It's No Laughing Matter: Part I

What’s sad is the fact that Hope House found this online as part of a satirical social media page.

From now to #GivingTuesday, December 2, Hope House would like to present the real side of domestic violence. Too many jokes are made these days of domestic violence. But, our advocates see the pain and hardship of it every day.

Take Stefanie for instance. She is an advocate who visited the hospital several times as part of Hope House’s BridgeSPAN program. View her story below:

“It was the middle of the night. The pager went off, so I responded to one of our hospitals. When I got there, the female victim was there on the hospital bed sitting upright. I greeted her and the police officer with a smile. Shortly after introducing myself and hearing her story, the doctor came in. He proceeded to take out a staple-gun to close the gash in her head where her husband had hit her with something similar to a baton. I’ve never seen something like that before and never want to again.”

As part of Hope House’s #GivingTuesday campaign, we are asking you to stand up and show that you know domestic violence is real. Hope House will spend $3,660 to pay for 122 bed stays in our shelter on #GivingTuesday. Please help us December 2 (Can't wait until then? Give now by clicking here)!  

What Is Abuse?

I am very aware of how differently that question can be answered depending on who is answering and their frame of reference. I want to spend time today talking about physical abuse. This seems to be what most people think about when they think about domestic violence although it is only one form of abuse that domestic violence victims suffer.

The definition of physical abuse in Wikipedia is: abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.

Most often when we think of physical abuse we think of some very obvious ways such as hitting, punching, slapping, pushing, and choking. However there are other less thought of forms of physical abuse such as biting, denying needed medical care, depriving a person of sleep, or forcing someone to use drugs or alcohol against their will as well as attempts to drown, exposure to heat and cold, and poison. Unfortunately, the ways that abusers physically abuse their partners makes a long list. The clients that we serve have experienced all of these types of abuse, and more.

What we know from our experience in this work is that the abuse often doesn’t start as physical; it often starts as emotional abuse and then over time progresses into the physical realm. Research also shows that as the relationship continues, the abuse will most likely become progressively worse and intensify in severity. What may start out as a push or slap will most likely progress to shoving, punching and worse.

Much of our work with clients focuses on education and safety planning. We want to put them in the best position to make the necessary decisions about their lives and their future. Understanding the abuse is the first step in moving toward a life free of abuse.

Awareness Week for Crime Victims and Volunteers

This week we recognize and appreciate two very important groups of people: crime victims and volunteers. During this week we have an opportunity to pause and reflect on those in our country who have been victimized by crime and to honor those who offer service to them.

It seems fitting to me that we should honor these groups during the same week as they seem to go hand in hand, especially at Hope House. We provide vital services to victims of crime, and we could not begin to do what we do without the assistance of volunteers in every aspect of our agency.

The theme for this year's Crime Victims Awareness Week also seems appropriate for us at Hope House: “Reshaping the Future and Honoring the Past”. We are settling into our new Therapy Building, and enjoying the newly renovated Shelter, and Court and Legal Services Building. We are also celebrating the new Community Partnership Building. There we are creating new relationships with our community volunteers and offering them a place to give of their talents and services.

As we strive to do every day, we will continue to honor and serve the individuals who have been victimized as they work to put their lives back together. We will continue to be thankful for the wonderful and committed volunteers who help us provide life saving services every day. We couldn’t, nor would we want to, do it without them.

Both groups of individuals enlighten us and enrich us through their experiences and their strengths. We honor them and continue our commitment to break the cycle of domestic violence.

Early Childhood Program

Hope House is committed to providing services to both children and their mothers. Often the services we offer to children also benefit mom. Our Early Childhood Program is an example of such a service.

The Early Childhood program offers licensed daycare for those children who reside in our shelter. It offers mom an opportunity to go to work or school without having to worry about the care her children are receiving, and it’s safe and fun for the kids.

A main goal of ours is for the kids to have the opportunity to be kids; to play and not have the worries that have plagued their family prior to coming into shelter. Our daycare offers this opportunity.

The rooms all meet licensing requirements and are stocked with age-appropriate toys that help the kids in their development. Kids spend time learning their colors, their ABCs and their numbers, and have an opportunity to work on their gross and fine motor skills.

It is wonderful to tour the daycare and hear the kids laughing and sharing with each other, or to go at naptime and see all of them nestled on their cots with their favorite toy or blanket to keep them company.

We are able to offer our staff a limited number of slots for childcare; it’s a benefit for staff, as well as another source of earned income for Hope House. An added benefit is that the shelter children are given the opportunity to play with other children who have not been traumatized. It has been an unexpected blessing for us as we are able to support our staff and clients at the same time.

To know that we are playing a part in helping kids recover from trauma and helping them reclaim their childhood is such an important part of our work. We are very proud of our program and the quality of services that we offer the children.

Does a Victim Ever Feel Safe?

I am often asked if a victim of domestic violence ever feels safe. From my perspective the answer isn’t a simple one - just like everything else with domestic violence. The hard truth is that many survivors of domestic violence do not ever fully feel safe. They take steps to protect themselves and to free themselves from their abuser, but are constantly looking over their shoulders and always on alert.

If children are involved there can be a level of fear the entire time the parents have to have interaction regarding the children. Children can be used as a means of control and if custody orders require visits then interaction can be frequent and the level of fear more constant.

Women have fled their home states and moved across the country only to be found and the torment to start again. The feeling of safety ebbs away even more each time a phone number has to be changed or relocation is necessary. Even work can be a place of fear if the abuser knows the location and waits in the parking lot for his current or former partner to walk to her car at lunch or after work.

Women have told me that they only felt safe while their abuser was in prison or after their abuser passed away. Only then did the feeling of safety truly come to them.

Yes, some survivors of domestic violence are able to feel safe and go about their lives without the feeling of constant fear. I am happy for them and thankful for whatever part Hope House or other services might have played in helping that become a reality.

The sad fact is that the level of fear can depend on the abuser and his willingness to stop the abuse. Is he willing to stop tormenting her and let her live her life in peace? The responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim. His actions, and the level at which he is held accountable for those actions, make all the difference.

Donations and Urgent Needs

Can you imagine the amount of supplies it takes to meet the needs of 104 women and children every day? Well, I can tell you it takes a lot!

We do not charge our clients for our services or for the supplies they receive. It is important that they use their resources for things like school, rent, and gas to get work, etc. They do not need to be worrying about buying things like deodorant, toothpaste and shampoo.

Thankfully, neither do we. We do not have to budget for toilet paper, paper towels, diapers and other household needs. If we did, we know we would have to cut some of our services to accommodate the increase in the expenses.

Our supply of household items comes to us in a variety of ways. Individuals and groups will hold drives to bring in needed items; others have hosted parties with admission being a package of toilet paper or bottle of shampoo. Others learn of our needs through our Urgent Needs List, an email list of people who have asked to be alerted when we have an urgent need. We send out the need and instantly people respond. If you'd like to be added to our Urgent Needs List, please email us at blog@hopehouse.net.

We have several easy ways for you to help us get the supplies we need:

1) Go to our wishlist on http://www.amazon.com/ and have the items shipped to us. Seach for Hope House under Wish List, then look for our familiar logo. 

2) Go to our website http://www.hopehouse.net/ and click on the Donate Now button. We will purchase the items ourselves with your donation.

3) Send/bring us gift cards for WalMart, Target or any place that sells the items we need.

Here are some items that are currently urgent needs. This list is also found on our website and is updated as needs change.

Paper Towels
Toilet paper
Adult cold medicine (all kinds)
Pillows
Towels

Wash cloths

Combs/brushes

Size 4 diapers

Ethnic hair care products

We are extremely grateful to the members of our communities who give so generously to help us meet these needs. Without all of you, we would have to turn our resources to these daily needs, rather than focusing on the services which help people deal with the pressing issues in their lives.

Point In Time Survey

The National Network Against Domestic Violence (NNEDV) has released the results from their 5th annual Point In Time Study. This study is done once a year, to calculate the number of people across the country who are receiving domestic violence services on a given day (September 15, 2010).

This study gives us the opportunity to talk about the need in our country, and to highlight the services that are offered. It also allows us to see the unmet need and what work still needs to be done. This gives us information to discuss with our elected officials in order to address the needs of a very vulnerable population.

The national numbers are astounding to comprehend:

• 70,648 victims across the country received safe shelter.
• 33,129 received non-residential services.
• 23,522 hotline calls were answered
• 9,541 requests for services were unmet.

In Missouri on that day:

• 2,114 victims found safety in emergency shelters or transitional housing.
• 740 adults and children received non-residential services including groups and individual counseling.
• 286 people across the state were turned away due to lack of capacity.

Reports from the other programs were consistent with what we are seeing at Hope House: the economy has definitely impacted the number of people seeking services and resources in the community are down. The need continues to be overwhelming across our country.

The NNEDV website (www.nnedv.org ) reports: Across the nation on September 15, 2010, three women were murdered by their intimate partners. 36 babies were born to mothers living in domestic violence shelters. 391 survivors started new jobs. Three men committed suicide – one after murdering his wife, another after a failed attempt to kill his girlfriend, and the third after holding his partner hostage and a standoff with the police.

So we continue to be challenged by the ever increasing need, and we will continue to rise above the challenge and meet the needs of those we serve.

Why Do They Stay?

Our guest blogger this week is Kerry Oliver, Hope House Board Member.

It’s the BIG DAY in your life and you are marrying the man of your dreams! Your family is all there, you’ve spent more money on the wedding and reception than you planned, but it’s all going to be worth it. You have a few things that are in the back of your mind that are not quite what you expected from the man of your dreams, but you are thinking that will change after you are married.

As the months and years go by, the control of what you are allowed to wear, where you are allowed to go, who you are allowed to talk to, when you can see your family… first it felt like he really cared and really loved you.  But as the look in his eyes became more foreboding and his grip on your arm started to leave bruises, you are thinking this is not quite what you expected from the man of your dreams.

After he hits you for the first time, his tears come, he apologizes, says he didn’t know what came over him and his kindness makes your life together feel better than ever. You feel you have turned the corner into the arms of the man of your dreams.

He hits you again. This time there’s no tears and no apology. He says it’s your fault. Hmmmm? Did you do something different? Is there some rule or boundary you have violated? You know marriage is about give and take, and sharing responsibilities….ok, maybe it was my fault. You say you are sorry, but you are thinking this is not quite what you expected from the man of your dreams.

The fear that keeps you awake at night, praying that you have done nothing wrong that will set him off, is with you constantly. Your job is at risk, you have no friends left to talk with about what you are going through, and your family knows something is wrong but not quite sure what it is because you are distant and embarrassed. You told everyone that this is the man of your dreams.

When you finally realize that the life you are living is not a life at all and that the hitting and abuse is not your fault, you make plans to leave. They are very secret plans, because if he finds out, you may never leave… alive. You stash cash, stash clothes, set up a separate mailing address, and find a new job so he cannot harass you at your employer. You don’t tell your family for fear they won’t understand. You will be alone. You will no longer be with the man of your dreams.

After reading this story or any other similar story, or upon hearing an abuse victim recant her story, you may be asking yourself “why did she stay?” Well, did you stay or leave after your first fight with your spouse? Did your spouse ever throw anything at you? Did your marriage ever go through a tough time when you could have left, but chose to stay and see it through?

It’s hard to admit you made a poor choice in the first place and all the harder to admit you made repeated poor choices, as I did, just to save a marriage. That was a long time ago. My long relationship with Hope House is not as a victim, but as a contributor and Board Member. My plight is to ensure that my children, friends and all the people I can touch understand domestic violence and the small ways it can start and escalate. No one should be a victim, especially to someone they believe they love.