Lesson Learned From Clinton - Stop The Victim Blaming

With the tragic loss of Sandra Sutton (in Clinton, Missouri) due to domestic violence, there has been more discussion about domestic violence, how does it happen, why does it happen, why don’t people leave, and why don’t they call the police. There are so many questions because domestic violence is so complicated. There are no easy answers and the answers can challenge our way of thinking and shatter our vision of a peaceful and happy existence.

If someone has never experienced domestic violence or been exposed to it, the thought that someone who is supposed to love another person could hurt them in a violent way is hard to understand and wrap your arms around. The thought that someone could be kept in a box for months is something that even those of us who work in the field of domestic violence have to take a break and regroup. It takes your breath away as you imagine that horror. It made me sick to my stomach to imagine the horror she experienced. It made me cry.

That type of act is hideous and unthinkable. But yet, it happened here in our state of Missouri. This is the case we know about. Unfortunately, it is probably happening to someone else and we just don’t know it.

But why does it happen? Why does a relationship get so out of control?

That is where the difficulty in understanding comes in. There are so many reasons. But, even when you hear the reasons, it is hard to make sense of it. Even if you understand the origin and the thought process, coming to terms with such heinous acts is difficult.  How does a person get so out of control that he does something like that to his partner? Then, the even more unthinkable happens; she gets away and he hunts her down and murders her and her 17-year-old son.

How does someone do that? How does someone become so filled with hate and rage that they can do that? The answer is so simple, yet very complex – power and control. He had to have complete power over his partner, he went to unimaginable lengths to control her, and when he lost that control he committed the ultimate act of domestic violence: murder to regain that power and control. If he couldn’t control her and have complete power over her, then no one else would either, especially her. He wouldn’t allow her to make her own decisions and to live her life the way she wanted. He made sure of that when he murdered her and her son.

The important thing to remember is, it was not her fault!

She is not responsible for being murdered or kept in a box. She escaped and he tracked her down and he killed her. She is not to be blamed for this horrible act. It doesn’t matter if she called the police or didn’t call the police, or if she filed for a protection order or didn’t file for one. It was NOT her fault.

We cannot blame the victim for the things that happen to them. We must focus the attention on the perpetrator of the violence and the crime. But yet, somehow in domestic violence situations we blame the victim. We look at what she did or didn’t do and make it somehow her fault instead of looking at the perpetrator and placing the responsibility there and there alone.

If we are ever going to end domestic violence, it will be when we hold perpetrators accountable and break the cycle of violence. We must take responsibility as a society that domestic violence is allowed to happen. Whether it is a push, punch or kept locked-up in a box; it is wrong and must be stopped. We must work together to address the issue, we must shift the conversation from why didn’t she leave, why didn’t she call the police, get a protection order, to violence is not okay, and we must stop it. We must not allow our conversations to continue the abuse of the victim by blaming her, and we must all agree that violence is never the answer, violence is not okay.

If you want to learn more about domestic violence and the resources that are available and how you can help, please visit www.hopehouse.net. If you are in need of help please call the metro domestic violence hotline: 816-HOTLINE.

It's No Laughing Matter: Part III

One of this year’s “funny” Halloween costumes was Ray and Janay Rice. Sadly, there are also images of children in Rice jerseys dragging toy dolls with painted black eyes. Janay Rice posted a response stating, “It’s sad that my suffering amuses others.”

Too often domestic violence becomes the butt of jokes to amuse others. Domestic violence happens every day. It happens here. And, it’s no laughing matter!

This month, Hope House is sharing advocate stories leading up to #GivingTuesday on December 2nd to show DV is real (click here to see Part I and Part II). This week’s story comes from Tanya:

"The client was upset that it had gotten to a point where her abuser physically hurt her. She had already taken so much verbal abuse and manipulation. But, one day, it escalated. She wanted to go out with some friends, but he wouldn’t have it. They got into an argument. He threw out the typical manipulative terms. This time, she stood up to him. But, then he shoved her. When she fell down, he proceeded to lean over her and threaten her even more, telling her she was lucky he didn’t hit her harder.”
Most domestic violence begins with verbal abuse and/or manipulation. Abuse is abuse. If it’s a verbal put-down, a shove, or smack - It’s abuse. Next week on #GivingTuesday, Hope House will spend $3,660 for 122 people to stay in our shelter. Please stand with Hope House on December 2 to show domestic violence is real and #ItsNoLaughingMatter. Donate and share this message with others.

Guest Blogger Chad Leabo Rants about Domestic Violence

Each time I hear about the way society views domestic violence it get’s my blood pressure up. Here in the west we do a lot of finger-wagging at cultures where women are not treated with the respect we think they should be afforded. I’m calling us (the western world) out on that.

Is it worse that girls in Africa are kidnapped for going to school? Yes. Is it worse that, in less-evolved parts of the Islamic world, girls are beaten or killed for going to school or learning to read? Yes. Is it worse that in many cultures, where arranged marriages exist and someone marries for love, ignoring the families’ social contracts, the woman is then killed to protect the family honor? Yes. Is it worse in places where girls are sold into sexual slavery? Yes (though it happens here too). Is it worse in south Asia and the middle-east that a woman can legally be punished for the “crime” of being raped. Absolutely.

However, as bad those places may be--and the treatment of women is abhorrent in those places in my opinion--we have a long, long way to go here as well.

Take the recent murder of a five year old girl in Leavenworth, KS last week. I’ve been following domestic violence (DV) related stories for years now, due to my wife’s job at Hope House. I can spot them in the news with a high degree of accuracy. You can too. When the report came out that a man had allegedly kidnapped a child and was led on a chase and he then allegedly killed the child when police had cornered him. I knew the story. It’s not unusual in cases of DV, especially if the woman is in the process of leaving, for the abuser to take her or even her kids out. That’s the most lethal time, when he thinks she is going to leave. It’s about control. Killing the mother’s kids is the ultimate abuse to a mother. Killing the mother herself is the ultimate control.

Women rarely get murdered. When they do, a vast majority of the time, DV is a factor. Then the victim blaming begins. This is the part that bothers me the most. I try to not read the reader comments on news stories because of the depressing ignorance and vengeance-airing that occurs in such forums. However, as I read that story’s comments I was not surprised by the comments of “why didn’t she leave him?” and, “they should charge her (the mother) too (in the death of the little girl).” In DV nobody every asks, “Why didn’t he stop abusing her?”

In DV situations where a man is abusing a woman, statistically she will leave seven times before actually leaving for good. Like I said, the time when she is leaving is highly dangerous. It’s a time of high lethality. If she has kids, whether they are his or not, she may come back or delay leaving for good because she may figure if she has to take a beating so her kids have a place to live, so be it. That’s sad but kind of admirable in a way. But one must remember that DV is learned behavior. Both parties likely witnessed it growing up. If you see that as part of life, you accept it, right or wrong.

Many people hide behind traditional social norms of the man being in charge. Many hide behind religious beliefs for women being subservient to men. But, when you strip it all away, are those views any less wrong than honor killings (which are backed up for the same reasons)?

Recently the NFL gave Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice a slap on the wrist for knocking his the fiancée unconscious at an Atlantic City casino. He got a two game suspension. Two games. Had he been busted for steroids he’d have gotten twice that. What does that teach little boys about consequences? What does that teach little girls about their value? She didn’t press charges. Why didn’t she press charges? Remember this is learned behavior. This is part of life for her. Sadly I predict she will be hit again. Will she live in luxury? Yes, not that that matters in the long run. Most women who are survivors of DV do not live that lifestyle.

They live in your neighborhood. They work with you. They go to church with you. They’re in some part of your family. About 50 percent of the human population of planet Earth is carrying XX chromosomes (that means they’re women FYI). One in four of those women will experience some type of DV (emotional, or physical) in her lifetime. Those are your daughters, friends, nieces (my wife and I have five nieces), granddaughters...DV crosses all socio-economic and racial lines. Let us not throw away half of the population.

Breaking the cycle of DV is the most important part of fixing the problem. Boys who witness abuse are more than twice as likely to be abusers. Yet programs, which try to intervene and mitigate the damage done to these young witnesses, are poorly funded and not far-reaching enough. At times it’s like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with rocks.

Shelters are the last resort for victims of DV. Survivors go there after they’ve exhausted all other options, like family and friends. In the KC metro, organizations like Hope House, Rosebrooks, Safehome, etc., also serve as court advocates, and have legal outreach programs too. They help get women out of dangerous situations. It would be awesome if places like those didn’t have to exist. But they do. No court advocate or anyone on their legal team has a day without multiple cases. Not one bed goes unused in the shelter. Ever.

Supporting entities which try to stop or prevent domestic violence is not sexy. The DV shelter in your community is not fancy. It needs money to keep its doors open. Not your cast-off out of date clothes and broken TVs. The well-heeled in your city don’t get giddy over having their name on the building which protects abused humans. The DV shelter in your community is not a warm and fuzzy charity. Domestic violence is a scary, disturbing and sometimes confusing topic. It is real life and death. I sometimes wonder if Sarah McLachlan (who I love) did PSAs which showed women (and men) with broken wrists, bruised faces, and cigarette burned skin if it would help. Probably not. The ignorant would blame the victim again. It takes time to break out of DV relationships. Sometimes people need a little help. Stop blaming the victims and let them become survivors.

Parents it’s up to you. Your kids are little sponges. Teach them respect. Teach them to communicate. Teach them boundaries. Teach them right and wrong. Give your kids good examples. It’s on you. In the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, “…teach your children well.”

Chad Leabo

NO MORE Week

 

March 17 – 21 marked the inaugural week of awareness: NO MORE Week.

NO MORE Week is all about getting people to stand up and speak out against domestic and sexual violence. The campaign offers the entire nation a platform from which to be heard, asking for participants from all 52 states. Supporters are encouraged to download posters pronouncing “NO MORE. I say no more because…” leaving it to the individual to fill in the blank with either their personal feelings of or experiences with the issue of domestic violence. You can also upload a photo to the NO MORE website or on social media with a statement about what moves you to end domestic violence.

The result has been astounding—a very personal, minute by minute glimpse into hundreds of stories—each one extraordinarily personal, each one compelling, and each one poignant and purposeful. To look at some of the photographic essays, go to noomore.org/gallery or check out the social media sites at facebook.com/nomore.org and twitter.com/nomore.org, hashtag #nomoreweek.

NO MORE has given a global voice to a global problem, enrolling corporations and individuals alike. They’ve instigated conversations on a broad spectrum incorporating healthy relationships, teen dating and advocacy, and have brought DV as a health and business priority into focus. In its first year, NO MORE has gained an enormous following and obtained a reach that is unprecedented and impressive. It’s taken the conversation to a new level—not just about those in violent situations, but domestic violence as a topic of concern for everyone.

NO MORE may have started out as just a unifying symbol for domestic violence and sexual assault, but their work has generated support and resources to help existing organizations in a very real and meaningful way. Over the past week, major corporations joined forces and pledged millions of dollars to help end domestic violence and sexual assault as part of a major effort to increase support in the private sector. For many of these corporations, this is the first time they have taken on this issue—an issue that many have stayed clear of in the past. 

The corporate commitments announced this week include:

• Allstate Foundation—50 percent increase in funding for financial empowerment services benefiting domestic violence survivors.
• Avon Foundation for Women—3 grants focusing on prevention and intervention training tools.
• Finn Partners—Pro bono communications and public relations counsel for the NO MORE symbol and movement
• GUESS? Inc. / GUESS Foundation—Investment to support Peace Over Violence’s annual sexual violence awareness campaign, Denim Day.
• Jazz Pharmaceuticals—Donation to the NO MORE public awareness efforts.
• Mary Kay—$1 million to the loveisrespect text for help service as well as $100,000 to support Break the Cycle’s, “NO MORE Silence: It’s Time To Talk Day”.
• USA Network—Will air a 16-hour “NO MORE Silence” marathon of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit (SVU) on April 27, 2014 to commemorate National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.
• Valeant Pharmaceuticals—Donating a goal of $1 million from sales of its aesthetic injectable, Obagi, and dermatology products to support the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
• Verizon Wireless—$75,000 to support Break the Cycle’s “It’s Time To Talk Day,” including a teen dating violence prevention PSA.
• Viacom—Will produce and disseminate new, NO MORE PSAs, co-directed by Founder & President of the Joyful Heart Foundation, Actress Mariska Hargitay.

All of this occurred during NO MORE Week. As I said, it is astounding and it’s been very effective. 

Learn more at nomore.org.

International Women’s Day - March 8th

This year, International Women’s Day is focused on inspiring change. The UN’s theme is Equality for Women is Progress for All. For us, the change or progress we advocate year round is to end domestic violence. And we're not alone...

Tomorrow there will be events worldwide, celebrating women and inspiring others to get involved. Some women-focused companies are leading the way when it comes to connecting International Women’s Day and the issue of domestic violence. When it comes to speaking out, both Avon and Mary Kay are leading the way.

Avon has celebrated the day by advancing the cause to end domestic violence through its Foundation for Women, celebrity promotional videos and ads, their annual Communication Awards which give accolades to those who speak out against domestic violence and by selling bracelets to raise funds for the cause.

Mary Kay is also committed to changing the lives of women and children by helping to end and prevent domestic violence through The Mary Kay Foundation, sponsoring groundbreaking documentaries on the subject, lobbying congress and sponsoring events like this year's Make Over Day—offering complimentary makeovers to women across the nation on March 8th, International Women's Day.

Locally, MK Studio is doing a Makeover Day Saturday, March 8th, to support Hope House. MK Studio has set a goal to give 100 Makeovers in one day -- Advanced Glamour Makeovers at 10am and Classic Glamour Makeovers at 1:30pm and 3:30pm. Guests are asked to bring any of the following items to donate to Hope House: Toilet paper, paper towels, baby wipes, adult and children’s Tylenol. MK Studio will also have specials during the day to benefit Hope House. MK Studio, 410 SE 3rd Street, Lee’s Summit, MO.  For a free makeover call (816) 797.8013 to secure your spot.

For more information about International Women's Day go to internationalwomensday.com. 

Happy International Women’s Day! Go celebrate and make it count!

Point In Time Survey

The National Network Against Domestic Violence has released the results from their 7th annual Point In Time Study. This study is done once a year, to calculate the number of people across the country who are receiving domestic violence services on a given day. In 2012 the study was conducted on September 12th and 1,646 out of 1,924 or 86 % of the programs across the country participated in the study. For the 7th year in row, Missouri’s 67 programs had 100% participation! This study gives us the opportunity to talk about the need in our country, and to highlight the services that are offered. It also allows us to see the unmet need and what work still needs to be done. We have information to discuss with our elected officials about what is being done and what still needs to be done to address the needs of a very vulnerable population.

In Missouri on September 12, 2012, 2,123 victims found safety in emergency shelters or transitional housing across the state. Of the 2,123 served on that day Hope House provided services to 131 of them. Missouri programs were able to provide 672 adults and children with non-residential assistance including groups and individual counseling. Hope House provided services to 45 of those 672. That same day, 494 hotline calls were answered, 12 were made to Hope House. Unfortunately across the state of Missouri, 416 people were turned away due to lack of capacity, 60 of them from Hope House. The report shows that 57% of unmet requests were for emergency shelter and transitional housing.

The national numbers are astounding to comprehend; 35,323 victims across the country received safe shelter, 29,001 received non-residential services and 20,821 hotline calls were answered and there were 10,471 unmet requests for services. Reports from the other programs were consistent with what we are seeing at Hope House, the economy has definitely impacted the number of people seeking services and resources in the community are down. The need continues to be overwhelming across our country. We have also seen numbers of program services reduced due to programs having to cut back on services due to funding shortages.

Kim Gandy, CEO of NNEDV writes:

·         The report revealed that reduced funding for domestic violence services means that programs are unable to help survivors with shelter, attain legal help, or leave abusive partners. The economic conditions of the past few years have had a significant impact on domestic violence programs.  “Cutting funds to domestic violence programs means that victims have fewer places to turn,” “It is impossible to hold offenders accountable and provide safe havens for victims with reduced funding for services and shelters.  Budget cuts at the local, state, and federal level are creating increased danger to victims and their children.”

·         Additionally, the pending funding cuts resulting from the sequester also worry victim advocates. According to recent analysis, sequestration will result in approximately 70,000 fewer victims getting help from domestic violence programs and approximately 36,000 fewer victims having access to protection orders, crisis intervention and counseling, sexual assault services, hospital-based advocacy, transitional housing services, and help with civil legal matters.

·         As programs are cutting staff, reducing hours, and cutting back on services due to lack of funds, the true harm is to domestic violence victims. “Across the country, domestic violence programs are working harder than ever to help victims of abuse,” added Gandy. “But we also know that, across the board, funding for victim services is dwindling while the demand is climbing.”

So we continue to be challenged by the ever increasing need, and we will continue to rise above the challenge and meet the needs of those we serve. Together we can make a difference and we will continue to work hard on behalf of survivors and work to end the violence.

Domestic Violence from Guest Blogger and DV Detective

In May 2011, I took over as the Blue Springs Police Domestic Violence Detective. Since given this great opportunity I’ve dedicated my efforts to do anything in my power to end the cycle of domestic violence in Blue Springs. 

My passion to help survivors of domestic violence didn’t start when I took over as the Blue Springs Police Domestic Violence Detective, but my position helped me realize the power that I had to save lives through my investigations and interactions with survivors. I found that my past experience as a patrol officer—being involved in a shooting while responding to a domestic assault—and my quest for justice was very similar to the survivors of domestic violence with whom I work. That connection, even though different, allowed me to see through the eyes of a survivor seeking justice.

I’ve used my training and past experiences to help develop goals to end the cycle of domestic violence. I’ve realized that I first must provide social awareness of the prevalence and seriousness of domestic violence. I understand the importance of educating patrol officers on the best practices for handling domestic disputes and ensuring that survivors are given information on the resources available to assist them.  Once assigned a new case, I know I must contact survivors as soon as possible after the initial report is taken and share my understanding and concern for the traumatic situation that they have been involved in. I then must gather the evidence and explain the legal process.

I’ve quickly found that there are many barriers to reaching my goal of ending the cycle of domestic violence. First, how do we reach those victims that don’t call for assistance?  How do we prosecute a case when the victim refuses to assist in prosecution? How do I ensure that officers are gathering all the evidence needed to build an investigation? How do we better track subjects placed on probation?

We haven't ended the cycle of domestic violence yet but, with the assistance of our court advocate from Hope House and the patrol officers on the road, we are identifying those at greatest risk of violence and abusers prone to commit those acts of violence. Through ongoing training we have improved how officers handle and report those domestic disputes. Patrol officers are linking survivors of intimate partner domestic assaults to Hope House advocates through the Lethality Assessment Program. Patrol officers are making arrests of the primary physical aggressor if probable cause exists even if the survivor is not willing to sign a complaint at the time. The municipal court is holding five separate domestic violence dockets per month to ensure that victims get justice as soon as possible. The Blue Springs Police Dispatch supervisor has begun entering the information of subjects placed on municipal probation into the Regional Justice Information Service computer system.

With the continued support from the Blue Springs Police Department and our partners at Hope House, survivors of domestic violence are getting the support they need and tools to escape their dangerous situations. Together we are ending the cycle of domestic violence.