Is Domestic Violence Ever Justified?

Is there ever a time when domestic violence is justified? If someone was using drugs, is it ok for them to be beaten?  Is it ok because the victim has a “big mouth”? When is someone an “acceptable victim”?

 

I read a headline recently:  ”Michael Wayne Jones Allegedly Beats His Girlfriend with Her Dog”. Apparently, Michael Wayne Jones argued with his girlfriend when she was trying to smoke crack with her daughter.  He punched his hand through the windshield, grabbed her dog, and proceeded to swing the dog and hit her with it as if the dog were a club. His excuse was “She was doing drugs.”

Does that make her deserving of being beaten?  Many of the people who posted comments beneath the article thought so.

I hear these statements a lot:

• “She must have done something to deserve to be beaten.”
• “She must like it if she doesn’t leave.”

I must say I am still affected by these statements even after 20 years. I don’t know of anyone that likes it or asks for it. Yes, some people do drugs. Yes, some people yell and are loud and argue. Yes, some people swear and can be crude, but does that mean they deserve to be beaten? My answer is “No”.  

No one deserves to be beaten.

 

I have this to say to the abusive person:

“If you don’t like your partner’s behavior then you have choices to make.  You can try to work it out peacefully, you can go to counseling, or you can leave. You have choices. Please don’t choose to continue the cycle of violence. Please stop making excuses and blaming the victim.  Stand up and accept responsibility. Stop the violence.” 

 

To Kasandra and All Those Who Have Lost Their Lives

I think by now most people have heard about the tragic events of this past weekend in Kansas City.

Jovan Belcher, a Kansas City Chiefs football player, murdered his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins before he committed suicide in front of his coach and the General Manager of the Chiefs.

The couple has a 3-month old daughter, Zoey, who is now alone, to be raised without either of her parents.

I have been asked what my response is to this tragedy.  My response is the same that it is every time a woman loses her life due to domestic violence: it is horrific; it is a tragedy; it is senseless and needs to stop.

The difference between Kasandra and the other 13 victims who have lost their lives this year in Kansas City is that her boyfriend was a Kansas City Chiefs player. 

The other victims this year have not gotten the attention of the media as Kasandra has, and that is also tragic.  The very concerned reporters I spoke to acknowledged that there has not been enough attention paid to domestic violence homicides. They were shocked at the statistics, not realizing how prevalent DV homicides really are in our society.

I hope that something positive can come from this senseless tragedy. I hope that people will have a better understanding of the severity of domestic violence; understand that it is happening everywhere and every day.

DV is a crime that must be stopped. We all need to make an effort to end this hideous cycle. Domestic violence advocates have more work to do in educating our community about the problem, what resources are available, and what can be done.

We all need to work together to ensure the safety of our neighbors, our friends, and our family members.

I have a commitment to those who have died, those who survived the attacks on them, and to their surviving children:

“I will work to ensure that your death and your attack were not in vain. I will continue to honor you and your sacrifice by working to ensure that others don’t go through what you went through; that other children will not be left orphaned due to domestic violence.

“That is the least I can do for you. You gave your life. I will use mine to continue the fight in your honor and hope that others know what a sacrifice you made. That is a very small thing that I can do for you. I am so sad that you are not here, but I will continue to fight for you and for your children, and all of those who are touched by domestic violence.“

I have been doing this work for over 20 years and I have never found it as difficult as I do today. It is with a heavy and very sad heart that I take on this day and the challenges it presents. I pray that I do this work with integrity, with commitment, and with those who lost the battle foremost in my mind at all times.

Bingo with the Mavericks

We are hosting our 3^rd annual Bingo with the Mavericks event on Wednesday, 12-12-12. What a fun night that will be!

This event is very family-oriented, and kid-friendly. The Missouri Mavericks hockey players call the Bingo, sell extra game cards and good luck charms, and mingle with the crowd. It’s fun for all and supports our critical life-saving services at the same time.

We are so grateful to the Mavericks for choosing Hope House as one of their charity partners again this year. We have had the opportunity to attend the Mavericks games and sell Chuck a Pucks, plus set up a booth to distribute our information to the fans.

Awareness is so critical in the fight against domestic violence and these opportunities to reach thousands of people with our services are so helpful.

Festivities start at 6PM at the Hilton Garden Inn in Independence (map it). You can purchase tickets online for $15 for adults, $10 for children under the age of 12. Ticket includes one reusable Bingo card and additional ones can be purchased from the Maverick players for $5.

Sponsorship opportunities start at $250 and are still available.  You can call Libby at 816-257-9334 for more information.

We look forward to seeing you there!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Photo by Jenny Steffens @
http://jennysteffens.blogspot.com/

I can't believe that it's already the middle of November and Thanksgiving is here. It's the time of year when we stop to give thanks for all of our many blessings.

At Hope House, we are thankful every day and feel extremely blessed. We are a part of this wonderful community; a caring community that reaches out to us and helps us in so many ways. 

People are amazing in how they give back. The care and concern they have for their neighbors and fellow human beings is heart-warming.

We thank you for thinking of us throughout the year. We couldn't do the work we do without you. We are grateful to everyone who has touched our lives and continues to support us as we work to break the cycle of domestic violence.

We wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I Love My Job

I love my job. I get to experience something new every day and have the opportunity to enjoy the smiles and the joys of accomplishments and achievements. Those times just make me smile.

The other day I was in our parking lot going to my car to go to a meeting. I was running late and was preoccupied. But I stopped in my tracks and smiled when I saw this young boy bound out of a cab that was returning him from his day at school.


His younger sister was waiting for him. She squealed with delight when she saw him, started jumping up and down and said, “I am so glad to see you! How was your day?!”

His mother was standing there as well, and met him with a big hug and a smile. They were so excited to see each other, that they didn’t notice me there. That was a good thing, since I got teary-eyed and emotional.

I am so happy that we are able to provide a safe place for families to be where they can focus on healing and enjoying the simple pleasures in life. Young ones can go about the business of learning; coming home from school is a time to celebrate. Families are able to focus on rebuilding their lives and moving on from the trauma they have experienced.

We would not be able to provide the opportunity for this growth to take place without the support of our community. Thank you to each of you who have helped us grow and thrive. To all of you who provide your time, your talents, and your resources, we are grateful.

The result of your contributions is evident everyday in the lives of the people we work with.

Lethality Assessment Program

I have written about our Lethality Assessment Program in partnership with area law enforcement agencies in the past. This tool allows police officers to discuss with a victim the risk of being killed if they stay in the relationship. 

The tool is a series of questions the officers asks the victim. Based on the victim’s responses, the officer can determine the chances of the victim dying at their abuser’s hand. It has allowed officers the opportunity to engage in conversation around victim safety in a way that is meaningful, with facts from research to assist in the conversation. 

It has also opened the door for Hope House staff to have conversations with very high-risk victims that we were not able to reach in the past. It has been remarkable and exciting to be a part of this program.

We have been thrilled with our continuing work with Raytown, Lee’s Summit, Grandview and Blue Springs Police Departments. The tool has proven to be very useful for both Hope House staff and police officers. 

I am very excited that the Independence Police Department recently joined the program. We are grateful they are committed to addressing the issue of domestic violence.

Together, we do make a difference in the lives of those victimized by domestic violence.  To break the cycle of DV, it takes the hard work of everyone in our community. This program is doing that, one person at a time. 

Emotional Freedom Technique

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

Today’s guest blogger is Rita Witt, Vice President of Clinical Services for Hope House.

Hope House has long been aware that domestic violence victims are at high risk for post-traumatic stress. Our therapy department has consistently pursued treatment approaches and training to best prepare the therapists to assist our clients in addressing the effects of trauma in their lives. 

Therapeutic approaches have always included simple, empowering techniques and information that clients could continue to use on their own after they left Hope House. Among those approaches are some in the field of energy psychology.

Energy psychology is based on the principle that the body, like everything in the universe, is composed of energy which flows through the body by means of a meridian system. While this is a relatively new idea is the Western world, the healing concepts that it's based upon have been in practice in Eastern medicine for over 5,000 years.

Like acupuncture and acupressure, this approach consists of techniques that utilize the body's energy meridian points.  Energy psychology treatments have both a psychological component and a mechanical/energetic component.

One such energy-based approach used at Hope House is the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). A fundamental principle of EFT is that all negative emotions are a disruption of the body's energy.

By tapping, or stimulating certain meridian points with the fingertips, literally tapping into the body's own energy and healing power, one can restore balance to the body's energy, and mend the negative emotions and physical symptoms that stem from the energy disruption. 

Because of this simple and empowering effect, Janet Howard, Hope House Substance Abuse counselor, reports her clients have been especially successful in using it to address addiction.

Using this simple method, the client can take her physical and emotional well-being into her own hands. It's simple for anyone to master; it is non-invasive, highly specific, has no side effects, and best of all, it's free.

If you’re interested in learning more about EFT, please visit http://www.garythink.com/eft/.