Power and Control in Teen Dating

This week’s guest blogger is Travis Sappington, a Children’s Therapist for Hope House.

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I enjoy working with children and teenagers. I think they are genuine and they know if I am being genuine too. I have worked with children and families in domestic violence situations in our shelter services and outreach programs for over three years. My hope is that I make them feel safe so they can share whatever they need to.

Dating violence is domestic violence not yet grown up. No one deserves to be abused by anyone. Living free of abuse is a basic human right, yet many of our teens are already experiencing abuse from someone who says he loves her.

THE POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

In therapy, I use a tool called the Power and Control Wheel for Teen Dating. It illustrates the different types of behaviors an abuser uses to control his victim. Below you’ll see some of the behaviors found on the Wheel, along with actual statements clients have made to me about finding themselves in these situations.

Isolation: Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, where she goes. Controlling her extracurricular activities. Statement heard: “I haven’t hung out with my friends in forever, just with him.”

Emotional Abuse: Putting her down or making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she’s crazy. Mind games. Embarrassing her in front of her classmates. Telling lies to friends, family members, teachers, etc. Peer pressure. Statement heard: “I guess he gets upset when he can’t get a hold of me. He called my dad the other day because I didn’t answer his calls or texts. I didn’t answer because I was in class.”

Economic Abuse: Making her “pay” (usually sexually) for dates, presents, etc. Statement heard: “Yes, he has made me do things I don’t want to do!”

Sexual Abuse: Making her do sexual things against her will or before she is ready. Physically attacking the sexual parts of her body. Treating her like a sex object. Using sex after an argument to make up. Telling her that teasing him is hurting him physically. Statement heard: “Umm…I am scared because we have taken things really, really fast.”

Using Vehicle: Driving fast and/or recklessly with her in the car. Driving her to an isolated place and threatening to leave her. Statement heard: “He has only swerved or jerked the wheel a couple times. It's no big deal.”

Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her. Threaten to hurt/kill her family, friends, or pets. Statement heard: “He said he would hurt me if I would leave him.”

Using Male Privilege: Treating her like a servant. Making all the “big” decisions. Acting like the master of her in front of her friends. Statement heard: “No, I don’t pick where we eat. He always does!!”

Intimidation: Putting her in fear by using looks, threats, actions, gestures, loud voice, smashing things, destroying her property. Statement heard: “I am always anxious when I am on the phone with him. I don’t want to upset him.”

Do you know if your daughter is experiencing any of these issues? Ask her. Don’t wait for her to come to you. If you need help figuring out what to say, call the Hope House hotline at 816-461-HOPE (4673) or visit one of these websites:

http://www.loveisnotabuse.org/
http://www.loveisrespect.org/

Talking to Your Teen

With February being Teen Dating Violence Awareness month, I thought it appropriate to discuss the issue of teen dating violence more in depth. In my opinion, it is never too early to talk about relationships and appropriate behaviors in relationships with our children. So, how can adults address these issues with the teens in their lives?

TEENS TURN TO THEIR FRIENDS FOR ADVICE

How can we talk to our teens about dating violence? First we must acknowledge that teens are not going to just come to the adults in their lives to talk.

• One study reported that when female high school students were asked whom they would talk to if someone they date is attempting to control them, insults them, or physically harms them, 86% percent said they would confide in a friend, while only 7% said they would talk to police.1

• 83% of 10th graders surveyed at the 4th Annual Teen Dating Abuse Summit reported that they would sooner turn to a friend for help with dating abuse than to a teacher, counselor, parent or other caring adult.2

• Only 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about the abuse.3

ADULTS NEED TO LEAD THE WAY

This says to me that as adults, we need to be prepared to lead the way into these conversations—be prepared to not have all the answers, but be ready to find them if needed. Start the process by gathering information about dating violence. Be aware of the red flags and the signs to look for that indicate your teen could be in trouble. Know the resources available—the teen dating violence hotline number, the Hope House hotline number, and websites specifically geared toward teens. Then start the conversations.

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR TEEN

Ask your teen about their friends and what type of experiences they have had. Some examples of questions you can ask:

• How does your partner talk to you?

• Have they asked you to do anything that made you uncomfortable?

• What are your partner’s expectations in regards to sex?

• Does your partner try to control who you can spend time with when you’re away from them?

As the parent, you’re trying to determine if the relationship is a healthy one or if there are red flags. Even if you know the parents of the partner’s family, don’t assume everything is ok. We still need to ask questions. Depending on the relationship between the adult and the teen, some of these questions will be harder than others, but often the hardest part is starting the conversation.

Hopefully we can open those channels of communication with our teens. By talking to them about their relationships, we are preventing teen violence before it happens.

RESOURCES

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474
Hope House Hotline: 816-461- HOPE (4673)
Hope House website: http://www.hopehouse.net/
Teen websites: www.loveisrespect.org and www.loveisnotabuse.com

1Tiffany J. Zwicker, Education Policy Brief, “The Imperative of Developing Teen Dating Violence Prevention and Intervention Programs in Secondary Schools.” 12 Southern California Review of Law and Women’s Studies, 131, (2002).
2 The Northern Westchester Shelter, with Pace Women’s Justice Center, (April 2003).
3 Liz Claiborne Inc., Conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, (February 2005).

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

Domestic violence occurs across all spectrums of socio-economics, ethnicity, and age. We must address the issue of teens being victims of violence if we are going to break the cycle.  February has been designate as Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, bringing much needed attention and resources to the issue of dating violence.

Statistics show:

• Approximately one in three adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner—a figure that far exceeds victimization rates for other types of violence affecting youth.1

• One in five tweens—age 11 to 14—say their friends are victims of dating violence and nearly half who are in relationships know friends who are verbally abused. Two in five of the youngest tweens, ages 11 and 12, report that their friends are victims of verbal abuse in relationships.1

• Teen victims of physical dating violence are more likely than their non-abused peers to smoke, use drugs, engage in unhealthy diet behaviors (taking diet pills or laxatives, and vomiting to lose weight), engage in risky sexual behaviors, and attempt or consider suicide.1

Digital abuse is a growing form of abuse, particularly among teens. Teens have cell phones, are sending text messages, instant messages and blogging. These new technologies bring with them risk of digital abuse, which can include unwanted, repeated calls or text messages; breaking into email or social networking accounts; or being pressured to send private or embarrassing pictures or videos. Though this issue has gone largely undetected by most adults, it is prevalent in teen life.1

One in three teens say they have been text messaged 10, 20 or 30 times an hour by a partner wanting to know where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with. 2 One in four teens in a relationship have been called names, harassed or put down by their partner through cell phones and texting. More than half of teen girls (51 percent) say pressure from a guy is a reason girls send sexy messages or images, and 18 percent of teen boys say pressure from a girl is a reason.3

Our children are our greatest asset and we must protect them. We, as parents, must stay aware of the dangers and address the issues head on with our children. Talk to your children about dating violence and what they or their friends are experiencing. Educate yourself to the dangers and the new ways that abuse is happening. There are many resources available for teens that have experienced dating violence and educational materials for parents and teens to learn more about this very important issue.

Resources:
http://www.endabuse.org/
http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/

1From the Family Violence Prevention fund website (http://www.endabuse.org/)
2 Technology and Teen Dating Abuse Survey, 2007 (conducted by Liz Claiborne and Teen Research Unlimited
3Sex and Tech Survey, National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 2008

Katie Piper's Story

I found myself once again watching 20/20 on a Friday evening, this time without my daughter. The story was too graphic and painful for her, so she chose to sit this one out.

The story was of Katie Piper, a young woman in her 20s living in London. She was a model and a budding TV presenter. She was enjoying her life, her job, and the successes she was having. She met a young man, Danny, and they began dating. It was then her world fell apart.

In retrospect she saw the red flags were there immediately. He was possessive, jealous, controlling, easily angered, and wanted to move very quickly in the relationship. One evening he took her to a hotel room and brutally raped and abused her for over eight hours. She was only able to leave after she convinced him that they could still be a couple. She was so frightened by what had happened she didn’t leave her “flat” for two days and didn’t talk to anyone.

Danny bombarded her with emails and phone calls. She finally agreed to leave the flat to go to an internet café to get an email he had sent her. What she didn’t know at the time was that Danny was on the phone with Stefan Sylvestre, giving him a description of Katie. Stefan met Katie on the street and threw a cup of sulfuric acid in her face.

Katie survived the attack, which happened March 31, 2008. She has endured countless surgeries and pain so severe that at one point she begged her mother to kill her. She endured the trial of Danny and was grateful when he was given two life prison sentences; one for arranging the attack, the other for the rape.

She had peace of mind for now that he couldn’t hurt her again, as he will serve at least 16 years. Her sentence, however, is for life. She will never be “over” the attack. She will always have scars and physical injuries that will need treatment. The fear doesn’t ever really go away.

Katie was so courageous in telling her story. Her story is horrific and the damage done to this young woman was beyond imagination. But she did survive! As did her will and her determination. She has made amazing progress in her physical recovery as well as her emotional recovery. She is an amazing young woman who has been through more than anyone should ever have to endure.

I am thankful for her telling her story, as hard as it was to watch and comprehend. She is a survivor and an inspiration for all who have been victimized by someone who was supposed to care about them. She has given me continued hope and strengthened my determination to continue the quest of ending the violence.

To read the story or watch the video:
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/KatiePiper/katie-piper-shares-hopes-resolutions-2010/story?id=9511551

Red Flags of Abuse

Most relationships do not start out abusive but there can be signs or what we call “red flags”. Sometimes the red flags are immediately obvious and other times it may take a while to see them.

Red flags can include a partner who:

• Insists on moving too quickly into a relationship.

• Does not honor your boundaries.

• Is excessively jealous or possessive.

• Criticizes your appearance or makes frequent put-downs.

• Does not take responsibility for their behavior and blames others for their failures or difficulties.

• Has a history of battering in other relationships.

• Blames the entire failure of an earlier relationship on their partner.

• Has a very stereotypical view of sex roles.

• Insists that you stop participating in leisure interests or spending time with your family or friends.

• Tells you how you "should feel" or tries to talk you out of your feelings.

• Seems that they may be "too good to be true".

• Makes frequent and harsh derogatory remarks about others.

• Is very impulsive and shows signs of raging out of control.

As we work with victims to create safety plans, we have to find out what tactics have been used against them and what threats exist so we can make a safety plan tailored to their situation. This helps start the healing process.

Remember, Hope House’s 24 hour hotline is 816-461-HOPE (4673). We are always available if you feel you are in an abusive relationship and you need someone to talk to or are in need of safe shelter.

Stalking Awareness Month

January 2010 marks the 7th annual National Stalking Awareness Month.

This month offers the opportunity to highlight the services that are available and to draw awareness to the issue and the impact it has on our society.

Stalking is a crime of great magnitude. More that 3 million people older than 18 are stalked annually in the United States. It is a criminal offense under the laws of all 50 states, the District of Columbia, the U.S. Territories and the federal government.

1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetimes, and the majority of victims are stalked by someone they know.

What is Stalking?

Stalking is defined by Missouri law as purposely, repeatedly and intentionally harassing or following someone. How does this translate to behaviors? Victims are followed in their daily activities - to work, to the grocery store, to their friend’s house. They receive repeated phone calls and hang ups - some threatening, others where nothing is said. They can receive calls at work disrupting their work day and threatening their jobs.

Victims can also be confronted with their car tires being slashed, windows and doors broken in their cars and homes. What may not seem so threatening - but to a stalking victim it can be terrifying - is to have flowers or gifts delivered to their work or their home.

With the advancement of technology we are seeing stalking taking on different forms - GPS devices attached to cars, computer technology allowing the stalker to see activity and emails, tracking information from cell phones. Every aspect of life is invaded and threatened.

The Effects of Stalking

Being a victim of stalking is extremely frightening. Victims can experience, anxiety, insomnia, social dysfunction, lost work hours and productivity, and severe depression at a much higher rate than the general population. Stalking victims are forced to take drastic measures to protect themselves, such as relocating, changing their phone numbers, changing their identities, changing jobs and obtaining protection orders.

76% of women who were murdered by their intimate partner had been previously stalked by their killer, and more than half of these victims reported the stalking to the police before being murdered. 81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner.

Help is Available

If you are a victim of stalking or you know someone who is, there are resources available. Hope House has a 24 hour crisis hotline 816-461- HOPE (4673). Another resource is the Stalking Resource Center at www.ncvc.org that has a wealth of information for victims and those who want to get involved to help. Awareness is the first step in our efforts to stop this horrible crime.


Source: 1The Stalking Resource Center. (June 2009) Stalking Fact Sheet 2Tjaden, P., & Thoennes, N. (1998). Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women survey. National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Research in Brief. Washington, DC: U.S. Department

Building Hope Capital Campaign

We are so excited about the progress of our capital campaign, Building Hope, a $5,000,000 campaign for our Independence campus.

This campus consists of eight acres of beautiful property that was gifted to us in 1993 from the Community of Christ Church. When we received the property it had two existing buildings which we renovated to create the Court and Legal Services Building and the Therapy Building. We then built two new buildings, the Shelter and the Early Childhood Center.

Key Elements of Building Hope

The Building Hope Capital Campaign consists of these key elements:

1) Renovations to the four existing buildings.
 2) An addition to the Shelter for increased storage of food and clothing.

3) A new 10,000 square foot Therapy Building.

4) Creation of a Community Partnership Building by renovating the current Therapy Building.

• This will give us space to accommodate all of the wonderful community volunteers who are willing to offer services to our clients, but due to lack of space, have not been able to provide those services on-site. 
• The Community Partnership Building will have a Medical Room equipped with an exam table and a dental chair, a salon with a hair dressing station, a room for massage therapy, and a room for computer work. There will also be space for other professionals wanting to offer their services to our clients.

Challenge Grants

We are so fortunate to have two challenge grants for this campaign. The J.E. & L.E. Mabee Foundation from Tulsa, Oklahoma issued a $525,000 challenge to us in January 2009 to raise $4,197,979 by January 14, 2010. The Kresge Foundation from Troy, Michigan issued a $600,000 challenge to us in December 2009 to complete the $5,000,000 fundraising campaign.

These challenge grants are designed to help organizations successfully complete their capital campaigns by assisting in securing further contributions. The money is received from the foundations once the challenge is successfully completed.

January 14th is next week and we are so excited to have reached our goal for the Mabee challenge and have $435,000 to go to complete the Kresge Challenge and the entire campaign.

Tax Credits Available

If you are interested in helping us with the Building Hope campaign, please let me know by emailing me at blog@hopehouse.net or calling 816-257-9331. We have Missouri tax credits available, which is a great way to stretch your gift and enjoy a tax benefit as well.

I look forward to keeping you up to date on all of the progress we make on completing the campaign and for progress updates once construction has started.