids recover from trauma and helping them reclaim their childhood is such an important part of our work. We are very proud of our program and the quality of services that we offer the children.

The Holiday Store

Struggling through leaving a relationship and working through the painful issue of domestic violence is never easy, but it can be especially difficult at the holiday times.

We provide a Holiday Store at each of our locations so that both shelter and outreach clients are able to “shop” for gifts for their children and children get to “shop” for their mom. This is a great way for the moms to make the holiday special for their children, even if it is different from their past celebrations.

We help both the moms and the kids work through the difficulties and begin the healing process, and encourage them to take a moment to have fun and not worry about all of the stressors in their lives. If we can help make the holiday special, and make them feel like life is back to “normal”, then we have accomplished a lot.

Creating new traditions and new beginnings is a wonderful way to celebrate the season. So if you are looking for ways to get involved this holiday season, think of Hope House and the clients we serve. We would love to have you help us in giving our clients the special holiday season they so deserve.  

For ideas on how to help, visit our website www.hopehouse.net (click on Ways to Give, then Donate Items) or call 816-461-4188, ext. 0 and ask for our holiday wish list. 

Kids' Birthdays in Shelter

Photograph from pxleyes.wordpress.com

Do you remember what it was like to celebrate your birthday as a child? For some of us there was anticipation of presents; perhaps a party with balloons, streamers and party hats. Of course there was a cake with candles and ice cream, and friends and family taking pictures and singing Happy Birthday.

I believe birthdays are a precious thing and need to be celebrated to the fullest. It is your special day and for 24 hours you get to be reminded of just how wonderful you are.

At Hope House we work very hard to ensure that everyone realizes just how special they are every day, but especially on their birthdays. With the help and generosity of our donors, we have new toys and gifts available so Moms can pick out the perfect presents and wrap them for their birthday child. Kids are able to do the same thing for their moms who are celebrating their special day.

We had a donor that loved birthdays and always made them very special for her children. When she passed, her children set up a fund in her name that is to be used to purchase birthday cakes for kids who are in shelter. This allows these kids the opportunity to blow out the candles on a decorated cake, and have a group of people sing a rousing “Happy Birthday to You”. They get to have a very special moment that is theirs alone.

Coming to Shelter

Coming to shelter can be one of the most intimidating steps a survivor takes on her road to escape abuse. Leaving behind all that she knows and all that she has can be scary.

The first couple of days in shelter will be spent adjusting to the new routines and getting oriented. Kids will need to be enrolled in school, if the decision is made to change schools. If she decides to keep the kids in their home school, that school is contacted to arrange transportation for the child.

Our goal is to make the shelter environment as home-like as possible. We want to make sure she and her children have stability, and feel safe and secure. We provide everything that they need: toilet paper, paper towels, tooth paste, shampoo and other personal care items, clothing, and meals. Residents don’t have to worry about spending money on these things because we are able to get most of the items donated by our caring community.

Each woman in shelter is assigned an Advocate. The advocates work with her to identify her strengths, areas of need, her goals, and obstacles to accomplishing her goals. To help her on that path, we offer individual and group counseling (for both women and children), parenting support and substance abuse counseling.

We do not have a set length of stay for shelter. We feel strongly that everyone’s needs are different. It’s difficult to say that in 60 days a woman will have her needs addressed and now it’s time for her to leave shelter.

We do not tell women what to do or what to think, but help them to determine what they want for themselves as they begin their journey toward a life free of abuse.

Mother's Day is May 9th

Mother’s Day is celebrated the second Sunday in May and falls on May 9^th this year. It is a time for all of us to pause and honor our mothers and celebrate the time that we have with them and all that they do for us.

SPENDING A HOLIDAY IN SHELTER

Holidays at Hope House are celebrated with mixed emotions and Mother’s Day is no exception. The women who are in our services are struggling with the fact that their family is not as they wish it to be, and their lives are in crisis. To have that coupled with a holiday can be extremely difficult, but very positive as well.

We do our best to make the holidays a wonderful time where everyone feels special. We want them to be able to celebrate the holiday with the joy and enthusiasm they would if their circumstances were different. Our hope is that everyone can experience the holiday as it is meant to be experienced: in celebration of their own mothers, and for those who are mothers themselves, a chance to celebrate with their children.

KIDS CAN "SHOP" FOR GIFTS FOR THEIR MOM

We are fortunate to benefit from the generosity of the community and are able to have gifts for mothers on Mother’s Day. Kids are able to “shop” for their moms and have a gift for her on her special day without having to worry about money or how they will get their gift for mom.  Groups often volunteer to put together gift bags and dinner for our shelter clients, hoping to make the day memorable for those who will be spending it with us in shelter.

HONOR YOUR MOM THIS MOTHER'S DAY

Every Mother’s Day Hope House gives you the opportunity to honor those special mothers in your life by making a gift to Hope House. In turn, Hope House will send a Mother’s Day card to those women letting them know that a life-saving gift has been made to Hope House in their honor.

In order for cards to arrive by Mother’s Day, the mailing address of your honoree must be local (Kansas City area) and we must receive your gift electronically before Friday, May 7 at noon. If you are interested in learning more about this opportunity, follow this link or email Lee at lmarlin@hopehouse.net.