Guardian Program

Today’s guest blogger is Kelli Stallman, Coordinator for the Guardian Program.
 

Hope House’s Guardian Program provides supervised visitation or exchange for non-custodial parents and their children. Our client families are mainly ordered into supervised visits by Adult Abuse Courts, Family Court, or Children’s Division.

These families have issues that range from domestic violence, child abuse, substance abuse, mental health issues, or a parent never having been in a child’s life.

 

Because of the many problems that are faced by these families, the Program is arranged so that custodial and non-custodial parents park in different parking lots, and arrive at different times to avoid any chance meetings.

We have therapists supervise the visits between the non-custodial parent and the child. An off-duty police officer is on site at all times. The families receive an hour of visitation a week free of charge, and can schedule additional time for a fee.

 

As the Coordinator for the Guardian Program, I have the pleasure of working directly with the survivors of domestic violence, as well as their children who have witnessed the violence between parents.

 

Often times, the children have themselves been victims of some type of abuse. The Guardian Program staff also work directly with the non-custodial parent, which is often the identified abuser. My job is extremely rewarding. I watch the kids grow and change, and see them heal from the abuse they have seen and experienced.

 

When I have a child from the program run up to give me a hug and a huge smile, it hits home why I do the job I do. How often do you get a card from a child you barely know thanking you for what you do, or drawing you a personal Christmas card? I am fortunate to receive several of these every year.

 

Sometimes what is thought of as the hardest job, by nature of its requirements, can be the most rewarding. I look forward to the drawings, the hugs, and the smiles that greet me when the kids come in. That is what I look forward to each day.

The Guardian Program

In domestic violence situations, visitation and exchange of children is a very dangerous time. Knowing that the custodial parent is obligated to honor the court order allowing visitation, the abuser often uses the opportunity to continue to stalk, abuse and to terrorize the victim/custodial parent.

Knowing this, Hope House started the Guardian Program in November of 2002. Our program is designed so that visits and exchanges are safe for everyone. The custodial and the non-custodial parents arrive separately, park in separate parking lots, and leave at different times so that there can be no opportunity for abuse or stalking to occur.

The program consists of a Program Coordinator, therapists, and an off-duty police officer who is there to ensure everyone’s safety.

The program has three components:

1) The exchange of children when there is no court order for supervised visits. This most often occurs Wednesday evenings, and/or Friday evenings for weekend visits with the kids returning on Sunday. In exchanges the children are taken from the custodial parent to the non-custodial parent by the staff person; the parents never interact.

2) When the court has ordered the visits to be supervised, the program is able to offer two levels of supervised visits.

     a. The first is less intensive and can be offered in a group setting with other families.

     b. In more severe situations, a judge may order that the non-custodial parent can’t be around any other children. In those situations, the visit would be limited to just the one family.

The Guardian Program has offered safety, support and hope to hundreds of children as they visit with their non-custodial parent. It gives them the opportunity to begin the healing process, and if they desire, to rebuild a relationship with the offending parent; the choice is theirs.

Teen Dating Violence

Our guest blogger this week is one of Hope House's Children's Therapist, Thada Pulliam, MA, LPC, NBCC

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Over the past several years in working at Hope House, I have had the opportunity to make presentations in local high schools on the topic of Teen Dating Violence. During these presentations, teens would often ask questions. Those questions offer some clues as to the on-going issue of teen dating violence, presenting a sad picture of teens today and their understanding of a healthy partner relationship. The following are a few questions they typically ask and my reply.

Q. He only hit me once and promised to never do it again. Can I believe him?
A. Chances are that he will hurt again. If a person used a physical means to release anger onto a person, that is probably a behavior used before and has become a habit.

Q. My boyfriend is under a lot of stress. Is this why he hits me?
A. Stress is not the cause of abuse. It is an excuse, as are other reasons abusers give for their own actions. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and can never blame their actions on someone else.

Q. My boyfriend puts me down a lot, but he never hits me.
A. The teasing and negative remarks can be just as damaging as the physical assaults. He is still controlling through words or looks. If you are feeling embarrassed, hurt, humiliated, or inadequate due to his remarks, this is abuse.

Sometimes a teen (or a concerned parent) will seek a one-on-one session with me to discuss their situation. Melinda* was 17 and was dating Zac*, who was 20. Zac had bruised Melinda’s arms but she related the incident as if it were an accident and said that Zac did not mean to hurt her, but he had become angry with her. Melinda accepted full responsibility for her bruises as if she had inflicted them upon herself.

In subsequent sessions Melinda was able to identify several incidents which would suggest Zac had characteristics of an abusive personality, including controlling all their decisions, expecting sex whenever he wanted it, and refusing to let her spend time with her family or friends. Melinda minimized his behavior by saying that he loved her and that he was frequently in a foul mood due to his family issues.

When Melinda became pregnant, Zac was angry and blamed her. This interaction helped Melinda understand that her love for him was not mutual and that he was not good for her long-term. With the positive support of her parents, Melinda began to see the good in herself and came to believe that she deserved someone better.

If your teen is finding themselves in a similar situation, there are many resources available.

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474
Hope House Hotline: 816-461-HOPE (4673)
Hope House Website: www.hopehouse.net
Teen websites: www.loveisrespect.org and www.loveisnotabuse.com

Talking to Your Teen

With February being Teen Dating Violence Awareness month, I thought it appropriate to discuss the issue of teen dating violence more in depth. In my opinion, it is never too early to talk about relationships and appropriate behaviors in relationships with our children. So, how can adults address these issues with the teens in their lives?

TEENS TURN TO THEIR FRIENDS FOR ADVICE

How can we talk to our teens about dating violence? First we must acknowledge that teens are not going to just come to the adults in their lives to talk.

• One study reported that when female high school students were asked whom they would talk to if someone they date is attempting to control them, insults them, or physically harms them, 86% percent said they would confide in a friend, while only 7% said they would talk to police.1

• 83% of 10th graders surveyed at the 4th Annual Teen Dating Abuse Summit reported that they would sooner turn to a friend for help with dating abuse than to a teacher, counselor, parent or other caring adult.2

• Only 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about the abuse.3

ADULTS NEED TO LEAD THE WAY

This says to me that as adults, we need to be prepared to lead the way into these conversations—be prepared to not have all the answers, but be ready to find them if needed. Start the process by gathering information about dating violence. Be aware of the red flags and the signs to look for that indicate your teen could be in trouble. Know the resources available—the teen dating violence hotline number, the Hope House hotline number, and websites specifically geared toward teens. Then start the conversations.

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR TEEN

Ask your teen about their friends and what type of experiences they have had. Some examples of questions you can ask:

• How does your partner talk to you?

• Have they asked you to do anything that made you uncomfortable?

• What are your partner’s expectations in regards to sex?

• Does your partner try to control who you can spend time with when you’re away from them?

As the parent, you’re trying to determine if the relationship is a healthy one or if there are red flags. Even if you know the parents of the partner’s family, don’t assume everything is ok. We still need to ask questions. Depending on the relationship between the adult and the teen, some of these questions will be harder than others, but often the hardest part is starting the conversation.

Hopefully we can open those channels of communication with our teens. By talking to them about their relationships, we are preventing teen violence before it happens.

RESOURCES

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474
Hope House Hotline: 816-461- HOPE (4673)
Hope House website: http://www.hopehouse.net/
Teen websites: www.loveisrespect.org and www.loveisnotabuse.com

1Tiffany J. Zwicker, Education Policy Brief, “The Imperative of Developing Teen Dating Violence Prevention and Intervention Programs in Secondary Schools.” 12 Southern California Review of Law and Women’s Studies, 131, (2002).
2 The Northern Westchester Shelter, with Pace Women’s Justice Center, (April 2003).
3 Liz Claiborne Inc., Conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, (February 2005).