Why They Do It -- Head Shave for Hope House

Nick Swearngin is famous for saying that the reason he started the Head Shave for Hope House event was because he wanted to shave his head and no one would let him. I think it’s true. Or at least it started out that way. As a young man, Nick worked alongside his father, then owner of John’s Barber Shop. Nick had always wanted to shave his head. His dad wouldn’t let him. Later, as a man in his thirties and after Nick had bought the barber shop, he thought surely he could shave his head now, but no. This time it was his wife that wouldn’t allow it. So Nick went about devising a way he could finally shave his head. That way was by creating a fundraiser for his wife's favorite charity—Hope House—and the event was born.

This year marks the event’s 6^th year and there are nearly twenty people participating. I’m always curious about why people do it. So I asked four first timers and here’s what they said. 

Rob Fuller - “It's something I've always believed in. No woman or child should have to live in fear and if this charity helps even one person change their life for the better, then it is worth it. I only wish I could help more people. I see that Nick is always involved and he is so passionate about this charity and he is a great role model. I would like to be involved yearly if I could, but this is the busiest time of the year for an actor and I am usually gone during this time. But if I am home, I would love to help!” Rob is an actor and bodybuilder from Lee’s Summit who has recently appeared in "The Escape Plan", "Chavez Cage of Glory" and "The Kidnapping of Freddy Heineken". 

Mark Crouse - “My sister had a tough go of it in life. Some events that happened to her were not her choice. Some seemed logical given her past. And sometimes she made bad choices. I don't know if she ever knew what healthy living looked like--not even in those around her during her childhood. She stayed at Hope House a few times. She felt safety and love there. In November of 2010, she overdosed on alcohol and pills and died. I know she would thank you for those respites of peace in her life if she could. She can't. So I am.” Mark is a Marine and KU graduate. He works for Sprint. 

Ed Croteau - "I am a great admirer of the ministry of Hope House, to care for those who are in great need and sometimes great danger. I feel honored that Nick would approach me and ask me to be part of such a cool group. Thank you for allowing me to help make a difference." Ed works at Black & Veatch and hosts a weekly study in Lee's Summit called Faith: Substance and Evidence. 

Paul Brooks - “Many of us have at least one woman in our lives that has experienced violence from her significant other. This is not a woman's cause that a few of us champion; this is a vital issue that faces all of us. It is so easy for us, especially as men, to think that domestic violence happens elsewhere, but the reality is that 1 in 3 women will experience violence in her lifetime. It is up to supporters of the cause, as well as survivors of these atrocities, to stand against domestic violence." Paul is a UMKC graduate, volunteers with MOCSA and The Whole Person, and is Secretary at Baha'l in Raytown. 

Each of the participants has their own fundraising page. Please consider donating at firstgiving.com/hopehouse. And join us for this super fun event Saturday, March 15, 10am - 4pm at Lee’s Summit Fire Fighter Association Building at 322 S.E. Douglas Street (IAFF Local 2195).

"Why don't they just leave?" Guest blog from DV Detective Nancy Willis of Raytown PD

Before stepping into the boots of Law Enforcement I had a misconception of what the job of a Police Officer was. I went into my Law enforcement career as wide eyed gal who wanted to have a really cool job, make a difference and do something meaningful with my life. When I became a Police Officer I had no idea what the job was really about. I could talk about so many aspects of the job from Crime scenes and car chases to robberies and home invasions. But I would rather focus on something more reoccurring…Domestic Violence.  

Being a new cop means taking all the high profile calls in order to gain experience. The one thing I experienced time after time was Domestic Violence calls. Whether it be an argument or whether it be an assault with serious injuries. Time after time I would go to the same house for the same thing but under different circumstance. I would ask my fellow Officer’s why don’t they just leave. The only answer I ever got was an easy one: "I dunno”. Instead of trying to understand that question I found myself becoming frustrated that I was dealing with the same people over and over again. I found myself becoming insensitive…Until I finally asked the victim’s, “Why don’t you just leave”. I got many different answers. Honest answers. From those answers, I began to share what I learned from the victims of Domestic Violence with my fellow officers. 

For many people it’s hard to understand why victims don’t leave the situation they are in. I try to tell those people that there is more to it than that. There are more things to think about after the police have left the incident and after the abuser has gone to jail. The abuser will get out of jail and the revolving door of life will be in motion once again for those victims. There are children to take care of, jobs to show up on time for and responsibilities that cannot go unattended. For those fortunate enough to escape death from an abuser their life has to go on. For the life that keeps going, Hope House is there to help pick up the pieces. Hope House is there whenever the woman needs them no matter how many times she may need them. They are always there with open arms ready for anyone. Hope House gives victim’s the tools they need to escape their abuser without disrupting their life more than it has already. Since the Police cannot stay with victims to be their body guards, Hope House can keep them safe. The victim just has to take their hand.

Every time I went to a Domestic Violence related call I offered Hope House’s services. I tell victim’s everything that Hope House could do for them so they wouldn’t be a victim any longer. I tell victim’s that the violence will progressively get worse. I tell victim’s stories of homicides that were Domestic related in hopes they will put themselves in the story and realize the seriousness of their situation. I tell they the story of “Debbie”... 

Debbie was a wonderful woman whom I had met several times while on Patrol. I was called to her house time after time because her husband had assaulted her or was being violent in the home. During one call I asked her, “why don’t you leave”? She gave me her reason. I understood her reasoning but I stressed how worried I was for her. I gave her information about Hope House then and told her they could help with any issue she was facing. I left her house that night not knowing if she had ever contacted Hope House. I got called back out to Debbie’s house again another night because her husband had assaulted her. When I went inside her house, it was in complete disarray. Her husband had blackened her eye so badly that she could not open it. I reminded Debbie of all the other times I had been there for the same reasons and made her realize that each time she was hurt worse than the last. She told me that she wanted to get away from her husband…Finally! I gave her Hope Houses information again. I know she spoke with them this time but it was up to her to follow through and take Hope House’s advice. Two months later Debbie called 911 and said her husband had just shot her. She later died at the hospital. 

I have not worked Patrol in a couple of years. I now am assigned to the Investigations Unit where I am the DV Detective. I investigate everything DV related. I work even more closely with Hope House now. The victim’s I see and talk to; Hope House see’s and talks to as well. We work together to interrupt the cycle of abuse and give the victims everything they could possibly need to take the steps toward a victimless life. I promote Hope House with great enthusiasm. I have worked and continually work with extraordinary court advocates who give all they have to making victim’s safe. I am thankful Hope House is there for these women. I am thankful for all the people who help Hope House care for these victim’s by donating much needed funds, goods and time. Without Hope House, I believe there would be more Debbie stories. Victims have options for when after the Police leave and Hope House is there to guide them. I am grateful for the relationship I have with Hope House and for their outstanding work in our fight against Domestic Violence.

Rape

There has been a lot in the media lately about victim responsibility and the culture of violence in our community. I, like many others, was horrified by the images seen on TV of a young woman unconscious and being dragged around by classmates who were laughing and enjoying themselves at her expense. What was even more horrifying to me was that that image was only the tip of the iceberg as to what happened to that young woman that evening. Two high school boys, both football stars in their town, were convicted of raping her that evening.

What is sickening to me is that those boys didn’t think they did anything wrong; they certainly didn’t believe they were guilty of rape. What is sad to me is that  the tears seen at the trial were not because they were devastated that they had done wrong and harmed this young woman and changed her life forever, but because they were found guilty and were going to go to juvenile detention for one year. Where was their recognition of the crime they had committed and their ownership of responsibility? Where was the understanding from the other young people at the party who were taking pictures, tweeting them and taking videos with their phones, that what was happening was a crime and this young woman was the victim? It doesn’t appear from the news report that there was any understanding by anyone. They thought it was funny, a joke. And it certainly doesn’t appear that anyone thought to try to stop them. One article talked about how a young man had, just moments earlier, stopped his friend from driving because he was drunk and shouldn’t be behind the wheel. He took responsibility to stop his friend from making this grave mistake, but moments later didn’t think to take that same responsibility and stop his other friends from raping an unconscious young woman. I have to ask why? Why didn’t anyone think this was wrong? 

I am also very troubled by the media coverage of this event. Why are we focusing on the victim and her responsibility in this? Yes, it appears she drank too much as it appears everyone at the party did. Also noting that everyone was underage, but that is a whole different blog topic. Because a young woman drinks too much doesn’t mean she wants to be raped. It doesn’t mean that other party goers can do whatever they want with her. It means she drank too much. Once again our society is trained to blame the victim and leave the responsibility to her, not to the perpetrators. 

What is the answer? For starters we all must stop blaming the victim. Battered women don’t ask to be abused and rape victims don’t “have it coming” because of their attire, their state of consciousness, etc. As a society we need to change our focus. What do we do to prevent rape? It isn’t about telling a woman what to wear, how to wear her hair, how to fight back or whatever other strategies we all say to our daughters and sisters and women in our lives. We stop rape by not having people rape other people. Put the responsibility where it belongs, on the perpetrator. Let’s have lists of things people can do to prevent themselves from raping others such as, if you feel like raping someone today, don’t. 

There is hope, I saw a video that showed a young woman unconscious on a couch and a young man saying, “Look at her. Let me show you what I am going to do to her.” He then proceeded to get her a pillow and a blanket to cover her up. He then said real men respect women. I am ever hopeful that message will be heard and that becomes the culture in our society.